This is a subject that I have written about before…
My love of fashion – Vivienne Westwood in particular – has been a sort of secret for some time. When you are wearing XXXXXXXXL t-shirts and jogging bottoms from a shop designed for men, conjuring up hope of ever wearing nice clothes is a bit of a mission.
I would read magazines and things like the Next catalogue that I found at my sisters house, just wishing…wishing that I could wear something ‘normal’ for once. If you click the link at the beginning of this blog post, you can read about some of my fashion wishes. For now, I am having a mini meltdown about my current wardrobe situation…not past or future issues!
You would think that going from 43st 5.5lbs down to 23st 12lbs would open up a whole new world of possibilities in the wardrobe department. It doesn’t! Well it doesn’t feel as if it does.
As mentioned above, I was in size 8XL clothes at one point. Before giving up work to focus on my health, I really struggled to find clothes that fitted – ‘Sixteen47′ items were becoming a little snug…and although I rocked the ‘Vicar of Dibley’ look for a while, it really wasn’t what I wanted to be wearing!
My wardrobe had various items from Sixteen47, SimplyBe, Evans, and other random plus-sized offerings from men’s online stores. I cleared my wardrobe out before Christmas and was excited to try on some of the clothes that I thought would fit. Some were even too big – it was a great day! So I eBay’d and charity shopped and had a clear out.
This week is a busy one. I have five local Slimming World talks, a couple of face to face coaching sessions to run, and I am having a new wardrobe crisis. I want to look nice when I visit people…and I am struggling to find anything suitable!
My usual ensemble is a burgundy t-shirt – of which I bought three as I was pleased that they fitted at the time – paired with black leggings – of which I have loads of pairs…some with straggly Lycra bits hanging off them and the odd hole around the crotch region. That’s it. That is my outfit day in, day out. I go to the gym in this outfit, I go to Asda in this outfit, I go to Pilates in this outfit, I visit the horses in this outfit, and I visit family in this outfit. I did have a sparkly Christmas jumper from Angel Ribbons that I wore to the theatre…but when I wore it to a Slimming World talk I almost fainted as I got so hot in it!
Now, I am doing myself a disservice here…I do have a couple of shirts that I dug out of the wardrobe that fit – a nice red pinstripe, a black pinstripe, and some patterned thing that I bought because it was one of the only tops in stock in my size at the time. I also have a couple of pairs of jeggings (jean leggings for the male readers!) and they fit now too.
My problem isn’t so much my size – which I don’t really quite know what that is…I would guess at a 30/32 – it’s my shape.
I am blessed with my Dads boobs, an elephants arse, and the stomach of a walrus. Seriously! This is not negative self-talk – this is reality…kind of! Using the word ‘curvy’ to describe myself is like using the word ‘horrible’ to describe a serial killer…it’s a huge fecking understatement!
If I was being generous I would say that I am shaped like a Teletubby. I have small shoulders and boobs, and I get bigger as I go further down my body. I carry a lot of weight around my stomach, and my legs are very big too – there may be an issue with lipoedema there…but I will worry about that at another time! I also have a weird second set of boob-like ‘things’ underneath my boobs which are bigger than my real boobs. I seriously cannot wait to see the look on the face of the skin surgeon who has to sort me out eventually!
Despite these flaws, I still bloody love myself! I am so thankful to my body for sticking with me – so thankful that I wrote it a letter in fact! So I don’t want anyone getting on my case about how I describe my body – I love me…I am just not that in love with trying to dress it appropriately at the moment.
Given that I have always been overweight, fashion is a thing that has eluded me. I have always chosen what fits as opposed to what I wanted. This is still the case, and I am okay with that for now.
I have to give serious credit to Mr WLB. He knows how to handle the dreaded question about clothes. I never ask, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ – A: because I know my arse looks massive regardless, and B: because I quite like a big bum…just not one quite as big as mine! This morning I asked him what he thought of my planned outfit for my Slimming World talks tomorrow evening. I had decided upon ditching the black leggings and going for dark blue jeggings with my red pinstripe shirt.
He rather tactfully said that it looked fine. I knew that this meant that he had more to say…and so I waited. He then went on to say that he thinks it is a good idea for me to keep wearing longer tops to hide my tummy. I agree. He pulled my shirt down – back and front – and gave me the seal of approval.
