Following on from last nights blog post, I began to think about worth. Not so much in the Forbes Rich List sense, although I did give that some thought, but more so regarding your personal worth…how much you think of yourself.
I never really had an issue with self-worth. I grew up in a supportive and loving home environment and had always been told that I could do whatever I wanted to, or whatever I put my mind to – and I really believed it.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be a Page 3 girl after sneaking a look at my Dads copy of The Sun…when I announced this to my religious Nan, she wasn’t that impressed…and she probably prayed for me! I then wanted to be a truck driver, followed the week after by dreams of being a mounted police officer. This variety was just childhood dreams – my niece wants to be a mermaid or a vet, and her best friend wants to be a fairy ballerina…the joy of being a kid is that you really do think that you could be anything you want to be.
Gradually, as the years pass and people say stuff like, “Don’t be so stupid”, or, “You’re not clever enough”, or, “You’re not pretty enough”…your creativity and dreams start to diminish.
So I am going to try and fulfil a couple of mine – apart from the Page 3! I have decided to take my HGV2 test…so that I can drive a lorry big enough to carry all of my horses in…so I will be a truck driver. And I have decided to give myself a goal of trekking to Everest base camp…I have an obsession with Mount Everest for some reason…I would love to climb it, but given that I have no climbing experience I have to be realistic! And whilst the police force is not on my list, there is a kind of ‘neigh’bourhood watch on horseback…so I am going to look into that too. Given that I dress my horses up in enough hi-viz gear that overhead planes can spot us, and that I liked peeking over fences when I used to hack out (including spotting UB40 in the garden of one of the members houses!) I reckon I could do a good job of that.
Who knows – they might never happen…but it is nice to dream.
Instead of nurturing my potential, as my initial managers did, latter managers just squashed creativity and drove it into the ground. I was taking about it with my friend yesterday, telling her that I did drag any sick leave out towards the end…I broke my wrist in a horsey accident and dragged it out to two weeks as I hated being there, and I had shingles and dragged that out to two weeks too. I wonder if employers ever wonder if it might be the actions of their leaders and people managers that cause the initial enthusiasm and determination to wane?
Just as teachers have this power with children, mangers have this power with us! So I say that we get back to our creative roots if we can, and start to dream again. Take up a hobby that you used to love as a kid – potato painting for example…or get some chalk and draw a hop-scotch grid and return to carefree days. Remember what it felt like not to have financial worries, or relationship problems, or job woes. Then try and remember what you wanted to achieve when you were a ‘grown up’…and have a go!
It sounds so simple – and probably a bit lunatic-like of me. I am tired today, and rambling! I was just inspired by conversation yesterday, and by Dan Ariely – a behavioural economist and scientist – who talks about work and our employers killing our ideas and motivation without realising it. I just want to see a little joy in people – I want to be a bit carefree at times.
I also wanted to think about our worth in terms of money for a second too. I have had people say to me, “Oh, I am just a mum and housewife” when I ask them what they do. This frustrates the heck out of me – not only because being a mum is hugely important, but because if you worked out your hourly rate given the time and effort you put in, ‘just a mum and housewife’ doesn’t really do it justice!
So I don’t really know what the point of today’s blog is…it’s all a bit rambly really. I guess I would just love to get back that sense of being able to achieve anything. I thought that I would never shift this weight – and as a result, my self-esteem and self-worth hit rock bottom. Yet here I am, nearly halfway towards my goal and feeling fantastic. So what if I really could achieve anything – what would I do? And how could I make it happen?
Too many of us stay in dead end jobs, in dead end relationships, live with health issues because we do not think that we have a choice. I am not saying that quitting your job or ditching your other half is the way to go…but you could put an action plan together to start to drag yourself towards what it is that you do want.
Right then…I am going to finish there as I am in danger of really rambling!
Today has been busy and emotional. My other half and I had a pretty major argument – we are sorted now, but I said things that I shouldn’t have done, and that I didn’t mean. Why is it that you always end up being a shit to those you love the most, yet taking shit and eating shit from those you couldn’t care less for? I managed to fit in some great horsey time post argument…and my other half came with me and we chilled out. It was a good afternoon, but arguing and being a bitch is tiring…so I am just going to be nicer from now on I think! I then spent some time with the kids and my sister, before heading home for a late dinner, writing this, and then I have an assignment to check for a friend before grabbing some sleep and facing the week ahead…prepping for my holiday – woohoo!
Breakfast: Fruit feast!
A nice food day today. A brekkie of banana, mango, kiwi, raspberries, blueberries and blackberries. Lunch was just an Asda special…their tandoori mini fillets are syn free, and I bought a salad and the rolls to have at the stables. Dinner was spring greens, carrots, butternut squash, broccoli, roast red onion and chicken with melted LowLow on top. And my snacks were good too…one syn over what I should have had though.
Exercise: Clearing out a hay barn and mucking out four stables!
Thank you for reading – I hope that you had a great weekend,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx