Those who have read my blog or Twitter recently will know that I came off my medication a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, things headed south quite quickly and as a result, I am now taking risperidone. I’m still gutted by this; I don’t like medication and absolutely hate the side effects but I also hate feeling the way I am now. Plus, I’m only on a low dose (2mg) of risperidone so hopefully I won’t get side effects. It feels like a negative thing to be back on meds but I’m desperately trying to tell myself that a low dose is no big deal.
I’ve been in a pretty bad place the last two weeks or so, I tried to hide it until the Easter weekend was over but I didn’t do a very good job. When I did finally tell my mum, she’d known for a week that I’d been struggling. The last few days have been quite tough too, today is the first time in I’m not sure how long that I’ve sat in the lounge with the curtains open. This morning was the first time I saw daylight since Thursday.
I’ve one of my support workers to thank for that. She came round this morning to see me but I wasn’t up to it at all. However, she persisted and eventually I agreed to open the curtains and sit in the conservatory. As I say, it was the first daylight I’d seen since Thursday and it felt so good. My mood has lifted a bit and I’m now sitting here with the curtains still open. I’m grateful for all three of my support workers as I get on with them well and feel like I can tell them anything. I usually see someone three times a week (this week it’s only twice) and it’s done me a world of good.
I’m yet to see my CPN since things have been bad; I see her this Wednesday. I’m really nervous about it as I’m not sure what she’s going to say. There’s no way I’m going back into hospital and as I don’t believe I’m section-able, I keep telling myself that the appointment is going to be OK. I’m not a danger to anyone, myself included, so I can’t see how anyone would section me. It’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
On a cheerier note, I was interviewed by the Sunday Express the week before last about the weight gain side effect of antipsychotic medication. I was supposed to hear last week about the piece and although I’m still waiting to hear back, I do believe the piece is going ahead. It may be this Sunday that the piece goes live; I checked yesterday’s Express and it wasn’t in that.
Also, I was contacted a while ago by a production company wanting to interview me about a possible place on a Channel 4 documentary. I didn’t hear from them for ages so I assumed that it was a no, but this morning they phoned me again. I’m going to Skype with them shortly about the documentary. I’m still not sure if I want to go through with it, after all, if I do, that’s my semi-anonymity gone. (For those who didn’t know, Katy Gray isn’t actually my real name.) But I do want to take part in it, to try and do a bit of stigma-bashing and possibly open up more chances to help reduce stigma. I’ll see how the Skype goes and report back.
So that’s how things are at the moment. I’m struggling with writing at the moment, I’ve had really bad writer’s block for months now. But I’ll try and keep writing updates on my blog as that’s something at least.
Bye for now!
Katy Gray
I started suffering with the symptoms of schizophrenia at the age of 18, but it wasn't until I was 21 before I was diagnosed. My diagnosis was recently updated to paranoid schizophrenia, but I refuse to be known by a label. I am a person first and my illness last. I am always trying to break the stigma that surrounds mental health, schizophrenia in particular, and write as much as I can to try and achieve this.
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