Some days are better than others…this has been a not so good day!
I am sure the fact that I am back home and not in the wonderful Scottish Highlands has something to do with it. The pictures and videos that were taken of me whilst I was in the wonderful Scottish Highlands have a LOT to do with it.
Last night I sat and watched a few video clips of me partaking in archery, rifle shooting, and tomahawk throwing. What was fantastic about these videos is that I was actually out there getting stuck in. At 43st 5.5lbs I couldn’t stand up for more than a few seconds…yet I was outside for over 3 hours and most of that was spent on my feet. So this is amazing and I am so, so pleased about being able to do this kind of thing.
However, the pictures really upset me. I went to bed a little quiet and depressed and woke up this morning feeling the same – I ended up crying in bloody Asda car park today about it in frustration…and sobbing about how nobody going in to the shops has to give as much thought to their food as I do Which of course is bloody stupid, as how the heck do I know what they have to do!
On the one hand there is the fact that I have shifted over 20st…on the other hand there is the fact that I look not really human.
Now, given that I looked horrendous at my biggest – all swollen up and all uncomfortable-looking, I am probably not in a position to complain. Also, the fact that I reached that size – albeit never planned – should mean that I am happy with my lot now. What can I expect?
But I am just all sagging south. I have small shoulders and upper body, and then I just get huge…with misshapen legs – which could be due to lipoedema but I won’t know until I shift more weight. When I have PJs on my stomach kind of swings around. Seeing myself in leggings made me question why the feck I wear the unforgiving things…my legs just look terrible.
There is a picture of me – which I will share with you at some point in time – sitting outside the green fishy hut in Oban. It looks like two different people. My face is kind of normal – recently described as ‘thin’! – and my shoulders are small…but then I just have this crazy huge body from my waist down.
It’s a bit upsetting.
So I had my tantrum and complained about the injustice of it all…and then got on with my day. What else is there to do? I absolutely cannot give in and go back to my old ways of eating. The body that I had then was killing me…whereas this one is allowing me to live. Flipping heck, I managed 30 minutes on the rowing machine the other day…30 seconds would have killed me at my biggest…so those misshapen legs are helping me out right now!
Yes, it is shite that I look the way I do. But I still love ‘me’ and what I represent. I still respect my body for all that it has been through with me, and for all that it has put up with. I am just not that keen on the look of it all. I do look in the mirror…full length…naked at times. So I am not deluded. It’s just that my mind feels so amazingly strong and focused that I think I trick myself – now this will sound silly, and I am not sure if there is a reverse body dysmorphic disorder – but if there is, then I think I have a form of it. I often wander along the street now, or walk through a shop, and think that I look like everyone else…but I don’t…I really don’t. I see people looking at me, but because my head is in a great place, I don’t think for one minute that they are thinking anything horrid…but they may well be.
I will take that over feeling how I did before though. Worrying about what people thought – so much so that I isolated myself from friends and family and would only leave the house to see my horses.
It’s a tough situation. I obviously want to keep going with this weight loss – and I will keep going. And although I know that I bought it upon myself, I can’t help but feeling that it’s like getting a kick in the balls after already having had one…I have been in a really shitty place – I almost died due to my excessive weight…and now that I am working so hard to deal with it, my reward is this body.
But do you know what – I wouldn’t trade it. I would not trade it for what I had become. I am just focusing on what may be…as hard as that is at times.
Onwards and downwards…I know one thing though – I am not going near a pair of fecking jodhpurs for a while yet!
In order to boost my mood I am utilising some of my coaching techniques on myself. I am also looking for my ‘three blessings’ – which today have been 1 – brushing my horses in the field…because I now can due to working hard and shifting my weight; 2 – chatting this afternoon with a client who has ‘graduated’…because she has been given the tools to go it alone via our work together; and 3 – lighting my candle that my consultant made for me…because I have shifted 20st!
So I am going to head off for the night and watch an episode of Person of Interest I think…the intelligent violence (if there is such a thing!) will cheer me up…I can imagine myself at target kicking ass!
An okay food day. I didn’t give in to my sad, food-craving mood – so that’s always good! Brekkie was just grabbed before heading to see the horses. Lunch was in honour of the seafood I have been eating lots of recently…just smoked salmon trimmings with scrambled eggs, on top of cheese, with some superfree. Dinner was nice. Smoked bacon and Linda Mc sausages, with tomatoes, mushrooms, courgette, onions, garlic, and herbs. My snacks were lovely today…good to be back home with the Nakd bars!
Exercise: Not much today!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx