Well life bowled me a googlie recently which has changed a few things around. I had to have a biopsy of my womb in mid-September due to the long term unopposed oestrogen I have been on and unfortunately I got the results back 7 weeks later and they weren’t good. It turns out that the fear of hyperplasia (the over growth of womb lining cells) had turned into a reality, but not only that, there was a chance that they were now cancerous as well. My consultant (who has been looking after me now for many years and knows myself and my partner well) I swear had tears in his eyes as he told me that the only way forward now was to stop my current treatment and go in for a total hysterectomy-uterus, ovaries, tubes and cervix, all of it had to go. What a shock!
The reason I think it hit me (and everyone around me) quite so badly is that my partner and I haven’t had children. I have always dreamed of being a mother and to have this taken away from me in this way was devastating. However, a few years ago, I came off treatment to try and conceive and all my PMDD symptoms rushed back and caused utter chaos again in my life. We agreed that I could only live if I was on treatment so accepted, at that time, that having children naturally wasn’t going to be an option. This made the decision to actually go ahead with the surgery a bit easier for me I have to say. Add to the fact that they are querying cancer and it was a no-brainer really. So I told the consultant that I was ready for surgery the day after the appointment and he emailed me that evening telling me he had provisionally booked me in for the 15th November, 2 weeks away! 2 weeks to accept what was happening, get organised and do it. Okay, let’s do it I thought.
Firstly though I had a weekend away with the girls. No ordinary weekend I may add. These girls are friends who I have made over the years via NAPS (www.pms.org.uk) and various Facebook groups and they all have either had the surgery for PMDD or are awaiting the surgery for premature menopause. There were no better people to go away with after hearing this news. They were fantastic-letting me talk, cry, ask questions and more. It was a fantastic way to spend a weekend.
Coming home, I came down to earth with a bump. I had two choices, 1. Curl up in a ball and ignore it all and hope it wasn’t happening or 2. Turn it into the most positive thing I had ever done. I chose 2. The womb of doom was out of here! That’s what I renamed my uterus, and the hingers on (the ovaries) had to go too. They had caused me nothing but grief since I was nine years old and it was time to say goodbye. I spent the next 10 days cooking (to fill the freezer), tidying and cleaning and generally getting organised for when I came out of hospital. It felt good, it felt powerful, it felt like I was back in control. I printed off positive sayings and stuck them to the chest of drawers next to the bed so that I woke up feeling good. I went to the cinema and ate out with my partner and had fun whilst waiting to go into hospital. I ordered things online to make life easier while I was recovering. I went ten-pin bowling with friends and generally lived like I always did, with a smile on my face.
And I think it paid off. The operation went smoothly and I was home after 3 days and am now 8 days post op and I feel good. Very tired but good. Positive and hopeful and looking forward to the future. Who knows what it holds? I get my results in a few weeks. Whatever they bring, I know I can deal with it. My partner has been amazing, taking time off work to look after me and help me do all that I am unable to do temporarily. He won’t let me worry. One of my favourite sayings whilst preparing for the op was “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere”, so true, so now I don’t worry.
The other saying from Kiran Shaikh is “Never let go of Hope. One day you will see that it has all finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. Maybe not the way you had wanted. But even better than you could have imagined”. This makes me smile every day. Life is good. So go on life, bowl me another googlie if you want. I am strong and will overcome it as well.