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10Oct

“Do something today that your future self will thank you for”- Anon.

You know what it is? Life throws all sorts of problems and to be brutally honest that’s just normal in my world as it is with so many I have the pleasure to talk to. Sometimes writing this blog is therapeutic other times it feels like I’m pouring the little brain I have into a document and hoping that someone will understand exactly where I’m coming from.

Throughout this week my head’s been all over the shop. One second I’m full of beans laughing and joking with the best of them and the next minute I’m shaking, getting all paranoid and crying till I cry no more. The majority of the week was upbeat, positive and just your standard week until yesterday hit.

A quick question for you all. Do you sometimes feel like you’re powerless like your body has been taken over by someone else? Well on Wednesday another part of me decided to take over and you know what it felt strange. Halloween came early.

Unlike other minor shaky bouts this one made me feel rather worthless and I wanted to just crawl up in a ball and shut the world out. It felt bloody awful and something that although I knew would pass had left a lasting impression on me. My mascara was all over my face, my hair well and truly stuck up like lightning and my mam rather concerned walking me to my husband’s car at work.

It all started about 4.30am yesterday morning the alarm was due to go off in an hour’s time and I was restless pacing backwards and forwards to the toilet thinking to myself that something wasn’t right. Without looking too much into what was bothering me I decided to return to bed eyes fixated on the ceiling and my husband wondering what was the matter.

Within an hour I started loosing the sensation in the left hand side of my face and was extremely angry at yet again my body closing down on me. What was it this time? Consciously I was perfectly fine was it my subconscious playing tricks with me? I couldn’t quite answer that question. As you’re all well aware I get no warning.

Adamant that I wouldn’t be defeated by this episode I foolishly went to work trying so desperately to resume back to normal on the off chance that the feeling would return, the shaking wouldn’t arrive and that I could continue my day with a bit normality. Unfortunately this wasn’t meant to be.

Instead of accepting that my body was shutting down I couldn’t bring myself to accept it and wondered why I wasn’t overcoming this. My head was in bits, my body shaking repeatedly and my mind wandering as I usually do mid shake.

Whilst shaking the one question that entered my mind was Is this all worth it? Why do we as Epilepsy sufferers try to teach ourselves to overcome this torment when we know deep down that we have to ride out the storm?

Even after twenty years of suffering there’s this part of me that knows acceptance is key and that although I’ve reiterated this to you all on more than one occasion it is the most important.

After sleeping for 3 and a half hours, invading my fridge afterwards and looking back at what just happened it got me thinking.

We go through life with these potholes right in front of us however instead of stumbling we try our utmost to dodge them as though nothing ever happened. Unfortunately life isn’t as simple as that and instead of trying to smooth over the cracks knowing that your condition is a part of you, feeling that you are worthwhile even when you’re ill and realising that although we stumble we always get back up. This is something we should hold rather close to our chest instead of shying it away.

My parents used to say to me that it takes more of a person to admit defeat and get back up than to sit there doing nothing. Sitting doesn’t achieve anything nor does trying to push yourself when you know you don’t have the energy to carry on. Sometimes we need to listen to the people who care, embrace what we have, listen to our bodies and acknowledge when we aren’t at our peak.

The quote I’d written at the start of this evening’s blog pretty much explains it all.

Do something today that your future self will thank you for. Acknowledge the worry, address the issue and live your life the best way you can. I don’t think I can simplify it in any other way.

You’re bound to feel shit when you’ve had a seizure, you’re bound to feel low and concerned about your condition however you’re strong and I don’t think we take enough credit for what we have to endure. This isn’t to say that I want pity nor do you want pity but that together as a unit we get by, we help one another and you know what that’s priceless.

As for the rest of the week. Let’s sum it up in a nutshell.

Food- Well.. today was a work buffet in which we said goodbye to a couple of my closest work colleagues for a new team. They will be missed however I know they are nearby for a quick cuppa. Apart from the buffet the rest of the week has been rather good.

Exercise- Only completed it twice this week. My arse looks like a 30 bob cabbage therefore I must keep calm and squat on. Slim in 6 here I come.

Family- Still as daft as a ships cat.

Benny- Stopped farting and as handsome as ever.

My other half- Fascinated with Broadwalk Empire, as am I. Still trying not to burn the mince and keeping me sane.

Shopping- None unfortunately. I’m skint.

To conclude today’s post. A quick reminder really. You can only try your best. Don’t define your past to make way for your future. Define who you are right now and make the most with what you have. You never quite know what’s round the corner. Right Spag bol time… and a cuppa of course. Milky one sugar.

  

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