My other half and I have spent a couple of hours this afternoon discussing the concept of ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ is one of those elusive words for me – on a par with ‘average’…what exactly is normal and what exactly is average? Whilst I understand the dictionary definitions I don’t think that I have ever seen a normal or average anything!
We were referencing food when we discussed normal – no surprise that it was about food I guess?! This was prompted by a comment on last nights blog from a friend, who said that she could now eat off plan occasionally and eat like ‘normal’ people. I began to wonder if I could ever hope to eat like a normal person – considering that I reached over 43st, is it too much to ask to ever be able to eat normally? Will I ever be able to loosen up and let my control slip a little?
My other half was arguing that of course I could. He feels that my guilt over food is pointless, and that if I want a bowl of ice cream after dinner, then I should be able to have this without a concern. However, as I mentioned in last nights blog post, for me this would be the equivalent of offering an alcoholic a drink, or a drug addict a hit. This may sound dramatic, so I tried to explain it to my other half – he has lived with me for over eleven years now and so has seen me at my worst, yet still doesn’t quite grasp the importance of my current food control.
Have any of you ever watched ‘Ghostbusters’? For those that have, you will remember the little box – or trap – that they used to shut the ghosts and ghouls in. It was a box with a top that opened and sucked them in! This box held some pretty powerful beings that were capable of wreaking all sorts of havoc and disruption. My ‘trap’ is the control that I have at the moment. That control takes many forms – attending group, writing my blog, updating my Facebook page, being accountable to a number of people, having the prospect of having to resort to surgery if I fail this time…so many little elements which culminate in me remaining in control.
Think about a time when you have watched a horse race, before the horse is on the home straight. If you watch the jockeys closely, you will see that they are really struggling to keep hold of the reins. The tension in them is visible – you can see the tautness of the rein, the angle of the jockeys arms, the pull of the bit in the horses mouth. When the jockey lets the horse have it’s head – or gives the reins up and allows it to really go…boy does the horse go!
For me, I worry that if I let the reins go or open that trap, the power of this would be like unleashing the ghouls and trying to stop a racehorse at a flat out gallop. I discussed how stupid this was with my other half. I have said before that there is nothing wrong in eating a meal off plan and that the trick is just to put it behind you and move on…one meal out of the twenty one you have in a week is not going to jeopardise your weight loss campaign. However we all know that there is far more to weight loss than just the food!
What really bought home to me the fact that I am not ready to allow myself to eat off plan was the choices I would make. My other half asked me what I would chose if I had tomorrow off plan – and here is that list…
Breakfast: Double sausage egg McMuffin with hash brown and hot chocolate.
Lunch: Breakfast batch – known as a ‘Belly Buster’ – along with a pork and stuffing batch…complete with little pork scratchings.
Dinner: Chinese chicken and beef curry with egg fried rice, crispy squid, mini spring rolls and prawn crackers.
Evening snacks: McCoys multipack, six sausage rolls, family bag of peanut M&Ms.
Now, I don’t know if this was my overly dramatic and shock-tactic response, yet uttering the words freaked me out – the thought of that food freaks me out. Would I really eat it? The fact that my mind took me to those foods though is scary. I am not having massive food cravings really. I don’t miss many of the old foods that I used to eat…I think about them, but I don’t miss them. Perhaps I would have the breakfast and feel so ill that I wouldn’t continue. Perhaps I would eat the lot and be ill for a few days. Perhaps I would eat the lot and get the taste for it again. Who knows? I just can’t take the risk – especially when the estimated calorie count for that lot is over 6000 calories excluding the Chinese meal…this equates to over 300 syns!
If I am being honest, I also uttered the words ‘Hotel Chocolat’ and ‘Bens Cookies’…and it wouldn’t have been just one cookie either! I have no idea how I would really behave if I was given a day of freedom. I have an inkling that I would go wild with my choices – like a kid let loose in a sweet shop – yet make myself sick as a kid would do…and I don’t think that I would get past lunch! My other half dissolved into fits of laughter, and between his gasps for breath I could just make out him asking me where the superfree was in that lot…I do remember a bit of tomato on the Belly Busters that I used to eat…that counts surely?!
Obviously, I still have a long way to go – both mentally and physically. I am proud that I have managed to make the progress that I have to date, but my main focus is being placed upon the head issues as tackling these are absolutely crucial. I have managed to get over the ones that caused me to eat the way I did; I just need to work towards that elusive normal.
So then…the usuals…
I woke up but was in a bit of a funk – I can’t seem to shake myself right again at the moment. My other half allowed me a bit of a longer sleep, and once I was up I did a bit of work on his project before heading off to see the horses. They were in good form and enjoyed the bag of apples we took them! All except my Shetland who remained in the far corner of the field…I think he had found himself a nice patch of grass. It was then the regular trip to Asda – I do wonder if they would raise the alarm if they didn’t see us daily! The afternoon was a bit of a blur. I decided to throw a real tantrum over everything – money, housework, dirty socks…you name it, I shouted about it. This culminated in me throwing the iPad across the room (thank feck I didn’t break it!) and storming out in a strop. As I had nowhere to go really, I parked in the Asda carpark down the road…but got bored and drove home after ten minutes! I am such a dick at times – well, the majority of the time actually! We had a chat, and then my Mum came over and I had a cry – I just feel frustrated with stuff…I will sort myself out soon, I promise. Whilst I feel like this, I am not at all going to think about having a meal off plan – it would be fatal for my fat campaign. Tonight will be another episode of Love/Hate…bring on the Irish – woohoo!
Breakfast: Orange, nectarine, banana and kiwi.
I buggered up today…I had planned an Extra Easy day but then just dished out my cheese and mixed it into lunch as I would on a Green day – twice the amount I should have on EE! So I decided to switch to Green in the end. Lunch was gorgeous – last nights leftovers. Dinner was nice but a bit of a normal meal…nothing special…I think that I need to make up a new concoction soon to mix it up a bit.
Exercise: Nothing…I am hanging my head in shame! My mojo is as buggered as my foot I think – I will try and get my head into gear soon.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx