One of the main worries that I have in going out and about is due to embarrassment. Most of the time, it is not my embarrassment that I am concerned about though really.
I worry that if someone says something it will embarrass the people that I am with, or that people will look at my rather handsome boyfriend and wonder what on earth he is doing with me. If I was on my own, I would bite back and say something…but when I am with other people I don’t want them to feel obliged to get involved. So it is a bit of a mental battle at times – I want to go out, but I don’t want the feelings of worry at what might happen.
But I guess that last bit is the key…what MIGHT happen. More often than not, nothing happens! People are going about their business and have no desire to ruin someone else’s day. Yet there are a few jackasses that feel that it is their business to let me know that I am fat. Really? Am I really?! It is not as if I have to carry this bulk around with me 24/7…struggling to find clothes that fit, struggling to find suitable chairs to sit on, struggling to find an escape route through a busy pub without knocking drinks into people’s laps when my more than ample buttocks bounce off them as I walk past. So ‘thank you’ to all of the dicks out there who have made it their business to warn me of my immense size…I honestly had no idea and owe you a debt of gratitude for opening my eyes to my situation
There is also a little concern that the people I am with might be embarrassed to be seen with me – part of me feels that they should feel lucky to have my company (clearly I am being a little sarcastic here!), yet part of me does worry. I guess if people were embarrassed then they wouldn’t associate with me anyway…and I shouldn’t associate with them either. Hey ho, our minds are strange things though and paranoia gets to the best of us at times.
Putting embarrassment aside, there is also fear! Fear of what I may be asked to do…this morning I woke up to find my niece clutching a leaflet for local attractions…cable cars…fecking cable cars! Luckily, we managed to distract her suitably – I will save that challenge for another weekend – one when I can deal with weight and height issues. In fact, I have set myself a little challenge of going on the cable cars up Aonach Mor when I head to Scotland at the end of next month – watch this space!
Today saw a drive to Bakewell. What a quaint but bloody busy place that was – not an ideal trip on a bank holiday Monday. The only parking space we could find was next to the ‘The Old Original Bakewell Pudding Shop’…such a shame. I managed to resist – I just sat outside licking the windows! It was also a delicatessen and had some amazing looking food in the window…I resisted it all.
We then had a drive through Buxton – very picturesque scenery along the way…and a fish and chip shop that I remember having a steak and kidney pudding at as a kid. Are you noticing a theme? Food, delicious but incredibly energy dense food! And I still love the stuff – I think. I haven’t eaten food like that for a while, so my mind still tells me that I like it…but I bet my body would now have different ideas. I had that ice cream last night, which I hadn’t eaten before posting my blog update last night…it was a bit ‘meh’…the first few spoons were ace, but by the time I was halfway through the pot I wasn’t that impressed – sickly sweet and really rich. Bear in mind that this was a 100ml pot…I used to demolish a 500ml pot in a sitting along with my other junk binge food…so I feel that progress has been made and it certainly didn’t give me a taste for more. Plus, I couldn’t help compare what I could have had for the 14 or so syns that it cost me!
After Bakewell we headed towards Ashbourne and ended up going to Carsington Water, which is a huge reservoir with a path that runs for eight miles…no, I didn’t end up walking that – flipping heck, I would have had to call a park ranger to come and rescue me. You can take your horses and ride around there though, so that’s another plan that I’d one day like to put into action!
We couldn’t park and ended up in an overflow car park in a field at first, so we sat and had our picnic before everyone wanted to head over to the main area – which has a park and shops…and a cheese stall, and a stall with a guy selling expensive-looking wooden things. To say that the place was heaving with people is an understatement. The very fact that we had to park in the overspill car park gave me a little hint! The kids walked over to the reservoir with my other half and brother in law, whilst my sister tried to find us somewhere to park back in the main car park…we managed to find a spot, but after seeing how many people were there, I decided to stay in the car.
Now this genuinely was not a case of me hiding away because I was concerned about my size…this was down to the fact that people piss me off! Not in general, but large crowed parks with people kicking footballs around – which inevitably get booted into my face or the side of my head (this has happened on more than a few occasions!) – or kids with ice creams which they run into you with, or people flying kites that happen to nose-dive onto your head…you get the picture! I am not a fan of busy places…give me a quiet loch-side location, or a woodland trail and I am happy…football stadium levels of people and I am not so happy. I took a couple of pics to show you how crowded it was…and this was nothing compared to reality!
Everywhere you looked there were people. I guess the weather was so lovely, and it was an extra day off…people want to get out and about…but I would have preferred to head back up Snack Pass and find somewhere off the beaten track to enjoy nature…rather than getting shat on by a seagull that has overdosed on ice cream that a kid has dropped – yes, this has also happened to me!
So I stayed in the car, but this wasn’t without drama. I got stuck in the car whilst they were checking out the cheese and chopping block stalls – not stuck due to my size, but due to my stupidity! The back doors are child locked and so I sat quite happily for a while…until a wasp made it’s way into the car. I had to ask a passer-by to help me…I told him that it was a friends car and I was child-locked in, and asked him to open the door for me. He laughed and obliged…but I felt like a right tit when I realised that all I had to do was stick my arm out of the window and use the handle outside which was easily reachable. He probably thought that I needed child-locking in the back…and he’s probably right!
After all of that was over, and we were all safely back in the car, we headed home. Not without a smelly nappy stop though which took us on a merry detour…as did the satnav, that had us driving through some lovely picturesque villages only to take us back to the main road we had been on. I refuse to buy a satnav for that reason, and rely on the good old AA route planner, signs along the way, and a post-it note on my steering wheel with rough directions.
We got home to a rather excited dog – who had been looked after by my Mum – who hasn’t left my side since I got back and is currently sleeping on my feet. Next time, we are booking a dog-friendly place so that she can come with us!
So, this weekend has been great. It was a bit of a challenge at times, but I just held my head up high and got on with it…and it has given me a boost. Especially seeing how excited the kids were to have us both there. I am already planning our next getaway and I have been told by my niece that I have to take her to ‘Adam’s Farm’…the ‘Countryfile’ chap who owns a farm park in the Cotswolds. Apparently this might involve camping…which means sleeping on the floor and then trying to get up off the floor…another challenge all of it’s own!
Breakfast: Fruit and fat free yogurt with poached egg, grilled tomato, grilled bacon and beans.
Yummy food day today…and I have to be honest and say that I went back for extra bacon and tomato and a spoon of beans at breakfast! Lunch was just a quick grab and go affair from Tesco – which I don’t normally shop at due to an aversion to my horrid old boss who works there…but it was the only place we could see. I was pretty full from breakfast so didn’t want a lot for lunch. Dinner was cobbled together with cupboard stuff when we got home…I totally forgot that it was bank holiday and had forgotten to buy something before we went away.
Exercise: Not much today…looking forward to getting back on the treadmill this week…and of course, I have Jessie coming to give me some tips at the weekend!
Thank you so much for reading…I hope that you have had a lovely bank holiday weekend!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx