Okay, so here is my confession after a period of reflection following my time with Jessie Pavelka.
Exercise is shite! Well actually, exercise is bloody fantastic…it is me that is shite at it. I was convinced that I was doing well and have had a bit of a freak out since meeting the man himself.
First off – I am probably being a drama queen! Thinking back to last year, I couldn’t walk more than a few paces without being in immense pain and needing to sit down…yet this morning I got up and pretty much cleaned the house from top to bottom. So I probably need to get a bit of perspective and stop being a plonker.
However, I was ticking along so well and I guess that I might have fooled myself into thinking that my fitness was coming along nicely – after all, I can walk for a whole hour on the treadmill now! The circuits nearly killed me after 10 minutes and my lips turned blue…not a good look!
Then there was the gym. When I stepped foot in the gym it felt great…the atmosphere was fantastic and I felt so comfortable. That was until I saw the full-length mirror! Argh! What did I look like? In my head, I know that I am fat, but I feel good and so I am fairly confident…I have a fat girl swagger…the kind of swagger you get when you don’t own a mirror! Yet looking in that mirror in the gym was a bit depressing. I have said it before – and people told me to stop being silly – but I have bits bigger than the other…a lot bigger. One leg for example is bigger and I am losing weight in weird places – it looks like a lumberjack has hacked away without much finesse! Although I am sure that lumberjacks show a great deal of finesse…or else there wouldn’t be many left if they just chopped away…lots of squashed lumberjacks! I know that gym mirrors are supposedly there so that you can keep an eye on your form…but most of the time they are used for checking out other people and the size of your ass!
I also mentioned the fitness tests – which still haven’t happened. So I want to get these sorted for peace of mind too. Especially as I am planning on joining the gym when I get back from Bonny Scotland…doubly so if I give in to haggis and Scotch pies whilst I am up there.
Over the years I have made many attempts at exercising – and they haven’t always gone according to plan. I wrote a post ages ago about some of these attempts and thought that I would remind myself of my misdemeanours…
Feeling like some sort of version of Lara Croft after completing a gruelling session on the cross trainer and treadmill, I had moved onto the weights section at the local ladies only gym. Having just proven another doubter wrong, “Oh, don’t worry,” she had said to her friend – as she looked me up and down – laughing, “she won’t be on it for long!” Haha, I proved you wrong didn’t I, you Lycra clad muppet…as 45 minutes later I climbed off the cross trainer having made her wait her turn!
The weights section at the gym was always my favourite. The sensation of being able to feel the different muscles in my body being worked really gave me a sense of well-being, and I guess you could say it gave me that ‘buzz’ or natural high that people who love the gym talk about. I used to leave there feeling like I could go back in and do it all over again! Not today however! Today, I walked out with my legs as firmly pressed together as I could, and my paint splattered t-shirt pulled down as far as it would go…why? Well, having happily worked my arms and shoulders on the various machines, along with my abs – yes, I do have them, they are just shy and retiring! – I moved onto the machine to work my inner and outer thigh muscles. These machines just happen to face a set of floor length mirrors and, to my horror, I decided to glance at my crotch region. Not usually a problem, but today I had worn light grey jogging bottoms…and yes, it looked like I had peed my pants! The pleasant feeling of having showed those women that a fat girl could go for longer than 10 minutes on a cross trainer, was replaced by a feeling of “Oh shit, I should’ve worn the black ones!”
Ladies, never ever, ever, wear light grey jogging bottoms if you think you may suffer from ‘workout crotch’. It’s not big, and it’s not clever – wearing light grey, not my crotch! – and it is likely to lead to a case of severe paranoia. Draping my little towel over the general region in a casual way – so the Lycra clad lovelies didn’t notice – I managed to finish my workout and got the bloody hell out of there quickly. There is no shame in a sweaty workout crotch, but there is a little shame in sharing it with your fellow gym goers!
As a clumsy individual I have had many health and fitness related mishaps. During a trip to a local beauty spot to walk the dog and get in a good walking session, I happened to slip down a muddy slope on my arse. And for good measure – and the fact that my other half couldn’t help me up for laughing – I then had to roll over in the mud in order to haul myself up off my hands and knees! It was funny but I looked awful and was soaked right through to my pants. As it was a cold day, and I didn’t want to get my car filthy, I decided to strip off and wriggle into a pair of old joggers that were in the boot of the car. The car park was deserted, or so I thought, until I heard the words “Woah, mum! Look at that lady, her pants are massive!” It was just another one of those moments I had to deal with, so I turned around with my dirty trousers and shouted “Just had an accident” before realising that they might not have been the best words to choose considering that the mud looked like diarrhoea dripping off the bottoms of my trousers! Oh well, you live and learn…or in my case, you do the living without the learning!
Many interesting Body Magic moments occurred whilst I have tried out some of the classes on offer at the gym. The only one I have in fact truly avoided was ‘spinning’…a form of torture delivered by a shouty instructor on bikes that you can hardly peddle! I avoid these classes at my size as my arse seems to share my stomachs hunger and tries to eat the bike…or at least this is what it looks like from both rear and side views as the saddle disappears between my vacuous bum cheeks! So what classes – bearing in mind when I was a gym goer my lowest weight was approximately 26st – have I managed to brave then?
Well, Bollywood Dance was an interesting one! I thought it sounded fun and as I had heard a lot of Bhangra music, and seen some Bollywood films, thought I would give it a go as I loved the beats behind the music. How wrong was I? The class was full of wonderfully beautiful Asian girls – I was the only red-faced rotund girl in there – who absolutely knew how to dance Bollywood style. Staying right at the back, trying to hide, I looked like a Ribena berry on speed, whilst they looked like graceful dancers, fully in tune with the music and the moves! It burned calories and I had fun jigging around, but I was a bit disappointed as it was the first session of a beginners group and I am sure that I was the only beginner. So much so, that the instructor got carried away with the beautiful dancers and went for it, leaving me struggling in their wake! I looked like fecking Vanilla Ice whilst they were all exotic and graceful!
I also tried Dancercise, and was quite good at this – I do have bloody good rhythm – until the instructor pulled ‘the’ move. It was a 360 spin followed by instantly dropping onto your arms and pulling a push up…in one smooth move. My attempt was far from a smooth move! I got the spin okay, but the dropping onto your arms at 26st was a push, so I gave an alternative offering which saw me carefully lower onto one knee, and then sprawl onto the floor, attempt a push up – but really my body from boobs downwards was touching the floor (you try pushing that lot up!) – and then slowly rising back onto one knee and then launching myself into a standing position. By the time I had done one move, they were onto smooth move number three…never mind! It was great fun, although I think the colour of my face after only 10 minutes was of concern to the instructor, as she payed me quite a lot of attention and said “If anyone needs a break, just feel free to grab a drink and step out for a minute” whilst pointedly looking at me! She then, at the end of the class, asked me if I had enjoyed it and was I coming back next week!
I also fell off the cross trainer when I fainted, but this was only because I thought a full on gym session after a day on Slim Fast was a good idea! I had been on it for a few days – yes, looking for a quick fix again! – and was working long hours, with a long commute, followed by personal training and gym sessions…duh! The crazy, grunting, weight-lifting Russian lady came to my rescue; she used to scare me as I could hear her wherever I was in the gym as she grunted whilst lifting free weights with those funny little weight lifters gloves on – bless her! You do get all sorts in gyms and that’s why I like them!
Horse riding saw me suffer from numerous accidents. If you don’t just sit on the horse as a passenger, but really work hard to ‘school’ or train the horse, it can be a very intense workout. It is especially good for working your core and legs! I used to ride an absolutely mental horse who I adored. He just loved to test people and have fun…he would jog sideways down the road and jump out in front of vans and buses, and make a big deal out of a leaf on the road, so you really had to have your wits about you! One day we were giving a lead to a young horse – showing the other horse how to do it – and were galloping around a cross country course, when he decided to go from a gallop to a stop just before a huge jump over a ditch. I sailed over his head, landing underneath the jump, in a ditch full of wet red clay mud. After extracting myself, I looked down to see that my white jodhpurs were plastered in mud and I had no idea how I’d stay in the saddle with such a slippy bum! Full of adrenaline – after realising I was okay and not broken – I sprung up onto the saddle, only to find that I had done so a little bit too vigorously! I sailed right over the other side and ended up in a heap on the floor, laughing my head off, whilst this horse looked at me in disgust, sniffed me and, I swear he did this, shook his head! Once back in the saddle, I ended up getting a lead from the much calmer young horse and tried to keep the crazy old beast I was on in check! Galloping was his favourite pastime and I would oblige whenever the opportunity presented itself…there is nothing more thrilling than galloping along! This brings with it it’s own challenges…flies in your mouth, branches hitting you in the face, and random dogs straying into your path which leads to the horse quickly changing direction whilst you fly off in the opposite one! Needless to say, there are also comments from passers by “look at the size of that arse…not the horses love, yours!” Charming!
Skiing was another enlightening experience. I got my first opportunity to ski when a trip to Canada was announced at school. My nan and grandad were extremely generous and paid for the trip as they really wanted me to experience Canada for the first time. The school made such a big deal about getting ‘ski fit’ that they had me crapping my plus sized teenage pants before I’d even boarded the plane. Weighing 18st-ish in my later years at school, I was not the captain of any sports team and never had been. It was a struggle not to get picked last, and running around the all-weather pitch filled me with dread. So you can imagine that my ‘ski-fit’ plan was pretty bloody non-existent! Anyway, I made it there and loved it! I have pretty good coordination, and my balance was good at that time due to horse riding I did, so I found it fairly easy to pick up and quickly progressed. My fellow school mates soon christened me ‘the incredibly fast skier’ as I had two speeds…slow, or flat-out! They would spot me meandering along taking in the scenery, and then in the blink of an eye I would be zooming off. Gravity meant that skiing for a fat teenager was lots of fun! Yes, there were mishaps. Such as me somehow ending up buried to the waist in a snow drift and when my friend spotted me and came to help, the same thing happened to her. Neither of us were able to get out as we were laughing so much! There was also a nighttime skiing session which saw the snow turning icy and me not being able to get a purchase at all…meaning I practically slid down the mountain on my arse and was relegated to the beginners group for the following day…but, as ever, I ignored this advice and stayed where I was, completing a blue run on my third day of skiing! I knew why I kept having falls which saw my skis falling off, but didn’t want to admit it…I had fibbed about my weight on the ski hire forms – as my friends were next to me whilst I was filling it out – and so they had tensioned the skis for a much lighter person. So every time I had a slight mishap, the bloody things would come flying off! Next time I ski, I will tell the truth!
There we have it then – my Body Magic mishaps. Do you know what though…I look back and laugh now at these, and even at the time I found each incident quite amusing. Exercise is fun – it gives you such a mood boost and I cannot wait to join the ranks of gym-goers when I get back off holiday.
I can imagine that there will be further mishaps – and I shall happily share these with you along the way…for example, I can see issues clambering out of the swimming pool and have roped my Mum and other half in to help with this one…they can take a cheek each and nudge me out!
I also have my eye on a couple of challenges – the trek to Everest base camp is obviously a long way off! As a mini-goal, I have Ben Nevis and then the Three Peaks on my list, along with the Colour Run. If you haven’t heard of the Colour Run, check it out here – it looks amazing! In the meantime, I am going to stop looking in mirrors and just fall in love with feeling good – try it, it works!
Today has been very productive. I woke up and got straight on with housework – cleaning the spare room (which Mum is staying in tomorrow night before we head off!), the office, the bathroom and then the lounge. I even cleaned the kitchen cupboards too, and the fridge! I do not know what got into me, but it will be nice coming back to a lovely clean house…my other half and I are pretty messy individuals, so it isn’t often that the house looks like this! We then headed up to see the horses – who were fine, and happy to get a bale of hay. It was then off to Asda and home for packing! I am so excited now – I adore Scotland and the dog is excited too…as soon as she sees the suitcases comes out, she knows what is happening! Other than this, I finished some work for HOOP, opened a load of new books that arrived for uni, and ate some nice food…a good day!
Breakfast: Banana, kiwi and an Alpen light bar (0.5 HEB).
An okay food day today. I couldn’t decide what to have for breakfast and so just grabbed a couple of bits. Lunch was supposed to be ‘on toast’ but my other half forgot the bread, so it turned into an omelette without toast. It was actually quite nice – a box of stir-fry veggies that I cooked off and added the egg to and then grilled with some cheese on top – a bit like an egg fu yung dish. Dinner was a favourite in our house – syn free chips with mixed beans and veggies – courgette, tomatoes, onion, garlic – and topped with cheese…I love that on a Green day you can have cheese for a HEB too…bring on the cheese!
Exercise: I cleaned three rooms in the house properly – rather than just hiding everything! – then the kitchen cupboards and also the lounge…so it was a housework exercising opportunity. It made me sweat lots anyway!
Thank you for reading…
Weight Loss Bitch xxx