It’s been an interesting day…my expectations have been challenged and I threw a tantrum or two!
After the highs of yesterday, came the lows of today which resulted in me standing on a hill and shouting, “I hate it that I am like this!”
This was not in reference to my size or weight, but more in terms of my fitness and my attitude. I have come so far, yet I still feel like a failure at times…but this is all in mind and really it is just me being a big nobhead!
So, how did I reach this point today? Well, we both decided that it would be good to stretch our legs and so I searched for a nice walking route for us. There are two walks that I definitely want to get in before we head home – one is the forest walk that I got us lost on…but I obviously want to follow the correct route – and the other is a circular forest walk in Glen Nevis. Neither are too taxing for the fit and healthy, but they are a bit of a push for me. I wanted something fairly sedate today and found one that looked as if it fitted the bill.
It was a nice walk with a nature hide at the end of it, and it wasn’t too far for us to get to. So we set off, found the car park, took a photo of the route on Mr WLBs iPhone for guidance, and began walking. As it was supposed to be sedate and easy – according to the online guide – I decided to leave my walking poles in the car…this was probably the first mistake. Actually, the first mistake was me believing that a ‘nice, sedate walk’ is a generic term that relates to me too!
As we rounded the corner I jokingly said, “I am not having this, it’s worse than yesterday’s climb.” This was in reference to a tiny little clamber we had to make. How silly I was to open my mouth. We followed the track we were supposed to, which veered off from the gravel one and turned into a woodchip path through the trees. Under normal weather conditions I am sure that this would be fine, but mix woodchip with the rain we have been having, and it had created bog-like conditions. I could hear Mr WLB mentioning being sucked off…I will leave that one there…only to say that my poor old walking shoes were indeed sucked off on a few occasions – leaving me standing on one leg trying to sort myself out.
Walking on a path like this was like walking through sand…so difficult. Add in the great fecking inclines that seemed to keep coming, and my mood was dropping rapidly. I threw a strop and sat on the one and only bench on the route. I quickly gave myself a mental kick though and carried on. Mr WLB tried to hold my hand – big mistake…when I am like that I just need leaving well alone…do not try and hold my hand, push me along, pull me along, or talk to me…all things he did today under the guise of being helpful and caring. You know what you can do with caring?…I will leave that to your imagination!
He also tried to reassure me that the hills wouldn’t be so bad on the rest of the loop…until I pointed out that this wasn’t a loop and that the hills we had just descended had to be re-climbed!
Eventually we reached the nature hide……which rewarded us with some amazing views…After a brief rest we headed back along the track…and here is one of the views we were treated to…I know full well why I felt the way I did…it is all to do with expectations.
Take yesterday for example. I expected it to be so hard – my stomach was filled with dread and I thought I would find it so bloody hard. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be…which made me feel like Superwoman. Today however, I thought I was going on a nice sedate leg stretch and it was anything but that. My mind was simply not geared up for the challenge ahead…which made me feel like a fraud.
Ahh – there it is again, the mention of the mind.
If your mind is not in the right place for whatever task you are trying to undertake, you won’t get very far!
I had underestimated my challenge and so felt pretty worthless at times…I felt that my fitness was poor, I was a waste of space, I was too fat to be out there thinking about Highland walks…all sorts of self harming thoughts were popping into my mind. If however I had geared up for a fight, then I could have bought my best to the table. I would have prepared – mentally and physically – for the challenge that lay ahead…and I would not have left my fecking walking poles in the boot of Freddie Freelander.
So even though I knew why I felt like I did, it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.
The highs of yesterday were overshadowed by today’s escapade. Mr WLB was telling me to get a grip…reminding me that this time last year I was still sofa-bound and not able to walk for a few minutes, let alone an hour of hill walking. He is right of course, but sometimes it doesn’t help to hear the obvious.
Once I was back at the car I was fine. I was safe, alive, well, still ticking over and happy to be in the warm. My mind started to put things into perspective and I was the ‘normal’ me again. People who know me well will be laughing now as there is no such thing as normal when it comes to me!
So after the event I was fine – my mind went back into rational mode and I could see what others can see.
But how many times do we allow ourselves to be caught up in the moment? We have one bad meal, feel like a failure and so raid the fridge and cupboards for more food to stuff down our mouths. We go to the gym, find the first session so tough that we never go back again. We start trying to lose weight, have a week when the scales don’t budge, and so throw the towel in.
In actual fact all of the above are things that ARE going to happen. So preparing for moments like this makes sense…just as preparing for a tough walk makes sense for me…but I still didn’t do it!
Doing something that is going to change your life is not going to be easy. There is nothing simple about changing habits that you have developed and clung on to for years. Losing weight is bloody hard. Deal with it. Prepare for it. And win!
You know that nothing worth having ever comes easy. You know that it takes time to build fitness levels. It takes time to drop a dress size. It takes time to shift weight. But it can be done if your mind is in the right place.
And just because your mind might not be in the right place right at this moment in time, it doesn’t mean that you can just think ‘sod it’…making tiny changes works. My tiny change today would have been to carry my walking poles…they obviously don’t fly me up the hills a la witches broomsticks (if only) but it would have made getting my sucked off shoes on a whole lot easier as I could have used them for balance! And this is what weight loss and life changes are about…preparing, having the right tools for the job, and doing it…and keeping going when your shoes are getting sucked off!
So my mood has been tough today. I have just been in ‘one of those’ and nothing seems to be snapping me out of it. The best line I have heard today – when posting about my mood on Facebook – was, “You can’t shit rainbows everyday”…that did put a smile on my face!
Other than my walk, and my musing about the mind and expectations, I have cleaned the cottage, repacked some of my suitcase with the things that we aren’t going to use – I am sure that I am not the only one who over-packs! I made a nice curry. I mooched and generally annoyed my other half. It has been one of those days when I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself.
That’s it folks – I have nothing more to say for myself today! Oh – I do…I am getting a little freaked out at all of the messages I see at this time of year which mention the words fast, cleanse, detox…your body needs food – good healthy food and decent amounts of it. And as for the detox and cleansing bit…did you not study biology at school? The internal organs take care of the cleansing and detoxing bits and are pretty bloody efficient at it too. In conjunction with preparing yourself mentally, make sure that you take a logical and sensible approach to the stuff you eat…if a ‘diet’ makes wonderful claims and promises about quick fixes and transformations, then it is probably a load of bullshit!
Breakfast: Scrambled omelette with cheesy toast (HEA and 2 x HEB).Lunch: Chicken tikka with Bombay roast potatoes and salad.Dinner: Beef rendang curry.Snacks: Fruit with Total Greek yogurt, two packets of French Fries (8 syns) and a mini Green & Blacks bar (4.5 syns).
A very tasty food day! Brekkie was fried onions, mushrooms, red pepper and green beans, with chopped lean bacon and two eggs thrown in…all scrambled and thrown on top of toast with Leerdaamer cheese…delicious. Lunch was just some of the leftover roast potatoes from last night, with chicken tikka and some salad. Dinner was a nice beef curry – beef, onions, spinach, tomatoes, pepper, baby sweetcorn, radishes, mushrooms, garlic, and rendang spices…all cooked in the oven on a low heat for about four hours. Mr WLB said it was the best meal he’s had so far this year!
Exercise: A bit of a hillier walk than intended!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx