My other half and I were chatting about my blog last night, and he said something along the lines of, “You need to write a post about how much you struggle – something for a bit of sympathy – as you’re too positive.”. His idea was instantly dismissed after I had explained to him that the reason for me writing my daily posts is to give an accurate reflection of how I am feeling – and I am feeling positive. But…
…I then started thinking about whether or not my blog posts were deceiving and misleading. Not in the sense that I purposefully write things to deceive you all, but in the sense that maybe I don’t give enough attention to the struggles. So I have decided to talk about a few of them…but please, I want NO sympathy at all!
Here we go then…
There are the general struggles that I face – stuff like putting socks on and tying up shoelaces, which I do very quickly…so I like to think that my weight has helped me become efficient! Then there are those times that I need to head upstairs, and I stand there looking up at the stairs and wondering if it can wait until later as the stairs seem like a climb up Ben Nevis (they used to feel like Everest!). Manoeuvring around a room can be tough at times too; I am wary about knocking stuff off tables with my bum or tum! Even getting in the car can be a struggle too – I kind of get as much of my bum on the seat as I can, and then shuffle and lift bits once I am in. And as I am writing this, my right knee is really painful…life goes on though!
But that stuff is normal for someone of my size. The daily struggles of being overweight – or morbidly obese – are just something that you become accustomed to. That is why the non-scale victories sometimes sneak up on me…I am so used to behaving and moving my body in a certain way that it shocks me when it gets easier!
I don’t want to harp on about this sort of stuff though. It is what it is and only losing weight and getting fitter and healthier will help me to make a difference. And this is where the ‘proper’ struggle begins – the daily battle with my mind and willpower!
Everyday there are temptations. Here is the current one…
…41 syns worth of chocolate buttons which are currently perched on the sofa next to me, waiting for my other half to eat them. This is of course after he ate his two packet sandwiches for lunch! My other half is wonderful – he really is – but boy can he put the junk away. This just makes life that little bit harder for me. Some days I am fine, other days I feel like ramming the chocolate down his throat. In fact, I will often tell him to either eat them or put them out of my sight.
How can I expect him to change his eating habits though? He is over 6ft tall and weighs a steady 13st…and regardless of what he eats, he never fluctuates! We haven’t had a takeaway in such a long time – I think the last one was back in February maybe? Yet he does sneak the odd Dominoes pizza order past me! My eating issues are mine and mine alone. I am not at the mercy of his eating! He can eat what he wants to eat, and I can eat what I want – need, should – eat. Just because he is pigging out does not mean that I have to do the same. I rarely gave in to peer pressure at school – I ignored drugs and ignored alcohol and I can now ignore junk food if I chose to. It comes down to what I want more – junk food, or more junk on my trunk!
Financial struggles are an issue. My house needing a new boiler and new electrics, my horses needing the dentist and field rent and rugs etc, my car needing a new set of tyres all round at £250 each, my other half not getting paid on time and the bank charges that come with it…all of these are struggles! And these sorts of things would have been dealt with before, but the worry would have been taken away by me burying myself in a huge binge – ice cream, sausage rolls, crisps, scotch eggs, chocolate, takeaway…stupid really as it was no good for my health or my bank balance. Now, I just deal with these issues and know that eating will not solve them…they will still be there long after the empty packets have been put in the bin and the extra lbs have settled on my hips.
Career struggles are an issue. I have obviously taken a break from a decent career and wonder how this will affect me. Will I be able to get back into that world again? Do I want to? What should I do with my life? And what happens if something happens to my other half’s job? All of these things run through my mind on a daily basis. I worry about what to do with my life. I feel as if I have wasted so much of it, and want to life the rest of it to it’s fullest…but how?! My confidence was knocked by a few people – despite many being in my corner – and so I wonder what direction I should take. I am considering a Masters degree in coaching as I would eventually like to support and help people who have been in my situation…but would this be a good idea?
Currently I am dealing with a tribunal claim on behalf of my sister. She is being politely warned by this company that if they successfully defend the claim, then they are going to pursue her for costs. So I am struggling with how to progress with this. We want to nail the buggers, and would go for it if we had a supply of money to pay these costs…but we don’t! And this is how many companies deal with people at tribunal. They push the process along and play ball, and just before the hearing they start to make subtle veiled threats – considering the tribunal is focused upon bullying, it is slightly ironic. I worry about this, and would have turned to food in the past to deal with these emotions and this worry.
