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28May

“You have to get up every morning and tell yourself I can do this”- Anon.

Too true. This is the thing.

We all have those days where we feel demotivated like we cannot be arsed to get out of bed to face the day. There’s that feeling where you want to throw the duvet over your head and get up when you decide to get up however unfortunately time waits for no man, woman or child therefore we have to find that oomph from somewhere to face the day and beat the mind-set.

Lately I have been extremely busy hence the not blogging. Whether it be work, house renovations, birthdays or time spent with loved ones my time has been taken up in what we would all know as life.

Although it’s been hectic and the majority of it has been perfectly fine there’s this element of me that feels like I’ve lost the motivation. Apart from my exercise regime (that I’ll discuss later on) my mind’s been all over the shop and a little word called “insecurity” on occasion rears it’s head particularly when I’m shaking.

Just under two weeks ago I had a shaking episode  while at home watching a film with my husband. It was like there was two of me, another personality telling me to quit and the stronger side of me forcing me to remain strong and to realise that in time the shake will pass.

When it comes to my shaking episodes it becomes the norm when they’re happening but in the grand scheme of things i’s not as simple as that, it doesn’t actually get any easier, it still knocks the wind out of your sails and you’re still battling that fear of what will happen next. It’s not as bad as it used to be but I know it’s still there.

To me there’s been many occasion where I’ve just wanted to say “Fuck this shit for a laugh I’m done, I cannot be bothered with this anymore” however I know this won’t achieve anything.

Over the years I have always wondered why people come out with the saying “I can’t do this” or “I’m this way because my mother, father, auntie, uncle, sister, brother whatever was this way therefore I’m the same as them” however this couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact I was one of those people until I went to cognitive behavioural therapy and could see that I didn’t have to think this way. If life was so bad then only I could change it.

I could utilise the assistance in front of me whether it be talking to relatives or receiving advice from an Epilepsy support group however when all’s said and done this change had to come from me because it was my life no one else’s and the same rules apply with you.

Obviously we develop similarities from the ones we love whether it be the same fashion sense, music, traits as such (In my case inheriting a little OCD from my gran when it comes to organisation) however you are you.

You don’t have to be anyone else , just be yourself because it is by far the most attractive thing to be you. It may not feel that way at times because of your condition however you can do this if you want to. You can change if you deem it necessary and you can grow as much as you feel is right for you.

Growing up with Epilepsy can cause a mixture of emotions.

Many may disagree however it can feel at times like Epilepsy is a hindrance because you can never quite anticipate how your day’s going to go, whether you’re going to have to rest when you’re having such a marvellous time or whether you have to cancel plans to accommodate a condition out of your control. It can feel like the whole world at times is caving in and you have literally no say as to how you’re supposed to feel or behave for that matter.

It can be tiring both physically and emotionally and can feel like you want to shut the door and leave Epilepsy outside.

This was always a struggle for me because to me there was an element of control with every aspect of my life excluding my Epilepsy.

Thinking back I could control who entered my life, who left it and my will to persevere however it could all be knocked down with a three minute grande mal seizure or a two hour shaking episode that would alter my personality and change my opinion on life at the drop of a hat. Let’s just say it was a bag of emotions and I never quite knew how to handle what choice I was to select from that bag.

Next week I will be 29 years of age and as I approach the end of my twenties I think to myself of the obstacles I’ve had to face since being diagnosed 21 years ago. I delve into the connection my parents had with my condition and the feeling of the ones around me who have chosen to make me feel like Saz and not just the girl who just so happens to have Epilepsy.

It then gets me thinking about the millions of people across the world with the same condition again wondering how to cope with their condition and what they can do to remain upbeat and to life their life to their full potential.

The admiration I have for each and every one of you with Epilepsy will remain at the peak of me writing Sazzle’s blog and makes me want to channel my feelings towards Epilepsy to raise awareness and make you see that you can do this.

I think my perception of Epilepsy has changed somewhat over the years.

I had always been a worrier and to a degree still have the odd moment where my mind will drift resulting in me wondering what I’ve done wrong and if I could have done anything differently to prevent certain scenarios from happening. I’m hoping in time this feeling will diminish however I’m not going to worry about it because that is just who I am; doing what I can to be a better person but ultimately a happier person.

In the next breath as I reach this new age I think to myself that you deserve to be respected, your opinions are your own and you have your own life to lead whether you have Epilepsy or not. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have the people around you that are going to uplift you not bring you down.

Since childhood my close family members would repeatedly say that I couldn’t please everybody all of the time because we all have different personalities, characteristics and what pleases one won’t necessarily please another. There comes a stage where stigma whether it be towards Epilepsy or not can still in today’s society be rife because people don’t understand what you go through however on the flip side we don’t know what they go through either.

On a lighter note..

The healthy eating is getting there. Obviously chocolate has made an appearance however I have been pushing myself with Shaun T’s T25.

I’m on week 4 day 3 and putting it bluntly it’s fucking killing me!

I have flat feet and either my body isn’t used to the push I’m giving it or I’m wearing the wrong trainers. I desperately need some new trainers and I truly hope that if I continue to drop as many hints as I’m currently doing with the family that they’ll take pity on my flat feet and bless me with some Nike Trainers.. specifically for plyometric training. Woo hoo!

For those who aren’t aware I have what my cousin would call Syjoe bob feet. If you watch The Simpsons you’ll know who this character is, if not google him. One hint.. he’s got crazy hair a bit like me of a morning.

They are without doubt the most unattractive thing and can cause me quite a bit of pain. The only good thing about my feet is come summer time I can put a bit of sparkly polish on my toes to bling them up a bit and to disguise the fact that I can spread all five toes like a duck. They’re not pretty but I suppose you’ve got to make the best with what you’ve got. Oh dear.

To conclude today’s post. Don’t beat yourself up. If you’ve had a bad day one day tell yourself that this won’t continue. You have a life to lead, people who love you for you. Everybody can be a force to be reckoned with however do things in your time, at your speed and realise that you can be happy. It may not feel that way now but trust me it will.

 

 

 

 

 

  

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