…I want to get off…or I did earlier on today! 
I woke up this morning in one of those moods. One of those moods that everyone gets, but that I felt was unique to me…only I could feel this bad. Does that sounds familiar? One of those overly dramatic ‘poor me’ days that nobody else could possibly understand!
There have been a few of these recently, and I think it’s a side-effect of weight loss. The familiar tools and techniques I would have used to deal with such days, or even prevent the occurrence of them – McDonalds, Haagen Dazs, Cadburys, Ginsters – are no longer in use. So I have to take a different type of action.
Sitting and comforting myself with food didn’t work anyway. Whilst it would give me a fleeting moment of happiness, the guilt and weight gain and sense of uselessness would last a lot longer. Then of course I would seek out that moment of happiness again with yet more food…and so the vicious circle continued.
It was time to remind myself that the universe and everything in it was not out to get me. I chuckled actually, as I remembered a quote from Albert Ellis…“The universe doesn’t care about you; it’s not for or against you, it just doesn’t give a shit.”
The thing I have quickly come to realise about this weight loss is that you constantly have to top yourself up. Not with food, but with motivation and positive thinking. Just as you wouldn’t try driving thousands of miles on that initial tank of fuel, the reason that spurred you on to lose weight is not enough to keep you going on your weight loss journey. You need constant top-ups!
I often get asked how I stay motivated. To be honest, it’s quite hard work…especially on days like this…days when I would have driven to McDonalds in my PJs to buy two double sausage and egg McMuffin meals before even contemplating the day ahead.
So I will try and talk you through how I got motivated and stayed on track today…it’s not entirely pretty though!
First of all I tried to hide in bed. I thought that an extra moment or two wrapped up in my duvet dream world might help. It didn’t.
Then I got up and stomped downstairs and complained and moaned like a bitch – yes, you are very much entitled to feel sorry for Mr WLB…he needs the sympathy today!
I complained and moaned, and I complained and moaned a bit more. I then went off to make breakfast, and when I realised that I hadn’t yet replaced our broken breakfast dishes and that there wasn’t a clean one…I complained and moaned some more. I could have just washed a bowl and stopped whining and being a lazy cow…but I went for the complaining and moaning option. To the point that poor Mr WLB ended up making my breakfast!
I then decided that – as breakfast was later than usual – I wasn’t going to the gym. I shouted that I “…don’t want porridge sloshing around in my stomach when I work out!”…and so the only thing for it was to strop upstairs and hide in bed.
Please note – I did warn you that this was not a pretty day! 
Mr WLB came and tried to have a rational conversation with me. Any men out there are groaning in sympathy now…but also recognising his glaringly obvious error…you do NOT try and rationalise with a lady in a mood like this.
His attempt to console and comfort me had me stropping out of bed and downstairs again just to get away from him and his platitudes.
I had decided that I would go and take my frustrations out at the gym…poor gym equipment.
What I hadn’t considered was seeing my lovely personal trainer there. He usually sees the ‘good’ me, but today I wanted to destroy anyone who crossed my path. He survived our brief encounter though! The weird lady who stares didn’t though. I got on the treadmill next to her, only to have her look me up and down for an uncomfortable length of time…so I returned the favour and stared right back – looking her up and down just as she did me. Even catching her eye and staring at her eyes didn’t stop her. It was at this point that my day began getting better…as I realised that the universe may well have it in for other people and had already got to work on some of them!
The gym can be good and bad depending on my mood. I happened to walk in today and literally run smack-bang into one of the ladies who has a body that I admire…which is never a good self-esteem boost on a crap day. However, it might have just made me work that bit harder! I also had sympathetic smiles and an eye-roll from a chap who saw the lady stare-out session…I think he gets frustrated with her too and found my dose of similar medicine for her rather amusing. Then it just so happened that the youth football academy decided to take over the gym…teenage boys in love with themselves and their talent is not a great environment to be in…but leg pressing more than them is always a boost!
You have to take the rough with the smooth.
So once the gym workout was finished, I caught up briefly with my trainer and told him that I had woken in a foul mood. I couldn’t hand on heart tell you that the workout had made me feel amazing, but it certainly cleared my head – I was on the line between debt and credit, rather than being in the debt I had been!
It was at this point that I was in the rational zone again. So whenever I get stuck like that – in that place when I just will not listen to reason – I have to do something. For me, this is the gym work – or a trip to the horses in the bracing wind…something to clear my head. It could be meditation, it could be a chat with a friend who won’t indulge me in my mood, it could be as simple as beating the crap out of a pillow…anything to get me back to that even keel.