My partner is also concerned about our future. We want to become foster carers, yet he has had issues with anxiety and depression and worries that this will scupper our chances. This worry creates an environment that is not conducive to keeping this anxiety and depression at bay. So whilst he is worrying about that, I am worrying about him…and yep, you guessed it, I dealt with these situations with food historically. He has made so much progress, yet I was once called by him when he was standing on the wrong side of a railway bridge…so yes, I continue to worry about this too.
Health struggles are a concern too. Managing my diabetes and dealing with my endometrial hyperplasia adds to the stresses. As does the general health issues faced at this size – aches and pains, and as my body is shrinking I am finding lumps and bumps all over the place that are probably harmless, but cause a bit of stress nonetheless!
Then of course there are mental battles surrounding exercise. At this weight it can be difficult to get going! Even getting onto the treadmill involves hauling myself up onto it. Of course I know that exercise is beneficial and I feel so good after doing it…but that initial conversation I have in my head, which goes something along the lines of, “Surely a day off won’t hurt?” “Of course it will you plonker – get your ass on the treadmill!” makes it harder to get going. I know that I have to do it and that I need to do it, but the desire to do it can be harder to find at times when the day is busy and I have woken up tired.
The same conversations I have in my head about exercise, I have about food. “Surely one day off won’t hurt” “Of course it will…it will set off a chain reaction of guilt, eat, more guilt, more eat – so just eat healthily!”. It is hard. Of course I want to give in at times. The desire for that food never really leaves you. You just have to work on making your desire for a better, healthier existence stronger.
So there we go then. I will stop talking about struggles now as the benefits far outweigh the effort that is needed; the effort is huge and the benefits are enormous! Having just counted the ‘struggles’ in this blog post, there are far too many…but then that is my life…far too much of the bad stuff at times!
I often get asked for advice surrounding motivation and how I stay focused. I never know how to reply really as I just do it. There are so many distractions and worries to knock us off track, but if you really want it badly enough you will find a way to do it. No matter what other people say or do, it has to be you that gets you there, and regardless of what other people say or do, you are responsible for you and your actions.
Right then, the usuals are…
I woke up early to hear the dog mooching around! She eventually settled and so did I, only to have strange dreams until the alarm clock went off. I then hit the treadmill for my first session before starting work for the morning. After that, my exercise was finished, I headed off to the horses and to the shops and then came home to look at my nutrition course – I really need to finish my coursework for this diploma! I spent some time working out a way of saying, ‘thanks but no thanks’ to the man with the grazing…we would need to invest in over £750 worth of fencing equipment to move there for five months…not much point really. If my horses had been miserable with the routine this winter, then I would do what I needed to in order to make them happy. But they were fine, they looked great coming out of the winter season and are looking fabulous now. So it looks like we will be up early for morning mucking out duties this winter…good exercise for me though! I have been watching some TED talks recently and have replaced my TV viewing with them…educational and mind-stretching, so it’s all good…although I do believe that I missed ‘Luther’ which I am gutted about, so I will be looking for it on catch-up TV soon.
Breakfast: Banana and two Alpen light bars (6 syns).
Wowzers…this Slimming World malarkey is not a ‘diet’ at all – my food today has been immense! Breakfast was the usual uninspired combination, but it kickstarts my day well enough for me. Lunch was lovely – I used some Hellmann’s lighter than light mayo, half a tsp of curry powder, some chopped spring onion, apple and mango, and mixed in my Quorn deli chicken…it was gorgeous and the perfect partner for my salad and jacket potato. Dinner was a can of mixed beans, a can of Asda ratatouille – all superfree foods apart from the tiny bit of oil they use in it (1.5 syns per can) – with some chopped onion, pepper, grated carrot, radish, tomatoes and spinach, a bit of smoked paprika and garlic, all cooked up and then the meatballs we cooked in the oven and added later. Unfortunately, they were out of Quorn meatballs so we had to use the Asda ones at 3 syns a bag – they are really tasty…I just prefer not to have to syn food if I can help it! Saying that though, I am always lazy and use the microwave rice, which is synned – 2.5 for the golden veggie one that we mixed in with the chilli – so 7 syns in total for dinner, 3.5 per serving!
Exercise: 4 x 15 minute treadmill sessions and 1 x 15 minute BodyPump session.
The first treadmill session was a toughie – I felt like I had been on there for an hour, yet when I looked at the timer it had only been just over six minutes! I must remember to charge my iPod and get some kick-ass tunes on it to spur me on! I am also going to increase the weights that I use for my BodyPump sessions too…I have been using the same ones for a good few weeks now and want to keep feeling the burn and getting the benefit.
Thank you for reading – and I hope that I haven’t put you off trying…it can be done, but it does take effort and will power and focus!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx