“Everything is ok in the end, if it’s not ok then it isn’t the end”- Anon.
A story. It has a start, a middle and an end. From my ramblings I think you know enough about me by now.
As corny as this may sound and in true Saz fashion I feel like I’m putting the Saz in pizazz. Apologies I quite literally crack the worst one liners ever!
Tonight’s quote has been chosen because over the course of the past week I’ve seen a change in myself like no other. I’m hoping it stays for the long term.
The feeling of serving a purpose and the knowing that although I have disliked the condition I’ve had for the length of time I’ve had it that there has been a slight change in the way I perceive not only myself but Epilepsy in general.
You are all aware of how my day starts however throughout the day my mood has a tendency to change within an hour of taking my medication and then there’s the worry of whether I’ll be unwell and whether I have to halt the day to accommodate this pitfall I call Epilepsy. In my mind my fingers are crossed, my long gangly toes crossed also and the hope that my condition won’t make me feel sorry for myself and translate into paranoia, concern and upheaval.
Since my appointment with neurology on Monday I’ve started to document my feelings towards my condition and like when I would previously record my thought patterns, dates of shaking and questions I wanted to raise with my neurologist in my epilepsy diary I’ve decided to adopt a different approach and actually write what I am achieving within myself right now.
Now people may sit and question that I’m not actually doing anything as such. I’m going to work, coming home, doing chores, completing my exercise blah blah blah however to me they aren’t just normal everyday things.
To me they’re duties that I’m doing independently and that I’m doing relatively well in without Epilepsy getting in the way. On your good days it’s all worthwhile and on your down days you’re disappointed at the prospect that these same jobs will have to wait till the following day.
For those reading this may understand and for the remainder of you; you may question why I’ve listed this tonight. Maybe it’s because some things that others take for granted are deemed as mini victories in the eyes of someone suffering from a long term medical condition.
To me accomplishing small things such as those listed above is proving to myself that although I may never know when an episode will occur that I’m strong enough to get by. Accomplishing those things also mean that I feel free, normal and just the person that I want to be, as you all want to be within yourselves.
Over the past few days I’ve seen others have the odd struggle with their condition however their strength and determination to cope irrespective of the episodes they’re having makes me want to wrap my arms round them, give them a cuddle and tell them everything’s ok however I know that those are the people who keep me going, who keep me determined and in true advocate style show the world what they’re made of.
On Wednesday I went to see my counsellor and explained what happened two days previous. Upon contact with her I could feel myself for once smiling over the prospect that although I have something I’ve wanted rid of for so long that everyone deserves a chance. Everyone is entitled to that element of happiness and irrespective of how hard it is to get there we all deserve to be happy in more ways than one.
Whilst discussing my current situation we both sat there and drew the same conclusion. Epilepsy shouldn’t be about doom and gloom, seizures and medication it should be about acknowledging the condition you have, understanding that in times of struggle you’re a person who copes extremely well and are serving a purpose within the epilepsy community because you’re experiences help others.
The fact that we come together as a community is a force to be reckoned with and to be brutally honest the people I’ve had the pleasure of speaking to have given me that incentive to carry on writing and are giving me that support that I’ve craved for so long from people “outside of the box” i.e. outside of friends and family who maybe don’t fully understand our situation.
I’ve never understood Epilepsy until now. To this day I’m still learning. There’s never a day that passes by when it’s not on my mind however I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t going anywhere in a hurry and by gosh I wouldn’t allow it to be the end because I know how difficult it is to get to a reasonably happy place.
After years of talking, arguing and disagreeing with the ones I love I’m starting to realise that I’m trying my best right now. I’m never going to please everyone all of the time but why do I want to?
The shakes may never leave me, the seizures hopefully won’t return however if they do I can give myself that pat on the back and say that it was good while it lasted. There’s people in a worse situation than me therefore I should be proud of myself.
As for the remainder of my week, let’s summarise:
Family- The usual love spending time with family. Both my husband and Benny (the cat) are breaking the bank and eating me out of house and home.
Exercise- 3 times this week. Not bad, room for improvement. Jeans are feeling looser.
Food- Chocolate is still in my life, I’m not even going to try and cut it out because it always bats it’s lashes at me and I succumb to eating it. Otherwise my cooking skills are improving!
Anything else: Not really. Just smiling like never before!
To conclude today’s post. This isn’t the end by any stretch of the imagination. Look deep into yourself and see what you’re currently achieving. By doing this this may allow you to move forward and sustain that positive factor. Everyone goes through difficult times however the not so difficult makes us appreciate the good days therefore put this into practice, crack a smile and just be you.