You might have met me. You might have seen me at one of the Slimming World talks I have done, or go to my group. You might swim with me. You might have attended one of my little WLB gatherings.
You might be a coaching client of mine. You might be a horsey friend of mine. You might chat with me via Skype. You could well be a member of my rather crazy but brilliant family!
And if you are one of these people, then I adore you. You have helped to restore my confidence in myself and encouraged me to get out there and share my story. You haven’t judged me…or at least if you have, I am not aware of it!
I often get comments regarding my anonymity. “When can I see a picture of you?”, or “I would love to know your name!”, or “Where do you live?”, or “Which Slimming World group do you go to?” It makes me smile…most of the time – but sometimes, just sometimes, it pisses me off.
When I was arm-twisted by Mr WLB into creating this blog, I was in an extremely bad place. I hadn’t really begun my climb away from rock-bottom. I had no idea what the future had in store for me. I was still convinced that I needed weight loss surgery to save my life. I felt pretty bloody worthless.
I guess I knew that writing my thoughts and feelings down would help. I needed to deal with these emotions that I was experiencing…overwhelming emotions which left me feeling that the only escape from them was via food.
Getting me to start writing was a mission for Mr WLB. He kept telling me how great he thought it would be. I didn’t share his sentiments. Yet one night he made me an omelette and the rest, as ‘they’ say, is history!
The only caveat for me was that I remain anonymous. I was scared of public opinion. This week alone I have read at least seven stories of incredible and life-changing weight loss…yet you still get people who cannot recognise the achievement – they focus on the “Well, they shouldn’t have gotten so fat in the first place!”, or the “Great – another story about someone who was so greedy that they couldn’t control themselves…how about a story about someone who didn’t get fat for a change?!”, or “Hmmm…I am a size 12 and there is no way that they can be a size 12 now…they look huge compared to me!”, or the much-loved “They might have lost some weight, but they look so gaunt…and think of that loose skin…I bet they will want that sorted on the NHS!”
For goodness sake people – how about celebrating the success and the life-changing achievement?
So forgive me for being a little apprehensive about public opinion…and for wanting to remain anonymous.
I also had incredibly low self-esteem at the time I started writing – I have always been fairly ballsy but my situation had diminished this, and I was scared to behave like this in the public domain due to my looks. I am not going to harp on about judgement again tonight…other than to say that I would have been undoubtedly judged on my appearance. I wanted my voice to be heard for a change…rather than a fixation on what I looked like. I was not in a place where I could have taken knocks to my confidence. I would not have been able to deal with it…and would likely have turned straight back to my food for comfort.
Embarrassment played a huge part too. I have to wonder if you would have been happy to have stuck a photograph of yourself up on the Internet for all to see…weighing 43st 5.5lbs! How fecking confident and brave are you?! Seriously though, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that despite my loving and supportive upbringing, and my wonderful relationship with Mr WLB, I had chosen this route for myself and had reached the size that I did. My poor choices led to a near-death situation for me. I compromised my life, my career, my home environment, my health, my relationship, my future…I did not want to be judged on that. I was my own harshest critic and so would have undoubtedly agreed with any negativity thrown my way…how on earth can you rebuild your self-esteem and work on creating a positive environment for your mind if you do this?
There was also the fact that I knew I had some ‘stuff’ to deal with that would be pretty deep, dark and personal at times – and I am not referring solely to my gynaecology post here! I felt that, had I not created a moniker, I would have censored myself…perhaps subconsciously…but I would have been in a position where I would be compromising my true thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to embarrass those who know me, or offend them. So I created an environment in which I could be totally honest – with myself more than anything.
Plus, I can use the ‘C-word’ that is hated by most without fear of being labeled as a ‘potty-mouth’…although to be fair, being a fecking potty-mouth really was, and still is, the least of my worries…despite this afternoons furore on Facebook!
I didn’t know it then, but my honesty seems to really help people. I get so many messages praising me for my honesty. I get a few criticising me for it…but I am not going to change for the few anally retentive that might happen to stumble across my blog and miss it’s point entirely! I was worried what people would think…the vast majority support it – to the point that when I finally shed my anonymity, I will not give a damn about those who have an issue with it…as I could retort with numerous examples (anonymous of course!) of my honesty helping and supporting others. If me putting it out there helps, then this is great – it seems to have helped others realise that they are not alone with crazy thoughts or behaviours. We have pretty much all done the McDonalds DriveThru thing of pretending to be on the ‘phone to someone and ordering a meal for them, and one for ourselves, when nobody is on the ‘phone and both meals are for you to eat!
There is also the fact that me choosing to remain anonymous is none of your fecking business! There is no longer a deep-seated issue surrounding my lack of pictures…I simply want to focus on my journey without judgement or the attention that pictures bring.Go ahead and pyscho-analyse me if you like…but I know my reasons and they are of no concern to anyone but me…even though I have shared them here tonight!
I will continue to do my thing. There is no chance of me shedding this cloak of anonymity for a long while. The blog is great…but I do get a lot of media interest in my story…and I don’t want to share this yet. I have no desire to see my fecking arse plastered all over the newspapers or Internet with a picture of me sitting next to a buffet spread of beige food resembling my ‘before’ eating. I still have so much work to do and I am not letting anything or anyone throw me off-track. So the media stuff can wait…as can you.
If you want to meet me, then make contact with me. Book a Skype coaching session with me. Come to one of the WLB events that I very occasionally hold. But please don’t expect me to post pictures of myself online…it’s not happening!
So – the usuals…today has been an okay day – a bit ‘meh’ at times. I had been looking forward to a lazy morning…but my neighbour and their yappy fecking dog had other ideas at 6.30am! I was not impressed. This dog woke my dog up, who then started mooching around and wouldn’t settle. This woke Mr WLB up…and my dreams of a morning of rest were well and truly shattered!
We went to see the horses – but the custodian was there – so we just quickly topped the water up and left before he could accost us over some minor misdemeanour or other that we are entirely unaware of! I have just added this little line…he has since emailed me to say that the fencing – his fencing that he put up – has come down again and could I sort it ASAP – argh! It was then off to Asda for supplies. I cooked brunch, and then settled down to prepare my recipes and quotes for the week for Facebook…three hours later I was finally finished!
Mr WLB cleaned the kitchen whilst watching the football. This is our pact – he cleans, I cook – it seems like a fair trade to me…and I can shove him in the kitchen with the football on his iPad and I don’t have to listen to it.
I then settled down to write this as we are heading off to another comedy gig tonight and so I have no idea what time we will be home.
Brunch: A cooked brekkie – scrambled eggs, Quorn sausages, turkey rashers, and fried mushrooms, onions, spinach and cherry tomatoes (3 syns…the sausages are 1 syn each).Dinner: Smoked salmon scrambled eggs (2 x HEA and 2 x HEB).Snacks: Rice cakes (12 syns) and fruit with Greek yogurt.A good food day. I do love a nice Sunday cooked brekkie…although I was miffed that Asda had none of the syn free Linda Mc sausages…and had to use syns on bloody Quorn ones as they didn’t have the syn free version of those either…come on Asda – get it sorted! So I cooked the sausages and the turkey rashers in the oven, scrambled the eggs in the microwave, and fried the onion, mushrooms, tomatoes and spinach in FryLight. Dinner was a simple affair before heading out – toasted wholemeal rolls topped with spinach and cheese, then the salmon scrambled eggs on top of that, with cherry tomatoes on the side. My fruit is for later when I get home, and I have saved some of the rice cakes too incase I am really hungry!
Exercise: None – a blissful rest day…sort of.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx