“There are no classes in life for beginners; right away you are always asked to deal with what is most difficult” Rainer Maria Rilke.
A question for you? What is life really all about?
To me life is a word that people tend to either get themselves bogged down with or take with a pinch of salt. The one thing that tends to draw a conversation is when we divulge information about our own lives to others to see if there’s any similarities and whether we as individuals can come together in order to assist and help one another.
When I say what similarities we have I’m not just talking about people who have Epilepsy it’s about people from all walks of life, different nationalities, fashion sense, children, partnerships, emotional connections, relationships etc you kind of get where I’m coming from right?
The saying is that whoever you come into contact with will result in you leaving some form of impression on them. You’re not living that person’s life however you have given that person a slight insight into your life as they have theirs and whether you believe this or not you have put your stamp on it because you’re involved.
This afternoon’s quote is one that made me chuckle because when I was younger I thought that when you hit a certain age that there would be some form of instruction manual to enable you to get through all situations and that this manual would be a dead cert for me being able to cope with life.
Unfortunately naivety clouded the younger me and the scenarios that were to follow particularly with my Epilepsy would be ones that would not only test my patience but would also be thought provoking and make a major impact on the twenty years that were to follow.
For those who have read Sazzle’s blog from the beginning will have a rough idea as to how I got here, my emotional distress with my Epilepsy, the repeated attempts to be someone I wasn’t and the hope that one day Epilepsy would wave goodbye to me and the stress it had left behind. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case and to me it took a long time to accept that life wasn’t what I’d envisaged and that compared to other people I was different to an extent.
Going through bullying as a child and the worry of my parents separation took it’s toll and although I’ve failed to admit it over the years it left a lasting impression for a long time.
The feeling like I needed to justify my reasoning to others was an insecurity I put onto myself because I didn’t connect with my condition till I got older therefore I was left frustrated and agitated at what Epilepsy had done to me and how this had an impact with the people I approached. I therefore wanted to protect the people I loved the most from this insecurity I thought I couldn’t stop out of fear that they would leave.
At the age of 28 I’m now at a stage in life where the feeling of being alone isn’t something I’m afraid of anymore and love speaking with anyone who wants to chat. Having a partner doesn’t necessarily eliminate the feeling of being alone. Many may disagree however negative thoughts can play a dominant part of your life far more than what a partner can.
The worrying whether the people I love will walk away isn’t something I look upon as a matter of fact.
As far as I’m concerned if you want to be a part of my life then come along for the ride otherwise get off my rollercoaster at the next stop because I cannot afford with petulant behaviour making me reminiscent of my childhood.
People may read this and think “Well of course she’s not worried about being alone because she has a partner there who supports her” however as much as this is something I too have considered you never know what’s round the corner and like the shakes making regular appearances in my life there was this feeling that my world could crumble quicker than it was built and as a result I cannot be complacent and take anything for granted.
No one can teach you how to be you just as no one can replace you because you are you.
There shouldn’t be any second rate version of yourself because you should be who you want to be.
Until a couple of years ago I wanted to be someone else god knows who but someone who couldn’t give a shit, someone who wanted to prove a point however not quite knowing what that point was. Maybe it was being a prick and not accepting that falling is just a part of life. You’re bound to have downs than ups. Sometimes you come up trumps and other times you fold and that’s just normal.
I used to be (and still are at times mind) a person who would read or listen to someone talking about how fabulous their life was, the no worry approach as though they had everything they needed right there and then. Sitting listening I would automatically think “I wish that was me” however like what I’d just mentioned there you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Everyone has their own life to lead and as my dad will repeatedly say to me
“You know Saz do you really think people are sitting at home worrying about you when they have their own lives to lead” As much as I never wanted to admit it to him he was right. They didn’t have that manual as no one has therefore why worry?
Life isn’t always about the days merging into one and happiness coming at every available opportunity, having those knocks make me appreciate on a personal level that when the good times come you grasp it with both hands. When the bad times arrive then these are the moments where you relax, reflect and not put that emphasis on yourself to be someone you’re not because in doing so isn’t going to achieve anything it just makes you feel worse.
As for the remainder of the week.
Before I even give a brief account of my weekend. 10 more sleeps to go 10 more sleeps till Santa. I’m like a rather large kid waiting desperately for Christmas to arrive. I’m bouncing about like tigger from Winnie the Pooh!
The chocolate was out after Friday I resisted chocolate yesterday for one reason and one reason only.. I daren’t admit it I have an obsession with Yankee Candles. Every time I see a candle I cannot resist having a sniff plunging my nose into the jars. At least one thing’s for certain sniffing them isn’t calorific! Why didn’t I think of this sooner? I’ve already bought three.. I need to stop!
Exercise wise I’ve been exercising and trying my best to stick to my exercise at least 4 times per week regime. Squats, situps, cardio, resistance bands, I’m raring to go and allowing the adrenaline to take over! I’m quite literally feeling the burn.
As for the food well.. I’ve had my ups and downs however come to terms with the fact that a regimented approach may not be the best approach for me. Saying no to everything only makes me want it more therefore little and often. Drinking low fat options instead of throwing bars of chocolate down my mouth and feeling bad after.
To conclude today’s post. I’m going to leave you with a quote that I hope tally’s in well with this post. Do as you will with it.
“Our limitations and success will be based on our own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon” Waitley