When things get too much for me to handle, I do this thing called “survival mode.” I stop thinking, I stop feeling, and just do. I’ve been told time and time again that it isn’t a healthy way to cope with being chronically ill, but sometimes it is the only way I know how to cope, because sometimes things are just truly too much to handle.
For the past few weeks, I have been in full out survival mode. Part of me believes that if I don’t acknowledge that I am sick, then I won’t feel sick. It may sound stupid, but it works, I can push through and trick my body into surviving even when I feel terrible. If I can look like I don’t feel sick, and convince everyone else that I am fine, maybe I will be fine.
I got through the last part of the semester this way. My long term boyfriend and I had broken up and the TPN was not putting me into remission, needless to say, I was not having the best semester of my life. I just shut off my emotions and decided to ignore any feelings that came my way. Now this may not be a good talent to have, but it definitely can come in handy.
Being the 5 year old that I truly am at heart, I couldn’t help, but relate my life to my current favorite Disney movie “Frozen.” In particular one line of Elsa’s song stuck in my head, “conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know.” That is how I felt summed up in a Disney lyric. I had to conceal how I felt from both myself and everyone else in order to pretend it wasn’t happening and I convince myself that I was okay.
I stopped writing because I was concealing how I was feeling, but I have finally began to feel again, so I might as well start writing again. I apologize for not writing for so long, but I think I just needed to be numb for a while. But for now it’s back to feeling the pain of illness in my not so normal life.