As I was driving Mr WLB to the doctors this morning, I was wondering what changes losing weight has made to my mood.
So I asked him, ‘Do you think I am less angry now that I have lost some weight?’
‘Hmmm…not really, no!’, was his response after he gave it some thought.
‘Really? You don’t think I am less angry now?’ I asked again, somewhat incredulously.
Then, a car pulled out in front of me. ‘You stupid fecking *%#!, what the feck are you doing you %#^*? If you are going to pull out on me, at least do it fecking quickly and don’t interrupt my fecking journey you %#^!.’
It was just after uttering these words that Mr WLB and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.
For those of you that don’t mind a swear word – the modesty saving symbols above were replacing the words ‘twat’, ‘cunt’ and ‘cock’!
So I have to concur that my anger issues haven’t yet been resolved. Then again, if you are being honest with yourself, I bet an expletive or two (or three in my case…actually, if I count the ‘fecks’ then that should be seven!) slip out if you get pulled out on by an incredibly slow and journey hindering plonker.
Seriously though, losing weight HAS made changes to my personality. I am less angry in a way…less angry with the world and less angry and frustrated with myself. I have to admit that I have a quick temper though. My bark is far worse than my bite. I tend to have an outburst and then it’s done with and forgotten – I don’t hold onto things now, which I guess is part of the recovery process when it comes to dealing with an eating disorder and weight issues…you have to find a way of addressing the emotions there and then rather than letting them fester, or trying to solve them by stuffing food down your neck. For me, it just means that I probably use the word feck a little more often than I used to. I would far rather be healthy and swear occasionally though than be fat and on my deathbed with perfect etiquette!
Although these changes to my personality were hard to see whilst at my Slimming World group today…as I sat in the back corner on my own, sulking.
1lb off. Which is fine…it’s better than 1lb on as those annoying arseholes say to you, when it’s extremely clear that you’re not happy!
Which means that I have lost a grand total of 20st 11lbs. I still want to shift 11st 3.5lbs…and at this rate, I will be at target in June 2017. This is the frustrating bit.
Now it’s definitely not about the race to the finish. It absolutely IS about a lifestyle change. So I try desperately to focus on the things I can do now that I couldn’t do then…and the fact that I am off my diabetes medication…and can touch my own toes…and reach my own bum without a display of contortionism!
One of the big issues that I still need to overcome is that of listening to people in group who talk about how awful their food-week has been, yet lose 3lbs. They could be saying their week has been awful as a protection mechanism I suppose. Something along the lines of trying to convince us that their week was bad, so that if they don’t get a loss, they feel justified. However, I would far rather people were just honest. I guess we all have a tendency to focus on the negative…I am doing it…I have lost nearly 21st for fecks sake and I am not happy!
It’s not that I am not happy, it’s just that this week has felt like a real effort. Much more than the past few months have. I have been hot and sweaty and not wanting to go and workout to get even hotter and sweatier. I have been desperately trying to nourish and fill Mr WLB up with the most amazing smelling smoothies full of nuts, honey, bananas, oats, and almond milk…the smell of them was so tempting, but I stayed on track. I have seen people eating cakes, crisps, takeaways…and I have stayed on track. I guess I just wanted a little bit more of a boost than 1lb.
To coin another annoying phrase that people use, nothing worth having comes easy. And it genuinely doesn’t. You have to work your arse (happy, Jessica?!) off to get what you want. There is no such thing as a fluke. There is no such thing as a quick fix. It takes time, it takes effort…but it’s worth it.
So in order to deal with my grumpy arsed angry bird mood, I went to the gym. I caught up with my trainer and decided that a mega weights workout was in order, and so I cracked on with that. Apparently, I can move to the Olympic bar soon…exciting…or it would be if I had any idea what an Olympic bar is!
It was then that I caught sight of the most perfect looking woman. Seriously. She was everything I would love to be. Then again, I didn’t speak to her. She could have been a dickhead. She could have the most crazy issues and shite in her life. She could have been an arrogant or ignorant madam. She could have been amazingly lovely. She could be the most selfless person in the world who would have been happy to chat to me. But I didn’t talk to her…I just envied from afar…judging without having any idea! I was just looking at her arse and wishing that mine looked like hers. Although her arse on my body would have been a strange combo…so I would have settled for her whole body!
For me though, it was another lesson today that focusing on me and my journey was the most important and helpful thing that I can do for myself. There is no point comparing my week with anyone else’s, or my body with anyone else’s…we are so different.
Anyway, this afternoon was fun. I went to see the kids and ended up playing in the garden with the bikes, and then just chilling out with them. I offered to babysit whilst my sister and her hubby headed off to a new Slimming World group – ‘hello’ to all of the members there…it is a fab group of people! And now I have to grab a shower and get ready for my final assessment at uni tomorrow!
Breakfast: Banana, nectarine, and boiled eggs.
A delicious food day. My usual brekkie was followed by my favourite lunch…no superfree with that though today. Dinner was my wonderful – or Asda’s wonderful – meatfree burgers. I made some Cajun sweet potato wedges to go with it, and had a bit of salad too.
Exercise: 5 minutes treadmill, 65 minutes weights, 5 minutes treadmill, and stretching.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx