I wanted to write about our experience in the hope that I may be able
to help others, to try to communicate to the world how it feels to lose a child and most importantly to keep my little boys memory alive.
I am already mummy to 2 beautiful girls, news that we were expecting our third little bundle of joy was very excitedly received, especially as he was due to arrive on Christmas Day.
However it wasn’t as I had dreamed things would be;
Our beautiful son Flynn James was born on the 24th November 2013, 5 weeks early and by emergency c-section. No one knew that our little boy was going to be poorly, be fragile and during his delivery they broke his femur and clavicle. We didn’t get to see him, hear him or touch him, immediately after his birth he was taken to Basingstoke Neonatal unit where they worked hard to get Flynn through his first night – from this moment on our lives have changed forever.
We were told Flynn was very poorly, the list of ‘concerns’ seemed endless. The doctors at Basingstoke agreed we should be transferred to the Southampton Neonatal Intensive Care Unit less than 24 hours after Flynn was born. Little did we know the unit would become our second home, our safe place, for the next 12 days.
The NICU is a scary place at first, full of machines, alarms, wires and babies in incubators. My initial reaction was that I wanted to unplug Flynn from all his monitors and walk out of there, not being able to hold our little boy and comfort him like a mother should was really difficult. The lights seemed too bright for his tiny eyes and the noise of different alarms was so intense. It was then we were introduced to the doctors and nurses who were caring for our son, doing the very best they could. These amazing people, who gave us strength when we felt we couldn’t cope, who helped us learn to become the parents we wanted to be for Flynn, who listened when we needed an ear or quietly left when we needed time, were our angels.
After nearly a week we were told that little Flynn had a chromosome abnormality known as Trisomy 18, or Edwards syndrome. We knew very early on that our little boy was not going to live for very long. The nurses and doctors at Southampton helped us in every way to ensure we got to care for Flynn and hold him as much as we could.
There are no words to say how grateful I am that they allowed us to be mummy and daddy to our little boy when he needed us the most.
Flynn was only 2 weeks old when he died (on 8th December 2013), before we had the chance to make it home with him. My heart is still broken. My head is full of questions and I cannot stand the days sometimes. My arms feel empty and I want nothing more than to hold him and smell him just once more. Our little girls bring us endless joy though, don’t get me wrong. I want to continue being the best mummy I can be for all my children. In Flynn’s legacy I will be strong and constantly show love to my children. I believe much more in angels than I ever did.
This is the beginning of my blogs covering those unspoken things which can happen during pregnancy, from chromosome abnormalities, routine tests, information for mums and grief – this is my journey so far.