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5Feb

” Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing, it was here first”- Mark Twain.

I’ve chosen this quote above for a reason.

Many may deem this quote as controversial and maybe a post that many may not agree with however I’d like to think that each and every one of you reading understands that everyone goes through life struggles and everyone is entitled to an opinion.

Since writing Sazzle’s blog I’ve touched on many a subject and explained thoroughly how Epilepsy has made an impact on my life and how over the past year I’ve got a clearer understanding of how it effects yours.

Since being diagnosed I’ve watched my life go in a similar direction till I hit a certain age with the odd pothole that I’d fall into without any warning.

Everyone as they go through life has experiences that they wish to amend and if given the chance would prefer to go back and change however unfortunately you cannot change the past you can however try to ensure the same mistakes aren’t made again.

Like many conditions Epilepsy is a one that is extremely complex and one that over time has caused quite a stir because not everyone understands what Epilepsy is and how much of an effect it has not only on the life of the individual but the people closest to them supporting them throughout.

Overall it’s safe to say that Epilepsy is a condition that can be an absolute shitter causing not only confusion but frustration at the fact you have literally no control and can result in you feeling deflated on many occasion.

Over the years my emotional connection with Epilepsy has changed somewhat and as I’ve grown older I’ve grown to appreciate that although my problems are personal to me that there’s always someone worse off than you. I have therefore made the conscious decision that in times of deflation to try my hardest to get back on the horse and to carry on with life as normal because that’s what life’s all about.

If life didn’t have that element of complexity in it then life would be pretty boring. Under no circumstance am I saying that Epilepsy is something that I’m jumping up and down with happiness about however I’ve grown into the person I am trying to be and am noticing that Epilepsy is a part of me as it’s a part of you.

When I was younger I was taught that work, perseverance and respect were the three pivotal words to getting on in life.

It was about knowing within yourself that you’ve trying your hardest whatever the circumstance and that the world doesn’t owe you a living, you owe that to yourself. This is one thing about life that I don’t quite understand within certain people.

Whilst reading an article this week it dawned on me that society has changed so much over the years and that there are a vast amount of people out there that believe they are entitled to everything that the world has to offer without putting the effort and that incenses me.

I’m not saying that people aren’t allowed to have their say however there comes a stage in life where we have to take responsibility for our own actions and if we aren’t prepared to try then why should we be rewarded? Battles were never won without continued effort irrespective of knock backs.

Maybe I sound unreasonable for saying what I’ve just said however my parents didn’t bring me up with attitude therefore I can’t quite understand why others think this way.

When it came to my Epilepsy I had moments where I’d change into that person I’ve mentioned above and looking back it was childish and immature. Although at times I wanted to quit it would dawn on me that there are others out there who have nothing, who refuse to be defeated and who accept life for what it is.

Let me tell you a little story about a past memory and one that has stuck with me ever since.

When I was twelve I was taken into hospital after having a grand mal seizure. My arms and legs had the usual bruising from landing in my bedroom and although I was coming out of my seizure I was still a little disorientated. I did however manage to see what surrounded me.

Waiting to be seen by the doctor I sat in the children’s waiting room at A&E watching everyone around me.

Adults coming in drunk and saying that they needed to be seen urgently and causing sheer mayhem and then beside me there was a young boy (who must have been a couple of years younger than me at the time) hairless, frail and shaking uncontrollably. His mother had her arms around him to calm him down and from the conversation he was having with my mother it had come to light that he had cancer and was undergoing treatment.

The smile was evident on his face and although he was suffering he still cracked a smile and didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable by his appearance.

Compared to the drunken tosser blaring in the background he didn’t kick up any fuss, his mother remained relaxed and it was all this young boy had ever known. I remember sitting there thinking to myself that this child was so strong, his smile lit up the entire room and he waited patiently till he was called by the nurse.

In comparison the adult was the one who was childish, the one who wanted the world to owe him a living and the one who should have taken responsibility for his own actions instead of burdening everyone else with this tone. It put into perspective to me that your attitude is what defines you at the time.

When I was in my teens I felt like I wanted to tell the world to fuck off and leave me alone particularly when my seizures returned.

I wanted to shut my door and I didn’t want people to see my condition for what it was, for what it was turning me into when I was alone but the worst part was that that I was afraid and worried about being stigmatised because of my condition. I would tell people about my Epilepsy and smile however I didn’t want to burden the family with this. All I wanted to do was hope on the off chance I’d grow out of Epilepsy and never have to look back.

After long discussions with family members, friends and support groups I decided to give my head a shake and try my best to live life the way I could. I’m not whiter than white and I know it’s not as simple to change however you are allowed to be happy if you want to be.

As you are all aware I have been one of those people who at a specific stage of her life questioned beyond belief why I was the way I was. The answer to that is simple.

I was a young woman trying to find her feet with a condition that 65 million people now have and have to deal with on a daily basis. There’s no point in sugar coating it, beating myself up about it and arguing the toss with others because that’s the way it is and that’s who I am.

To me I’ve had a mind-set that the majority of the time things happen for a reason and that the plus point in all of this is whether you have been knocked down by illness or whether a certain situation has thrown you off guard and put you at a disadvantage the fact that you’re getting back up and refusing to stay down is something that you should commend yourself for. I’m proud of you for doing this therefore you should be too.

As for the rest of the week…

I’m not going to even talk about food because the sight of any food whether it be at home, work or outdoors is making me want to eat everything. Apart from the odd bar of less calorific goodness I’ve been eating healthily and watching my portion size.

Exercise wise the heat is on! The aim is to eventually wear lycra pants (solely in the comfort of my own home) and prance about like a younger version of Jane Fonda minus the ridiculous looking thong/leotardy thing over the top of her lycra pants. That part of the eighties can be left well alone.

As for the family Monday night was an epic evening of family time with the in laws, eating chicken dinners and scoffing a small piece of lemon meringue pie made courtesy of my mother in law who makes all her dishes with love and affection. Happy days all around.

To conclude today’s post.

We cannot change what we have however we can change who we are if we want to. The world is full of different personalities however there are ones who kick up a stink and there’s ones who like the example given earlier take life whatever circumstance is thrown their way. Attitude is key as is acceptance. Be proud of who you are and what you represent. Don’t be a second rate version of you be who you want to be.

  

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