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23Nov

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“Love is like a beautiful rose, it takes time and patience before it fully blossoms”- Anon.

Today I promised myself I wouldn’t blog because today was about relaxation and being tranquil in both body and mind however when my husband decided after a bottle of wine and a quick flick onto the football that I would come online and just say a few words.

There’s always been this big grey area of what “the perfect relationship is” and how men and women look at relationships in a way that can be in some cases rather complex. The quote above sums up what how I break down relationships. There was however a saying I read recently and that was:

” A gentleman makes commitments, a loser makes promises”

Now this doesn’t just apply to you gents it applies to women too however it did strike me quite hard because never have I ever seen it written in such a statement that way however from where I’m sitting I think it hits the nail on the head. Apologies if that offends anyone however that’s just my personal opinion.

Having a condition shouldn’t prevent you from having a relationship full stop.

As you all know in January 2013 I made the massive leap to write a blog about my experiences with overcoming worry, anxiety and coping with Epilepsy.

By drafting my personal problems with all three gave me that sense of achievement in myself to erase the stumbling blocks I was facing on a regular basis and to explain in my own personal way my twenty year journey with a condition I had tried to eliminate from my life completely and failed miserably.

The quote along with the photo above that doesn’t need an explanation, I think my feelings are written all over my face. This photo is not just a photo of great joy however was a one that truly emphasised my feelings towards Epilepsy on what has to be without doubt the best experience of my life. The buildup to that wedding was immense for one reason and one reason alone.

The big question from the moment I got engaged was..

Would I have a seizure that could dampen my wedding day?

When it comes to any condition the stress of anything life changing can cause great distress and comfort. Whether it be sheer excitement or a detachment within your current comfort zone this can have an emotional connection with your psyche and can in times of anxiety result in seizures, trauma and in the majority of cases a high level of reassurance from your nearest and dearest.

This evening I thought to myself that I would share another part of my life with you all.

Without coming across as a soppy mess I decided to dedicate this post to my husband Adam who not only made me the happiest girl in the world two and a half years ago by marrying me but has seen every aspect of me some of which I was ashamed to reveal particularly when my condition was showing it’s true colours.

The memories we have had so far aren’t ones of spending sprees and lavish gifts but are ones that make me see that Adam sees me as a person and not just a condition. As we approach our sixth Christmas together in our home it’s got me thinking about how our relationship has not only evolved but how our individual thoughts of Epilepsy as a whole have changed somewhat over the period we’ve been together.

For those who haven’t read the earlier posts of Sazzle’s blog may not be aware of how my husband ‘s views on Epilepsy came into play and how within the space of six months of him and I coming together would my condition hit us with an almighty force.

My husband has seen two seizures in total, the first when we moved into our home in October 2008, the other on 6th January 2009.

Both dates are prevalent to the lifelong changes we made to one another and how something as simple as saying “I love you” would turn into something far greater than love. These episodes describe love in a different context, by having these regular occurrences (seizures and shaky bouts) it would elevate our relationship into a deeper place, a connection that would require patience, reassurance and strength.

Watching the one you love shaking uncontrollably, foaming at the mouth, groaning and going blue in the face is not what you want anyone to see let alone the person you’ve recently entered a relationship with.

As a person unaware of what you’re doing can when after an episode when conscious make you question the longevity of your relationship because of what they’ve just saw however Adam erased those insecurities within me and in secondsnlooked at my disability as a part of me. Deep down although the smile had diminished within me his positivity and will power gave me the hope that we could last and low and behold nearly six years on that hasn’t changed.

Having seizures and shaking episodes from my partner’s perspective is something he feels he needs to take sole responsibility for, me on the other hand may not have always agreed with him because in my opinion taking the entire world on your shoulders is not only unhealthy but can cause someone to turn extremely introverted and detached from what’s going on.

As an Epilepsy sufferer I have never wanted anyone to have that element of sympathy for me. To be given that acceptance within a community is something that has touched me however  I’ve never wanted to be treat any differently from anyone else.

All I’ve ever wanted is for people to take into account that in certain scenarios I am restricted and have to make reasonable adjustments for my health.

The only thing that differentiates me from the majority are the times where I have to relax, where I have to consider a strategic plan at times and when my day has to come to a standstill to accommodate my condition. Other than that I’m a woman like any other who wants to be happy and content within her circle, nothing more.

When asking him what the first word is that enters his head to express his feelings towards my episodes his word is “fear” because he has no control of my situation. When you reverse this entirely and ask him how he thinks I cope with my condition the word to describe me is “bravery”. To him although I’m not regularly convulsing I do battle everyday with a condition that  not only effects me but effects over 65 million people.

To Adam he wants nothing more than to take this pressure from me and to allow me to have a life with no question marks above my head when making decisions incase it jeopardises my health. As all partners should he just wants me to be happy as I do him.

To me I’ve never looked at myself as being brave, to me he’s brave because my life is in his hands 24/7. He’s the one that drops everything and he’s the one who has supported me through thick and thin as a friend and as a partner.

I think cutting a long story short here what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t have to sell yourself short because you have a condition. Never in a million years did I ever think I’d be where I am right now.

No I’m not the millionairess I dreamt of being nor am I permanently cured of Epilepsy however what I’m starting to notice is that do I have to have this to be truly happy? Surely with air in my lungs, acceptance starting to make an appearance and Adam by my side then what’s the point in constantly beating myself down in times of worry? Nothing can be gained from this.

Everyone is entitled to have a relationship should you want it however there has to be an element of compromise, a feeling of self worth and knowing at the back of your mind that whatever will be will be and as long as you’ve tried your best then there’s nothing more you can do.

As for the remainder of my day…

Saturday can only mean spending time with the family, shouting at the football bets and in my case now because we are approaching the Christmas season to start hinting for Christmas presents!

Shopoholic as I am there’s nothing bad with hinting and if you’re parents tell you to try something on then by gosh off to the changing rooms I’ll go. Hopes however were dashed on the spot therefore I’m hoping the sizes won’t be in my favourite stores for my return on Monday night for more festive shopping.

Exercise wise I’m not going to lie it was poor today. Part of me wanted to lunge with a bar of chocolate in my hand however I refused and ate a mullerrice instead, less on the calories and every ounce as fulfilling.

As for the food I did succumb to a bag of chip shop chips however didn’t have a battered fish therefore had those and felt rather mad at myself at the same time. Washed down with a glass of vino went down well however as of tomorrow I’m back on the Sazzle health kick and will be wasting no time in eating healthily and hoping that by the end of next week I won’t be saying that statement again!

To conclude today’s post. Without support it can be twice as hard however knowing that you can reach out to others about your condition should be something that you embrace not push away. In my case I found someone who made me see that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that there are decent people out there who are prepared to make the same sacrifices for you as you are for them.

Maybe it was fate however the more I think about it I don’t know why I’ve ever worried about people’s perceptions of me. As my dad would say “If you like me you like me and if you don’t then I can’t make you”. Think about that before you worry and see if this helps. Either way always remember that you’re loved and that my friend is one of the best feelings in the world.

 

 

 

  

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