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20Oct

“Nothing you wear is more important than your smile”- Connie Stevens.

Smiling. The big booming grin that can tell a thousand tales.

Smiling usually consists of you raising both sides of your mouth and showing off those pearly whites of yours or in my case my relatively straight teeth that although are quite nice have been stained a tad by the medication I’ve taken over the years.

As Connie said above smiling is most important however from my experience can be something that people frown at because in some cases a smile can disguise a underlying problem that you aren’t prepared to accept. It can also be because someone has upset you or offended you in some way.

It’s the smiling on the off chance that no one will question what’s the matter and it’s the sorrow hiding behind that smile that can make it intriguing to others because deep down they can see your troubles without you even having to say anything.

With me I think I’ve only ever forced a smile about a dozen times, if I recall correctly that was possibly around company I didn’t particularly want to be around. Here I was smiling whilst looking for the back entrance so I could make a speedy exit. Other moments have included sitting in front of my neurologist on my return from university trying my utmost to disguise my worry that I would be returning back to my medication.

Tonight’s quote basically sums up what I think about smiling.

Like many of my previous posts people may sit and question why I’m writing about this topic however I think it’s something quite useful when determining someone else’s behaviour. It can in fact make people who suffer from a nervous disposition quite uncomfortable thus resulting in anxiety attacks, paranoia and in the worse case scenario a seizure.

I’m not going to lie and I’m going to lay my cards on the table. I was and on occasion still am a worrier. From the day I was diagnosed worry got on top of me.

Whether it be the occasional side effect, the tiredness after a seizure or the concerns surrounding where my life would end up I decided to take the world on my shoulders. No one told me I had to nor did anyone ask me to take on this role, I took this upon myself to mask that I was struggling with Epilepsy and only at the age of 25 did I see what was happening. This was when therapy entered my life.

Unfortunately as the years passed by my want for everyone else to be happy made me question where I stood and whether I could be happy with the condition I had. Previous therapy sessions took me to a point and although extremely beneficial still didn’t feel like it was hitting the spot as I kept on jumping back into negative behaviours.
I wasn’t entirely fulfilled because I hadn’t accepted what I had therefore was living my life on a tight rope hoping that I wouldn’t fall off.

Ignore this if I’ve told you this story before however I remember the day when I previously went into a therapy session with Bob approximately three years ago.

Bob and I from the offset had a game plan that being to attempt to get my issues resolved in six weeks and for me to realise that the world didn’t revolve around Epilepsy my condition was solely a part of me nothing more.

Within six weeks Bob gave me the tools I needed to regulate my way of thinking and to see that life wasn’t just about worry. It was about smiling, having a laugh and trying to fathom out who Saz was because she hid behind her condition for far too long.

Mid way through my therapy Bob asked me to reminisce and to rewind back seventeen years to when I was diagnosed.

Four chairs were placed either side of me in which I had to sit in all four and behave to fit the scenario. The four chairs represented me at the ages of 8, 18, Epilepsy and now. He would ask the questions the rest was up to me.

Whilst reading this some of you may ask what is the Epilepsy chair all about?

The Epilepsy chair was a chair that pose great significance in this session. This chair would hold the answers for me to finally get a grip and understand that Epilepsy wasn’t the root of all evil, it was the fear inside of me about my condition that made me feel the way I did.

Bob asked me an array of questions in each seat. The earlier stages I sat there little girl lost wondering why and how Epilepsy entered my life, how my family would cope with such a complex condition and whether I would be able to stop myself from worrying.

I entered teenage life in chair two. The seizures returned, I returned from university feeling sorry for myself because my condition prevented me from having a life and the worry that I was a failure because by returning I’d let my parents down thus allowing Epilepsy to win.

Chair three well. What can I say? Chair three was the Epilepsy chair. Bob asked that I become my condition, in which I would be my condition as though the Epilepsy was a person. I would have to tell him why Epilepsy entered my life to which there was no real answer.

Feeling like I was hallucinating at one stage I answered the Epilepsy questions with such anger that I actually stood up at one stage shouting at Bob like he was my enemy.

I said at one point of our session that I wanted to be loved, I wanted a place to live and I wasn’t wanting to do battle with Saz this was just who I was. I was not there to cause commotion and make other people’s lives a misery and that by shutting Saz’s body down that I was helping her.

Chair four was the me now and I swear within 45 minutes the constant worry I had battled with for years started to make sense.

The smile started to return and I felt like my condition and I couldn’t keep going to battle with one another because the unnecessary worry I was putting onto myself on my seizure free days was making matters worse. I should have been enjoying myself on my seizure free days than backing myself into a corner that quite frankly I didn’t have to do.

Whilst writing this the emotion comes flooding back and you know what? Life is worth so much more than panic, aggravation and constant worry. We are all bound to have moments such as the ones I’ve described however you are the person that has to live with this and that you are the person people love up to and adore.

I hope what I have written today hasn’t alarmed you or disturbed you in any way because this is not my intention however I truly feel that the occasional push to see how inspirational you are is needed in order for change to happen.

Epilepsy can be a right pain in the arse at times and I understand that however sometimes it’s best to grab the bull by the horns and just go with the flow. If you fall then you get back up, if you don’t then great. Another happy day.

As for the remainder of the day.

I’m slowly but surely turning into a domestic goddess! Me I ask myself? Blooming heck I think this new me is messing with my head. Apart from having to buy the odd bag of prepared veg because my hands shake so much I end up cutting myself I think I’m doing quite well. I’ve made casseroles, soups and chicken dinners. Nothing has gone to waste! And before you say no I’m not lazy! Haha!

As for the exercise well I’m thoroughly enjoying my slim in 6. As all of my meals are packed with vegetables and protein I think this has helped sustain my energy to continue onto the more challenging workouts.

Family well. They are splendid. Dad and I didn’t win on our football bets (yet again) and as for my husband well he’s had no further spillages in the kitchen and keeps me laughing on a daily basis. Benny on the other hand stole a piece of unattended chicken this morning before gallivanting outdoors.. much to the dismay of his mam.

To conclude today’s post. Smiling is so important as is laughing for that matter. My dad used to say when I was younger have a laugh an hour and that will make the day seem brighter.

Epilepsy doesn’t have to be our enemy nor does any other medical condition for that matter. We make the best with what we have therefore that’s all you can ask for. Never under any circumstance worry about what cannot be but what can be. You are lovely the way you are therefore chin up and show me your pearly whites! Go on I know you can.. Say cheese!

  

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