However, there is a fine line when it comes to the length of tops too. Too long and it drowns me, making me look bigger than I am – and as I have worked so fecking hard to look smaller…bigger is not the look I am aiming for unless I was baking a cake! Too short and it shows off my stomach. Now just trust me when I say that this is not a stomach to show off. I am not a fat-hater – and if you want to rock a bikini then you bloody well go for it…I do not want my jiggle a wiggling just yet though…or ever…unless the jiggle comes from my planned surgically enhanced boobs!
I am also having an issue with footwear. I have well over sixty pairs of shoes. Not many of them fit. My feet are wide and fat, and my ankles – maybe due to lipoedema, maybe due to some medication for my cancerous cells, maybe just because I have fecked my body up – are huge…so the lovely boots I have in my wardrobe are a no-no. At one point all I could fit my feet into were Crocs…they are getting better and I have pumps and trainers…but they have to be EEE-fitting and so that restricts me too.
My biggest frustration I guess is with myself. When I hit 33st-something in my mid-20s I was not this shape. I had ankles, I was able to wear nice boots. So now that I am lighter than this I think I had an expectation that I would be a similar shape…and I can’t blame age-related sag as I am only 32…but I have to blame my huge weight-related sag…and this is what upsets me, as I did this to myself.
I guess my frustration stems from the fact that I had made peace with the fact that Kylie-esque hot pants, or a Lara Croft vest and combat short combo was never going to adorn this body of mine. I really had made peace with the fact that my childhood dreams of just being able to wear what everyone else did – although I don’t think Kylie or Angelina could be described as ‘everyone else’! – was never going to happen. So I fixated upon cropped jeans and killer heels. Manalo Blahniks or a pair of Christian Louboutins were, still are, on my hit-list. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that this dream might never happen now.
So I guess that’s it. I need to persuade Gok Wan to work his magic on me when I reach target…hell, sod target – I need advice now! I have never tried clothes on with friends and critiqued a ‘look’…I avoided discussions about clothes as I was too embarrassed that Top Shop was never a haunt of mine. I didn’t want any of them wondering what clothes size I was. I haven’t got any idea of what looks good on me – functional and comfortable was my only concern for many years. My wardrobe meltdown is not all that bad I guess. It’s just unchartered territory. So if I look at the positives…I have plenty to look forward to in terms of shopping in the future…I just need to earn some money to pay for it all!
The good members of the Slimming World groups this week will have to make do with my jeggings and pinstripe combo I think. Meanwhile, at all other times I am sticking with my leggings and over-sized t-shirts – even though my niece keeps telling me that they look like a tent on me…and PJs…I do love my PJs!
Other than my wardrobe meltdown, today has been fairly sedate. I have been cooking and doing a bit of washing. The horses were okay. We popped to the shops. I planned my next couple of uni assignments. The big news of the day is that Mr WLB had a meltdown all of his own…a gadget meltdown. He decided to get all organised yesterday. He cleaned the office and had planned on working from there instead of the sofa. He got his MacBook and cleaned it. He put it in the office along with fresh clothes for work. He even got up earlier than usual. And then I heard him. His MacBook cleaning had not really gone according to plan. He had forgotten to turn it off to clean it. He had scrambled up the keys and ended up with Chinese or something on there. He spent over three hours re-installing stuff – ‘stuff’…I don’t know much about this kind of thing – only to find that it wasn’t as perfect as he likes it. So his planned day of work went out the window and he’s been a grouch all day. I am trying to stay quiet but was so tempted to serve his dinner with chopsticks!
Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).
A gorgeous food day today! Brekkie was the usual banana porridge. Lunch was grilled veggies – red onion, peppers, and courgettes – with grilled chicken and pittas stuffed with cheese. Dinner was lovely! I cooked off the chicken with some garlic, chilli flakes, madras powder, and tomato purée before adding onions, a tin of chopped tomatoes, mushrooms, aubergine, and spinach…I just cooked it slowly and it tasted amazing.
Exercise: Not much…my gym mini-break and cold have seen me turn into a lazy mare!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx