“There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose”- William B Bulger
Choice it’s a word that can cause controversy. The word choice is something that we tend to occasionally deviate from and from my own personal experience has chosen to ignore from time to time.
Over the years I’ve wondered whether the word blame and choice walk hand in hand with one another because from what I have seen in scenarios that I have not only been a part of but have contributed towards choice is what defines who you are and what can determine what direction your can life go down.
Now people may sit, read this and think to themselves that I shouldn’t have that opinion as I have only entered your life for a short time however what I do know is that when I reminisce about my own experiences.
I can see that the word choice is extremely important when deciding who you want to be, who you want to be associated with and how you as an individual can be the decider as to what makes you the happiest you can be at this very moment.
Growing up with Epilepsy was a condition that I believed to restrict me as a person and although the majority of this is true my seizures/shakes were and still are a burst of negative energy that whizzed through my body for a time of their choosing.
Although my episodes make me feel deflated for a significant amount of time after they are epileptic episodes nothing more. These episodes are a way of telling me that my body needs that time to regain focus and to relax.
I can appreciate that the majority of people reading this will have more than one seizure per week and question how many times per week they have to rest in order to have a well relaxed body that can in time become seizure free however I cannot be the one to answer that question because everyone is different.
From the age of 8 I’ve heard that the majority of my grand mal seizures (excluding one when I know alcohol didn’t help) have all been unexpected.
Nothing triggers them, stress could be deemed as the root cause however to this day that question remains unanswered. This is where the word acceptance comes in and although I prattle on using that word regularly that word has to be the pivotal word to my own personal recovery which to this day is still work in progress.
I’ll share a story with you that may merge this quote of the day with my life.
When I in my late teens I returned to neurology following the return of my grand mal seizures. Frightened at what my neurologist would conclude the fear of returning back to anti epileptic drugs and yet again feeling like a guinea pig being tested on made me become negative in myself.
Having an MRI scan and a separate EEG the following week my world felt like it had been turned upside down because not only had I returned from University without a degree but my seizures just so happened to be the icing on the cake I didn’t want to eat.
My body didn’t want to care. My mind and body weren’t in sync with one another. It wanted to shut down and tell the world to go fuck itself.
Being told I would go onto Keppra and Lamotrogine were drugs I let go over my head because to be fair I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to listen. I probably came across as someone who didn’t want to care.
As far as I was concerned I was feeling well and truly for myself shutting all doors to the people who loved me and losing that sense of inhibition my family had instilled into me from an early age. Agreeing and putting on a brave face become second nature and the fear that my seizures would have increased a second time round made me change my personality entirely behind closed doors.
One day after a seizure I had in my dad’s car I made the ultimate choice to not cave in and to accept that the choices I made to return home, to go into full time employment instead of perusing a degree I didn’t particularly want and excluding the medication aspect of it was my choice.
Whilst thinking I knew I had to embrace the fact that this wasn’t necessarily destiny I just needed to come to terms with the fact that I needed help and that everyone in some stage of their life needs help.
I decided that the only way forward would be to document my thoughts, go to my GP and seek that additional help. There was no way out of rut I was in and be honest that’s no way for a young adult to live. This was my choice and I could no longer blame the fact my Epilepsy had steered my goals off course. I was doing that of my own accord.
My heart wasn’t in the place I tried to persuade myself it was therefore why convince myself that everything in the garden was rosy when it wasn’t?
Before entering my first stage of therapy I poured my emotions into the ones I loved, the family who had been my rock since the day I was born and although decisions had been made that had once troubled me they were the people who have supported me throughout and have given me the incentive to portray myself in a way I never thought was possible.
The Epilepsy has made me worry over my lifetime but the fact I had allowing this to happen on a yearly basis was something I didn’t want anymore. Epilepsy is a condition I have. I keep saying this but it’s so true, although it is a part of me and although we don’t see eye to eye if Epilepsy wasn’t a part of my life then I don’t know who I’d be right now.
The choice to accept what I have is priceless and has taken a bloody long time to get there. It isn’t something I enjoy however the only time I will allow it to have it’s say is when an episode occurs after that then I have to be in control and make the right decisions for me.
I’m not saying for one second that you all have to agree however to sit down, look in the mirror and see that you are one of 65 million people who have this condition should make you see that you aren’t alone. We are all in the same boat (some more severe than others) however those people and the individuals who know and support someone with Epilepsy are the people who understand how we feel.
As for the remainder of my week.
My yankee candle jars have increased ten fold. After watching numerous Youtube videos my eyes and well truly opened on how to trim wicks, burn candles evenly, log candles alphabetically and all the rest of it. I’m having to now limit myself to 3 candles per month otherwise my husband will kill me because all the spare space my old clothing was have been replaced by the smells of lemons, clean cotton and rose petals.
Food wise. Well this battle is a one that I’m progressing with nicely. My chocolate intake has decreased (it’s getting there) and I’m not eating as much as I did over Christmas. After consuming 1.25kg of Galaxy milk chocolate in one sitting has to be not only a national record but a one that I cannot repeat again… well until Easter anyway.
Exercise well I’m merging my slim in 6 with my old Davina DVD’s chopping and changing my exercise regime to cardio, sculpt and resistance sessions. I’m seeing a slight difference so fingers crossed.
Apart from that all is well on the family front and we are all remaining positive for 2014.
To conclude today’s post. There are bound to be times where you are unable to control certain things in life however there are many times where you can. Life is about happiness and making the most of what you have right now. It’s not about waiting for someone else to make that decision for you or to tell you how you should live your life so you can blame them later on.
There’s a saying that I think is probably right “Appreciating the good days make the bad days more bearable”
Accepting that everyone has problems is something that we too need to understand and that although we have our own personal battles it’s highly likely that someone close to you is too thinking the same thing.
When it comes to Epilepsy blaming yourself won’t achieve anything it’ll just make you feel worse. On the other hand achieving the goals you set for yourself is a thing to be proud of therefore go live your life and be happy in the process.