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26Jan

“You are what you think, you are what you go for, you are what you do!” Bob Richard.

What a statement eh?

Gosh that quote didn’t half hit me hard when I read it and believe me I’ve read it plenty over the past 48 hours. Sent by one of my best friends this quote inspired me to write today’s post now I’ve eventually found the time to get it written.

Today’s blog is all about questioning and wondering whether we question ourselves excessively to the point where we are on a road to nowhere by thinking this way. My interpretation of the quote is about practicing what you preach, less talk more action and noticing the negativity sooner rather than later within yourself that at times can bring you down.

A question for you all. Have you all ever sat down after a rather productive week ever thought to yourself why am I feeling a tad dissatisfied? Why aren’t I pushing myself more? Is it because I’m unwell or is it something else?

Now many may question (including me) why I’m feeling this way. I could sit here and possibly put it down to having the good old common cold and having headaches towards the back end of the week however I don’t even think it’s that. What I think is that I’m at a stage in life where I have literally NOTHING to worry about.

My Epilepsy is relatively under control, my shakes aren’t as frequent, I have my moments however who doesn’t and the only thing I need to give a big heave ho is my diet and exercise regime. Other than that what’s actually the matter?

Is it because I’ve allowed myself to worry over the years that I’ve got into this train of thought or is it because I’ve had to exhaust every eventuality incase a seizure or a shake should arise so that I’m prepared for battle?

Now I’ve touched on this subject previously in which I’ve sat here questioning my thought process and analysed why I am a certain way.

Is it because of my anti epileptic drugs and the side effects they bring? Is it because I’ve had segments of my life where I’ve hidden behind my condition or is it because I’ve never given myself the opportunity to just be me because I’ve allowed my condition to be the prominent feature in all of this?

As a youngster I would sit there and worry to the point where I wouldn’t know who I was. I would sit there wondering whether friendships would stand the test of time, whether I was good enough, hoping my life wouldn’t fold around me and whether my parent’s relationship breakdown posed any relevance to this pattern I could see emerging.

After years of thinking this way it became a habit a habit that I couldn’t break and a one where I tried so desperately to resolve with little result. It’s safe to say I became my own worst enemy and instead of accepting that a problem was apparent for all to see I thought this way of thinking would miraculously resolve itself without me putting the effort in. Let’s just say it didn’t till the following happened:

As you are all aware my family and I are extremely close. We’ve had our moments however deep down I love my parents as they love me. Although I could throttle my parents repeatedly growing up they only ever had my best interest at heart and would give me the opportunity to make my own mistakes in life and to see that trust should not be readily used unless that trust is earned.

One day after a normal day at work I remember having a moderate shaking episode, smelling what I thought to be a potential aura and questioning whether a seizure would happen.

After asking my husband to make a phone call to my dad I remember sitting with him and having a blurred conversation about where my life was going and why I wasn’t happy. This was amongst the usual whiney Saz who in times of need constantly asked “Why is this happening to me? and “Why can’t my Epilepsy allow me to be happy”

Looking back and realising I was acting like a whingey child throwing her toys out the pram and not getting her own way I remember my dad feeling sorry for the shake but not feeling sorry for my attitude.

Thirty minutes in all I can remember is my father telling me quite calmly to “Snap it off and get a grip of yourself, it’s not your fault that you’re shaking but you can’t blame others for who you are and how you’re behaving right now. You’re the one preventing yourself from being happy so start being fucking happy Sarah”

Not getting the attention I thought I needed I sat upright shaking like crazy and instead of continuing with this petulant behaviour I stopped crying, focused on his voice and allowed the shake to take it’s course.

Looking back as harsh as that sounds to others reading he had a point. Why was I behaving the way I was when I couldn’t prevent the shake from coming? I couldn’t blame myself anymore because I was responsible for my behaviour therefore instead of just letting nature take it’s course I was lashing out knowing fine well it wouldn’t benefit me at all.

After having numerous conversations with my parents (my dad in particular) it dawned on me a few weeks ago that life is whatever makes you happy. My dad apologised for those words however by then I knew that I couldn’t continue going in the direction I was particularly when my shakes were involved therefore made the conscious decision to reduce my hours and to see if this made a difference. So far so good.

I knew in myself that my attitude was all wrong. I wasn’t being myself I wasn’t being the person people had a laugh with and was made to feel at ease around. I was behaving like an arsehole with a me me me attitude and unfortunately behaving in that manner gets you nowhere.

As for the remainder of the week..

Two words. Langley Castle. Need I say anymore?

For once I felt like a queen sitting on her throne in a gargantuan drawing room having quality cuisine with the one I love. As part of a Christmas present purchased by my dad and stepmam and didn’t we half lap it up! I loved every second of being there. Although only there for the one night the castle not only had history and hospitality but made me proud to be British.

Amongst oil paintings of the Kings and Queens of England, tapestries on the walls and the log fire burning here we were little old us having tea, coffee and scones feeling like royalty for the day. For those who have saw the pictures will see that I made a friend suited and booted in armour who shall be named Bert who stood upright at the bottom of the staircase. He didn’t look posh enough to be an Arthur!

As for the healthy eating and exercise. It started properly again yesterday.

After getting some inspirational advice from my pal across the pond I thought to hell with this there’s no excuse get back on that horse and get it done! To now I’m doing well… That and winning £33 on my football bets. I can hear the “Hallaluyah” song playing in the background as you read this because I never win. I’m like the unluckiest gambler ever.

This is how unlucky I am.

Once upon a time I worked for an office where 285 people worked. 250 Easter eggs were bought for the office’s Easter raffle. When it came to drawing the raffle I was one of the 35 people who didn’t get an egg! I mean come on how unlucky was that? Out of principle I didn’t show face however was well miffed and treat myself to a mars bar from the vending machine to console myself.

Anyhow to conclude today’s post…

I’ve come to the conclusion that life is all about materialistic things lording it over others to make you’re life look that little bit better it’s about having that fulfilment within yourself and knowing that life has a purpose. Unfortunately health complications can stand in your way from time to time however the remainder of your life is clasped in your own hands.

People come and go from your circle that once were the epitome of what you thought life was however as time progresses and experience gained you come to realise who you are drawn to, what you have in common with others and how some people are all about their own personal gain instead of walking alongside you.

It’s about appreciating the seizure free days, knowing that the majority of life is in your control, breaking loose from the aspects of life holding you back but ultimately being happy with yourself and not forgetting to give yourself that me time. We are what we do and we are who we want to be.

  

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