Today I have mostly been committing one of the seven deadly sins…envy!
My envy began in the early hours of the morning, after I had been for my umpteenth wee of the night. I could hear my other half, and the dog, snoring away all warm and cosy…I had a burning desire to make a massive noise and wake them both up! Sleep envy is a bugger, but I managed to resist disturbing them! 
I then had a bout of breakfast envy. My other half had eaten a whole pack of mini Quorn scotch eggs, followed by half a tub of Onken with seeds and nuts thrown in. I had my porridge made with water and a banana…I would have swapped the whole bowl for a couple of scotch eggs.
Then it was the turn of gym envy to strike. There were two lovely looking girls in the gym – not a spare ounce of flesh on either of them. They were doing a very sedate workout on the recumbent bikes, followed by a half-hearted session of weights. There was not a hair out of place, or a droplet of sweat to be seen! I on the other hand was sweating buckets, with flesh moving in directions that flesh should not go in, working my heart out.
As I moved to the weights section I could hear them talking about how awful their bingo wings were, and the fact that they really needed to do something about their ‘love-handles’….there wasn’t even a touchpad of flesh, let alone a fecking handle to be seen. And bingo wings – really?! Until your bingo wings are giving you a round of applause as you work your way around the gym – slapping and clapping for all they are worth – then you are lucky as far as I am concerned! 
Seriously though – I know everyone has body hang-ups and that these are very personal to each individual, I am not saying that my situation is worse than anyone else’s…but if you are that bothered about them, then how about lifting something instead of fecking chatting about them?!
To put the cherry on the cake, one of them then complained about how she didn’t like the cut of girls shorts and bought boys ones instead…although she did have to buy 13 to 14 year old boy sizes as she was too tiny for mans ones. My heart bled for her…as my stomach was lying on my thighs as I was shoulder pressing for my life…and my leggings were stretched to full capacity…my size 36 extra high waisted (to keep my stomach under some sort of control) leggings.
I had to smile in the end. Something that Jessie Pavelka said to me the other day ran through my mind. It was something that I have often thought before, but never mentioned…something along the lines of, ‘the depth of your life experience having gone through this battle is immense’. I don’t think that this is something that anyone who hasn’t been where I have been can grasp. Obviously, we all have our issues, and I would never assume an understanding of them – I think any serious battle adds depth to your life and wisdom and experience etc. I must admit though that when I hear some people discussing their body issues, I have a wry internal smile. This has nothing to do with a ‘my issue is bigger than yours’ mentality…it’s hard to describe what it is really…maybe it’s about context and the importance that people place on stuff that isn’t really as big of a deal as they think it is. I don’t know. I just feel sad for people who look amazing yet cannot see this…they waste so much time trying to be perfect that they stop enjoying the here and now. Anyway, ‘each to their own’ and ‘live and let live’ to coin some cheesy phrases!
After the gym I went to one of these shopping parks. It was on the pretence of buying my other half some gloves for his weight lifting as he has soft office-worker hands! However there is the food item of the moment on offer there and I am addicted this week – the jacket potato man! So I had my potato and watched the world go by, whilst he strutted into Sports Direct in as macho a manner as he could to buy weight lifting gloves…you can only imagine!
Once again envy struck and I found myself watching ladies. In the past this has got me accused of being a lesbian – not that I give a crap about that stuff – but admiring the female form, as a female, is not the done thing so it seems! I was watching these ladies walking past in jeans and knee-high boots and lovely winter outfits…and I just wanted to be doing the same. Sitting in the car in two day old leggings, fluorescent pink fluffy socks, old trainers and an oversized jumper with my wooly hat on just didn’t give me ‘that’ feeling. So I got a bit envious and a bit maudlin.
I soon snapped out of it though. One of my 2014 goals is going to be taking more of an interest in girly stuff. I never wear make-up. I have been told that I don’t need it…but I think that is just politeness really on the behalf of the people wondering where my mascara is! I have had the same hairstyle for years, never colour my hair, hardly ever wear nail varnish – in fact my last attempt at nail varnish resulted in me being told that my fingers looked like ‘poo-sticks’. Don’t get me wrong – I wash! I cleanse, tone and moisturise and have a fetish for Clinique products…but just not of the make-up variety. I dyed my hair once but the blonde streaks – I have natural highlights I suppose you would call them – turned pink. And whenever I wear make-up it just never seems to stay put and I feel like I resemble that awful clown off the fecking ‘Simpsons’. So I might need some nudging along with this goal…as I am quite happy not being interested in all of this stuff, but I just feel that I should be interested.
My reality-check button is firmly switched on too. My weight loss is going well – nearly at the 17.5st mark now – and my body is sagging. I know that there will be certain outfits that I won’t be able to wear and look good in. I accept this. I just can’t help getting envious pangs every now and again. Like the lady in the bikini at the pool yesterday, or the lady in skin tight jeans and knee-high boots today. But ‘shit happens’ as they say…I have led my life in the way I chose to, and so I will deal with whatever I end up looking like. Just let me have my moaning moments though…it’s part of the dealing with the emotional stuff I talk about. The old me would have headed to Burger King instead of eating a potato, and I would have followed it up with a bag of junk food from Asda. So as hard as it can be to accept the situation for what it is and what it will be, I have to do this!
However, I am very cognisant of the fact that all of these people I look at enviously – judging them based on appearance – could have had major issues that they have battled. Who am I to assume that the gym lovelies weren’t both a few stone overweight a year ago? Who am I to assume that the ladies I watched in the knee-high boots aren’t battling an eating disorder? Envy is not a good look! Don’t assume, don’t judge, don’t base your happiness on wanting what you think other people have!
Other than what I have already mentioned above, today has been okay…nothing out of the ordinary. I saw the horses, who are all in fine form. I had taken them some sprouts to eat…my Shetland was not impressed, nor was our mare even though she grudgingly ate a few. My two boys were happy to eat them…my Welsh lad loves his Christmas treat of a sprout stalk, so I must remember to get him one this year. They were all warm and toastie and let me warm my hands up under their rugs! We popped to the shops for a few bits and then I headed home for the afternoon. I prepped food for my post-swim dinner…a nice Moroccan soup recipe I put on Facebook the other day. I couldn’t find the spice mix, so just Googled it and made it up myself. It smelt lovely whilst cooking. I did get two bouts of envy on the way home…one when my other half decided on chips from the chippy for his dinner – the smell filled the car, and the other was when I saw the Chinese takeaway delivery driver loading his car up…I kind of wanted to ram and run, but opted for driving past sensibly! An evening of Breaking Bad is on the cards I think, followed by a late alarm call tomorrow.
Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).
Lunch: Jacket potato, beans and cottage cheese.
Dinner: Moroccan roasted veg soup with burgers (2 x HEA, 2 x HEB and 2 syns).
Snacks: Rice cakes (7.5 syns) and Black Forest fruits with Greek yogurt.
A good food day! Brekkie was the usual to fuel my workout. I am addicted to the jacket potatoes from the man in the van…he doesn’t use oil on the skins or anything like that, so syn free…so I had another one today! Dinner was gorgeous – the soup was lush (check out the recipe in the above link) and the burgers were great as usual.My snacks were lovely too – and eaten before my evening swim to keep me going and to stop me from munching on one of those foam floats!
Exercise: 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, 45 minutes of weights, 60 minutes of swimming
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
WeightLossBitch
On a health and fitness driven journey to lose over 32st / 448lbs / 203kgs – yes, it is a considerable amount – I am committed to losing my excess weight without the aid of weight loss surgery, diet pills, or quick fixes…as there aren’t any! Changing my eating habits and building up my fitness levels, along with addressing the ‘head issues’ will be crucial in order for me to achieve my goal. Living in England as a 31 year old super morbidly obese woman can be challenging to say the least. I have been shouted at in the street and verbally abused far too many times to mention; hence the name ‘Weight Loss Bitch’…the day I am just called a ‘bitch’ instead of a ‘fat bitch’ will be the day that I know I have cracked my weight loss! With many reasons to lose this weight I am documenting my journey for a number of reasons. Firstly, I would like to keep a record of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and the challenges I face with such an enormous task to tackle. Secondly, I would also like to inspire and encourage other people who are in a similar situation and to show them that significant amounts of weight can be lost naturally…with a bit of motivation, hard work, dedication and will power. Thirdly, all of the blogging, Facebook-ing, Tweet-ing, Pinterest-ing and YouTube-ing keeps me occupied and keeps my fingers out of the fridge!
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