“Don’t be pushed by your problems be lead by your dreams” Ralph Waldo Emmerson.
When I say push I mean don’t go trying to impersonate giving birth however in some ways the word rebirth can come into the equation. To be reborn into the person you want to be. To be the person you’ve only ever longed to be.
This evening a friend of mine sent me the quote you have just read and it got me thinking.
Immediately I decided to get off my backside and write a few things that came into my mind. Whilst reading that quote I started to reminisce about times where Epilepsy was indeed the problem and how as an individual I allowed myself to be dominated by a condition that I felt always took centre stage.
Whilst writing this part of tonight’s post I can feel myself welling up at the prospect of feeling alone and knowing that the feeling I once felt when this did happen frightened the living daylights out of me and made me wonder whether my life could be normal.
For those of you who aren’t aware I have worked since I was sixteen years of age. Unfortunately some of you may not have experienced being in employment because of your condition however I was repeatedly told from an early age that nothing was ever handed to you on a plate unless it was a gift of course and that as much as people don’t want to admit money does in fact make the world go round.
Without a little financial stability the hope of me having that independence would be a speck in the distance and I would never have the feeling of standing on my own two feet.
After taking my parent’s advice I allowed myself to go into the big wide world of adult life working every available shift I could even to the detriment of my own health prior to going into full time employment.
Up to a certain point in my lifetime Epilepsy to me was a burden, it was a pain in the arse and it was something even to this day has had an impact on my day to day duties. Without rattling off some of the physical concerns my worry was that any dream that I had to be happy wouldn’t be reachable because my condition wouldn’t allow that to happen.
At the age of 21 I was at a place that I didn’t particularly like. Although I was financially stable, now debt free and acknowledging my condition there was this sense of emptiness in me like I was scared of the little accomplishments I set myself in life not being achieved.
The worry of losing everything around me, the anxiousness whenever my shakes reared their ugly head and the disappointment of repeatedly going into therapy was a daunting prospect and one I hoped I would eventually accept.
Today I was asked by a few of my close followers what my greatest fears were. Today it’s safe to say that my fears are heights, clowns and growing approximately 12 eyes on my face and not being able to see out of any. Should all three come together i.e a clown bordering a plane wanting to touch these eyes then it’s safe to say that I would quite literally shit myself however that’s a different story altogether.
Up until I was 21 my greatest fear was having a grande mal seizure in public, being mugged for the little pennies I had on me and that fear of being alone unconscious and not capable of gaining any control.
Within two years of me working full time and gaining that element of independence my fear was to become a reality and one misty morning in February 2006 I would be boarding a crammed bus en route to work. Looking at my baby G watch showing 8:13am and whilst listening to the Stereophonics The bartender and the thief I would listen to the very first lyric ” What you think about it he’s watching every word you say” and then ironically nothing was said.
The nothing would result in my watch showing 9:25am a half a dozen people looking at me scared out of their wits, an elderly woman reassuring me that I would be ok and two male paramedics asking for my name. As I sat there I realised what had just happened. My Ipod mini was well and truly scratched, my bag was wide open and within minutes I knew something was up.
After patting myself down sore around the arms and blood dripping from my mouth I knew there and then that I had a grand mal seizure in front of a crowded bus and knew that although people were staring, others worried about my welfare and the remainder not giving a toss I started to not feel embarrassed but quite overwhelmed by the fact that in times of uncertainty my fear was tested and I was oblivious to stop it because my brain had other ideas mapped out for me. The only solace I had was that I quite literally stopped traffic! Get in! Bet the drivers were fuming!
After being driven off to my local hospital, my parents as concerned as they could be and my head pounding I started to come to terms with the fact that this is just a part of me. It was the day where although shaken that my endurance would be tested and that life had to go on whether seizures were a part of it or not.
Whilst writing this blog post the same feelings have come back to me ever so slightly only this time I know that the person who felt that emotional distress was a young woman with all the worries she put onto herself. This time eight years later that person still has the occasional worry only now it’s about things that are worth worrying about.
The word dream is a one that many associate with sleep as only in times of rest do we manage to soak up those dreams and drift off to a land that is outside of the doubt we have within ourselves from time to time. Just because you have a condition shouldn’t prevent you from having the dreams you want.
As I’ve said on numerous occasions Epilepsy can restrict you to a degree however if your mind is as stress free as it can be, you heart and mind are in sync with one another and the knowing that although you may not succeed the first time you have given it a go is something that you should be immensely proud of yourself for.
On a lighter note..
The new year was it a success? New year eve wasn’t for me because I fell asleep! Ha!
By 10pm I was in bed watching a DVD drifting off by 11 and not even batting my eye to watch the neighbours letting off the fireworks.
Apart from spending time with friends having a chinwag and enjoying a bottle of fine wine a couple of days previous my days were made up of work, work and more work. As old as I may sound give me a pizza, a dvd and a bottle of wine anyday over a rather expensive knees up on the town!
As for Benny well he was totally oblivious as to what new year was. In fact he too was snoozing upstairs for approximately six hours without a care in the world as cats do!
The exercise is going well and as for the food slowly but surely that’s all I’m going to say. There’s too much chocolate in this house to not have a nibble from time to time.. Everything in moderation though!
To conclude today’s post. Cut to the chase and do what’s right for you. Don’t allow anyone to get in your way. Be sensible but don’t be one of these people who talks about action but never takes it. Maybe I’m not the right person to say what I’ve just said as I too have had problems where I’ve followed and not lead however maybe 2014 may be the year for me to accept what’s happening around me and to embrace every opportunity to be happy.
We have enough problems in our lives with health issues to have any more. Let’s try and make 2014 what it ought to be happy and successful. Let the mini achievements take centre stage instead of the Epilepsy and let’s see how far we go!