Today has been looming for a while…today was the day that I had to go and have my lady parts inspected by the gynaecologist! I have PCOS and Endometrial Hyperplasia with cancerous cells and so have to get regular checks ‘down there’!
Last year these checks just happened to fall on the day of love and romance…Valentines Day. It was not the most pleasant experience for more than the obvious reasons.
I will briefly give you an overview of last years events, and compare and contrast with today.
Whenever I go and see this chap, I always wonder if I should spruce myself up ‘down there’ a little…maybe some rose oil or a little pink glitter, just to make it a bit prettier for him. Given that last year we met on the international day of romance, I was even considering going so far as getting a little music to play when I opened my legs – like some of the posher Valentines cards do, but I decided against that too. I mean, can you imagine if I’d have been pulled over by the Police for any reason and as I opened my legs to step out of the car, my tinkerbell started singing to them?! No, no, no, that just wouldn’t do!
I am probably going to reiterate something of what I wrote last year…so apologies to you if you read it and have a good memory. Although quite why you would want to remember details of my gynae appointment…
This is a process that I don’t think any lady ever looks forward to. In my case it is something that I have to admit to dreading even though, when it’s all over and done with, I do walk out wondering what the hell I worked myself up so much for. I can’t really put this delicately, so please forgive me, but when you weigh over 43st finding your own lady parts can be a bit of a mission! So letting someone else, a stranger, take a look ‘down there’ can be daunting.
First of all you have that mad panic of cleaning and carrying out the hygiene tasks before the appointment – does it look okay, does it smell okay, does it look like a beaver that’s been run over?!
Secondly, you have the journey to the appointment and the wait in the overly hot and sweaty waiting room. In my case I go to the hospital and have to sit with numerous ladies who are all complaining about the time it’s taking to be seen. This means that I get stressed out and all hot and bothered – and not in a good way.
Thirdly, I have to have an internal scan before I see my chap…now these are fairly straightforward and the lady is normally in and out before I’ve got my trousers fully down! The only off putting thing about this is that the ‘wand’ they use looks rather like a toy microphone that my niece and nephew have…and as they were waving it around and singing into the other day, I had visions of the nurse and her assistant doing the same after my scan…not a nice thought for either party really!
Phew, so once all this is over, I then get called in to see the lovely consultant – a rather handsome chap who has no idea about personal space. Really, I understand that he looks at ladies nether regions all day long, but does he have to sit with his knees between my legs when he is talking to me? If I move backwards, he shifts forwards, so much so that his nose almost ends up touching mine! Regardless, he is a lovely guy and calls me his favourite patient…although I’m sure I could not possibly be!
Once we’ve had our little chat, he then utters the dreaded words, “Okay then, just pop in there and take your trousers off and hop on the bed.” Now again, referring to my size, there isn’t much hopping going on…apart from when I am trying to get my trousers off and balance on one leg without falling over! But still, I oblige and then lie there whilst him and his assistant strap on their potholing gear, complete with head torches. As I lie there, mortified and staring the ceiling, I wonder how many people of my size put up with the indignity of having their legs opened and different bits of flesh held out of the way?! Perhaps this is why I am his favourite patient…maybe the old saying “once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” (as I was once told by a nurse during a smear test!) isn’t true! Maybe me and my lady parts are something unusual, unique and interesting for him?!
Anyway, once he has completed his examination, including taking samples – which sounds fine, but involves bits of flesh being removed…without anaesthetic – I am off on my merry way. I know this is incredibly wrong of me, but I always wonder if he’s a vegetarian…I somehow can’t imagine him tucking into a roast beef dinner after his tough day at work!
Given that I have lost nearly 19st since the last time I saw him, I was – in a weird way – looking forward to seeing him again!
However, the events of last years appointment were playing on my mind…here is a brief outline of 14th February 2013…
Why did I think that it was going to run smoothly? My 1.45pm appointment was the first of his clinic, so I thought I’d be in and out quicker than he would be during his examination…how wrong I was! For a start he was running over an hour late, then I was told I couldn’t have a scan as they weren’t allowed to use the ‘big girls’ scan bed – so that would mean a scan another day and a further appointment on a different day. This was the point at which I threw my toys out of the pram, as I’d been there for over two hours and had mentioned the scan to the receptionist when I signed in. I was then taken to see my consultant, who threw a wobbly on my behalf and got us use of the bed…at 4.45pm. I was then told I had to wait until all of the other patients had been seen…so my 1.45pm appointment became a 6.45pm appointment. When I eventually saw him, he was pleased about the weight loss, said my condition symptoms were decreasing and advised that I come off the medication for a trail period, and kindly agreed to do me a smear test whilst he was down there! So I went to get ready, only to discover that the new leggings I put on this morning – and own two successful pairs of – had split along the seams from my crotch to the waistband up the crack of my bum! And I hadn’t worn pants in order to make the process a little smoother…tripping over my knickers and knocking myself out was a worry. Mortified doesn’t quite describe it and, although I had worn a longer top, I wondered how many others had gotten a look at my chuff on this delightful Valentines day?! I remembered leaning over the reception desk – which meant my arse was pointing into the waiting crowd – and feeling a breeze, but thought nothing of it…I have to wonder if there is one of ‘those’ pictures on Facebook of my chuff in leggings…a warning to fellow fatties never to wear them?! Anyway, I got on with getting on the couch, whilst he announced to the nurses that I was his favourite patient and that I let him take biopsies without anaesthetic (he’s never offered it…I just thought I was being a wimp!) but he then goes on to tell them that although I’m great, I sweat a lot! Now, this isn’t the Valentines day charmer I had imagined…no roses, no chocolates…just an extra long speculum and insults! And yes, I was sweating like a pig…it was really hot in the waiting room, I was stressed out, I had three people looking at my lady parts and a high intensity lamp down there…it felt like my vagina was on trial for crimes I wasn’t aware of! Once the deeds were done, and another appointment in twelve months confirmed, I backed out of the room – as I didn’t want him seeing my bum cheeks…although given what he’d just seen, I imagine they would have been a welcome relief – and headed home. That was my 2013 experience.
So you understand why I felt a little apprehensive today. I did not want events to repeat themselves…and had double-checked the seams of my leggings!
The first hurdle I faced today was getting past a rowing couple and her mother…it ended in fisticuffs and, from what I could gather, the mother didn’t like the father of her grandchild and the mum of the baby couldn’t decided who to side with. All of this played out in the doorway of the gynae and ‘baby’ place with a full audience and included a witness who seemed to be about three years old. It was incredibly undignified…but is pretty representative of my home town unfortunately!
I had called ahead a few days ago concerning the ‘big girls’ scan bed. I had been assured that it would be fine for us to use it. However, when I arrived I was quizzed by three people over my weight and told that I could now use the ‘normal’ bed…so an NSV of sorts I guess. I must admit that it was a lot flimsier than the other one and I had worries of flattening it…so being told to relax was an interesting moment. The scan went well and I was told that all looked good…’good’ would not be my choice of words whilst sitting at the splayed-leg end of the action!
So I was then to wait to see the man himself. I waited, and I waited…and eventually got in over an hour after I was supposed to see him. His first words were, “Gosh, there is so much less of you than there was last year!”…I think I love him just a tiny bit!
We chatted about my weight loss and he asked lots of questions. I told him that I felt Kylie in my head but that I was well aware I didn’t look like her…at which point my chewing gum shot out of my mouth. Yes…I had another chewing gum related incident – I really must stop chomping on it during stressful situations. He dealt with that rather well – considering his job, I guess a flying bit of chewing gum is the least of his worries.
He went on to explain that my scan results were excellent and that he will see me again next year and then look at discharging me from the service – yipee! I am going to stay on my reduced medication – which I had to go back on due to contraction-like cramping (according to him…it is exactly like contraction pain) which I had put up with for three weeks until grabbing the pills again.
Apparently these pills are very well known for water retention and he thinks that this might be the issue with my legs. And so I said, “Oooh, I might end up looking like Kylie after all then?!”, to which he replied, “If you do that, I will buy you the hot pants!” Bless him…that kind of sounds like a headline in The Sun…’My gynaecologist offered to buy me hot pants’…he is a great guy though and I knew that he really wanted me to lose weight, and continue to do so. He said that not many people end up doing what I have done…so I feel quite good today. And even better than that, I didn’t need a biopsy so I had worked myself up for nothing!
So that’s it then folks – my ‘too much information’ blog post is almost finished for the day!
I woke up and grabbed brekkie before heading off to the pool for Aquafit. It wasn’t a great session really. I had forgotten to pack my swim shoes and have an incredibly strong dislike of walking barefoot on changing room floors…so I kind of hopped from clean tile to clean tile in order to get to the pool.
Then there were lots of activities on for half term, which meant that we had a tiny area to jump around in, and that the floor of the pool could not be lowered as the kids needed to touch the floor! So it was waist high water for a while…and I was pretty peeved and made these feelings known! They seem to forget about paying members when the kids are on holiday and it irritates the heck out of me…I can’t go and run around a playbarn during term-time…so they can feck off out of our pool! What a grumpy cow?!
Then the showers were out of order, which is not what you want when your parts are due an MOT, so I elbowed a granny out of the way of the only working shower.
The hospital appointment pretty much took up the rest of the day, and I popped in to see my niece and nephew afterwards.
A night of TV awaits. I have given up reading the Tony Robbins book I had started…it’s hard going. He can come across as being a bit too idealistic, dramatic and rah-rah – I really enjoy some of his speaking, so I will watch instead of read…he does harp on about the visual, audio and kinaesthetic…so maybe his books don’t hit my VAK-spot!
Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).Lunch: Jacket potato with beans and cottage cheese.Dinner: Veggie cheese bake with roasted sweet potato (2 x HEA and 6 syns for extra cheese).Snacks: Cherries and Total Greek yogurt with Ryvita and dark chocolate (4 syns and 2 x HEB).An okay food day. Back to my Green plan for a few days. It was a bit of a hectic day, so I grabbed my fuel before Aquafit and then had planned on seeing the potato man for lunch. Mr WLB has man-flu and sent me an email this morning which said, “Here is a list of foods packed with vitamin C. Can you ensure that you include them in my food today?” He is getting brave. I almost sent a reply…even though we were sat in the same room…but I looked at his list and planned a vitamin C packed dinner. Sprouts, broccoli and cauliflower were all on the list, so it was a cheesy veggie bake with some antioxidant-packed sweet potato and roasted red onions. My snack was a weird one. I had forgotten my HEBs and had nothing in other than Ryvitas. So I crushed some up with my usual sweet treat…and it was lovely! The Ryvita seemed to soak up the juices from the cherries and so it was a healthy version of a trifle.
Exercise: 60 minutes of Aquafit and swimming.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx