I seem to find it hard to keep this blog on a regular basis but I hope you find the posts, when they come, are worth a quick run through at least. One of the reasons I don’t post very much is because I sometimes find it difficult to focus on Parkinson’s as a subject. It’s so all encompassing and dominant in my life while, at the same time, being pushed firmly into the background by a very stubborn and determined me, No wonder I get a bit snarled up sometimes.
I’m feeling that way at the moment. I’m back from a relaxing (well, as relaxing as a beach holiday with 2 small wayward boys can be) holiday by the sea and am on the treadmill again. Except I also have a cold and a grumbling tooth/jaw ache caused by some root canal work I’m having done. Little One woke up at 5am this morning and I consequently do not feel full of the joys of any season, let alone Spring. And yes, this translates into a little bit of ‘poor me’ syndrome. I told you, Pollyanna I’m not. I will never be like Cousin Helen in What Katy Did, smoothing her furrowed brow so as to avoid illness induced wrinkles. Let the wrinkles come, they are a record of the stresses and worry that PD (and parenthood, let’s be honest here) bring.
Young Onset PD brings its own, ahem, challenges. A litany of Big Questions that fly around my head at 3am most nights. Will I work to 60? Doubtful. What do I do about the mortgage then? Will my children remember me as I am now or will I become shuffling mummy forever in their memories? Does that really matter? Who will look after me when I get really bad? Other Half will be working to support us and I don’t want him to give up his life to become a carer, controversial I know but realistic. How long will I cope at the demanding and tiring job I have now? My employers are very good but let’s face it, we live in a capitalist society and they’re not a charity. When do I take my leave? See mortgage question above. Answers on a postcard please. Please.
So yes, today finds me really quite grumpy and fed up. But I’m human and I’m allowed a down day. I have plans to make and things to do to help me answer my Big Questions (have a look on my other blog for a more cheery perspective) but wouldn’t it be nice to not have to ask them of oneself? I’ll get there, I have to trust in that, but sometimes it would be nice to not have to. And that, is the truth, the plain old, sugar free truth of the matter. Which reminds me, I need to go on a diet too. Grrrrrrr.