I was then able to articulate my bad mood. I think it stems from money issues. I am on my uni course with some lovely people – who have money – so to them, an extra course is no issue. My Masters work is due to start next month…I am currently finishing off the diploma before starting that. However, funds have run short and so I feel like I am jeopardising my future as I might not be able to start my Masters…which means the world to me as I really want to continue on this path towards helping others. They – the fellow uni people – also want to take extra courses, NLP stuff, that I would love to do, and am more than capable of doing…but money again is a factor. So I guess I don’t feel secure…and need a wealthy benefactor!
Addressing the fact that I don’t feel secure is a good step forward. I also want to become a foster carer, but need to get my house in order…and a leaky roof, electrics that need attention, and a boiler that has a mind of it’s own is also a concern. I suppose I feel that I have a lot to offer, but the dosh is holding me back.
The old me would have run for the junk food. Working out why I felt the way I did was one thing, but dealing with it is another. I am sure there is some saying about all roads leading to Rome…so I may end up taking a different path – which is scary – but hopefully I can still end up in a position to complete my studies and to foster and to help people. First of all though, I need to help myself!
So I am going to be using some of the tools I used to get me started – to top up my positivity tank! I am going to start my ‘ThreeBlessings’ again, I am going to commit to a meditation before sleeping each night, I am going to dig out my motivation scrap book, my list of why I want to lose weight…all of those things that I advise work, I am going to use again.
As I said, one initial dose of positivity is not enough. You have to keep topping it up. I have been lucky enough to speak with some pretty amazing business people in my time, and the one thing I learnt is that they never have all of the answers…so knowing that you need help, and getting that help, is crucial. So my little toolkit is going to be used again…just as it was intended to be used time and time again – but it’s been gathering dust for a while!
Today picked up nicely after the gym. We quickly checked on the horses, and then popped to Asda. I caught up with a lovely chap that I am supporting – he is in the same place that I was…40st+ and trying to lose weight without surgery – so I am giving him as much help and guidance as I can.
I then had a fabulous coaching session this evening with a really lovely lady – which turned into a good old chat after the ‘proper’ bit had been done! We had a good giggle and she found my reenactment of the staring match today rather amusing.
It was then home for dinner and I am hoping to watch another episode of ‘House of Cards’…I do love Kevin Spacey!
That’s it then. Not a pretty day. Not a particularly scientific or pretty approach to dealing with feelings…but there rarely is. It is tough and there are tantrums along the way…so for any of you who think I make it look easy, trust me – it isn’t!
Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).
Lunch: Mixed bean and chicken salad (2.5 syns).
Dinner: Mushroom and spinach omelette with toasted rolls (HEA and 2 x HEB).
A good food day. My usual porridge with banana to fuel my workout. I managed to rescue some green beans and tenderstem broccoli last night and used this in a salad today. I cheated and used two Asda ready prepared bean salads…a minty bean one (2.5 syns for the tub), and an edamame bean one without using the dressing in it, which meant that it was syn free, and mixed this all up with spinach and added chicken. It was lush…but there was a lot of it…so dinner was later and there was no room for snacks today. Dinner was a lovely omelette made by Mr WLB – mushrooms, red onion and spinach, with cheese and toasted wholemeal rolls, and some cherry tomatoes.
Exercise: 5 minutes treadmill, 60 minutes weights, 30 minutes elliptical machine…and a few minutes of a staring match!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
WeightLossBitch
On a health and fitness driven journey to lose over 32st / 448lbs / 203kgs – yes, it is a considerable amount – I am committed to losing my excess weight without the aid of weight loss surgery, diet pills, or quick fixes…as there aren’t any! Changing my eating habits and building up my fitness levels, along with addressing the ‘head issues’ will be crucial in order for me to achieve my goal. Living in England as a 31 year old super morbidly obese woman can be challenging to say the least. I have been shouted at in the street and verbally abused far too many times to mention; hence the name ‘Weight Loss Bitch’…the day I am just called a ‘bitch’ instead of a ‘fat bitch’ will be the day that I know I have cracked my weight loss! With many reasons to lose this weight I am documenting my journey for a number of reasons. Firstly, I would like to keep a record of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and the challenges I face with such an enormous task to tackle. Secondly, I would also like to inspire and encourage other people who are in a similar situation and to show them that significant amounts of weight can be lost naturally…with a bit of motivation, hard work, dedication and will power. Thirdly, all of the blogging, Facebook-ing, Tweet-ing, Pinterest-ing and YouTube-ing keeps me occupied and keeps my fingers out of the fridge!
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