I had an interesting conversation the other day that got me thinking about why I reached 43st 5.5lbs.
It centred around the fact that I had never really had to deal with what I felt was a proper challenge.
There were the usual life challenges you face when you grow up – I was bullied at primary school and went through a bit of a tough time. Eventually, I ended up punching a boy square in the face – in view of a teacher who knew that this boy bullied me – and nothing happened…well, something did happen – he stopped bullying me…but I don’t condone nor advocate violence! I made friends with another bully…and just accepted at an early age that some people were dickheads devoid of all social skills…as became clear when I tried to have deep and meaningful conversations with my former bully…well, as deep and meaningful as you can be at 9 years old!
Then along came secondary school with warnings from my Dad that life could be tough. I was going from top-dog to bottom of the pile again. But this was fine – I fell in with the in-crowd and all was well.
Then there were the tough moments in life when grandparents and elderly relatives start passing away.
And then my parents thankfully divorced…they really should never have been together in the first place – and if it weren’t for getting pregnant with me, then I doubt that they would have. Don’t worry…I don’t blame myself – my parents can take responsibility for their own feck-ups!
I never really tried hard with anything. I got great grades, was in the top groups for all subjects apart from maths…I was in the second out of six groups…maths isn’t a strong-point, and I skipped school a fair bit yet still managed to come away with very decent grades – without revising.
Then came the world of work. I shunned A-levels as I had no idea what I wanted to do. I landed in sales roles, then recruitment, and then in the world of HR, leadership, and development. I got pretty much every job that I applied for, if I didn’t like something at work then I would just go and get a new job…which meant more money, a better job title, and a bigger company car!
I sailed through my PgDip and my first Masters without too much trouble…despite warnings of my social life ending as soon as I undertook these studies. In fact, it began when I started these courses, and I bought and sold two houses, and had numerous promotions during this time too.
I never really faced or dealt with what I would consider a major challenge.
So with all of this in mind…did I get so fat in order to deal with a really big fecking challenge?
The simple answer is ‘I don’t know’. I cannot imagine quite why I would want this kind of challenge…it’s a bit of a fecking silly one isn’t it really? Why anyone would want to reach the size I reached is beyond me. I spent a lot of time soul-searching and trying to work out what was wrong with me…why did I let myself reach that size…why didn’t I do something about it sooner.
Is it worth wasting time discovering the ‘why’? Or is it more important just to focus on taking action and making improvements?
Re-reading the above, I just sound lazy I suppose. Not really ever trying with anything…or maybe nothing came along that I really wanted to try for.
The soul-searching will continue. I try and avoid focussing on the ‘why’ and try to remain action-oriented…but sometimes I just can’t help but wonder whether knowing that elusive why would help. I am not sure that it would. Think about it for a second – if someone handed you an envelope containing a letter that detailed why you have ended up where you have, would it make any difference at all? It wouldn’t change your situation…you would still be ‘here’. It’s the action that makes the difference.
I am still sat here shaking my head at the thought that I might possibly have created this challenge for myself. If I did, it wasn’t ever a planned or conscious choice, that’s for fecking sure. A planned and conscious challenge would have been to bag myself a millionaire, or better still, to make my own millions! As it is, I have less money than ever before…but am happier than ever before!
So today has been okay. I have been waking up really early so the days feel so bloody long at the moment. It was PT day and I was hoping for some boxing…and I got my wish! I then went and groomed the horses and did some mounting block training with my two boys…and gave them lots of fuss and attention. I have had a quiet afternoon – a catch up with my coach, and a catch up with a rather special lady from Scotland – and I am now going to relax. I am taking my nephew to see Peppa Pig tomorrow…so I need my rest for that onslaught!
Breakfast: Banana and boiled eggs.
An okay food day. Nothing special really…although my usual brekkie was followed by a rather fruity lunch. I fancied peanut butter and banana, so I had it. I warmed up a couple of pittas, added the peanut butter, chopped some bananas, apple, and strawberries, and threw in a few grapes too. Dinner was supposed to be cheesy chips…but I decided to mash a load of veggies with the potato instead. I had broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans with it.
Exercise: An elliptical machine warm-up followed by 60 minutes PT!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx