I have done something today that may make or break a really important friendship.
Some years ago, when I was at the beginning of my career – long before I met Mr WLB – I spoke to a chap on the phone and we ‘clicked’. He is Scottish – and I love a Scottish accent – so we got chatting about the Highlands and ended up becoming firm friends and having a giggle.
He would tell me all of his woes…and I would do the same – sort of.
However, a couple of times in the early days he mentioned ‘fat’ things and didn’t really speak very highly of those of the rotund variety. Not thinking that I would ever meet him, or even continue our conversations, I never mentioned that I was one of them!
As it turned out, we did carry on speaking and I ended up recruiting people for his company…but we never met. We continued our telephone chats and he often asked me to meet up for a coffee, but I always declined. I guess I was embarrassed about the fact that I hadn’t told him I was fat. I didn’t want him to meet me and think ‘feck!’ It was never a ‘relationship’ thing…he’s over 20 years older than me and I obviously have my Mr WLB whom I wouldn’t swap for the world…we just clicked and it would have been great to meet up.
I supported him through a divorce and redundancy and life issues…and he supported me too. Then he moved to France and has often said that I should head over there and stay with him and his partner.
I have obviously declined.
We chatted on Skype…I lied and said that my camera on it was broken.
So today I decided to get honest with possibly the last remaining friend in my life who doesn’t know the true story – the fact that I reached 43st 5.5lbs and am battling like a demon to get my life back.
This is what I wrote to him…
‘First of all – how the bloody hell are you?! I haven’t spoken to you in such a long time!
Secondly, I have a pretty huge confession to make – in more ways than one.
Now, as you read this you may or may not be shocked. Given your nature, you probably sussed me out a long time ago and it might not be news to you. But this is a massive deal for me as I worry that you won’t want to speak to me again.
You are my dearest friend – and I genuinely mean that. But I kept something from you for such a long time and I think only fair to share it with you – especially as I am overcoming this problem and have had press interest already…at some point my name and photos will be out there, and I don’t want you having a coronary!
I was majorly fat – hugely fat in fact – American sized take the house down fat.
When we first started speaking, I was overweight, but nothing dramatic compared to where I ended up. There were a couple of times that you made reference to fat people in our early conversations and I though, ‘Fuck, I’d best keep quiet about my size then!’, as I loved talking to you…you were a breath of fresh air.
We kept in touch and I kept getting fatter. I developed a major eating disorder and almost killed myself. My eating habits caused me to have cancerous cells and type 2 diabetes…so it was pretty serious.
Thankfully, I have cured these things though now!
My work situation with my shitty old boss pushed me to my limits…I ended up reaching 43st 5.5lbs. I worked right up until I was 41st and thankfully the contracts we hoped to win at work weren’t won…which mean I could ask for redundancy and it was granted.
So I decided to take back control and focus on my health.
The doctors told me that I would die by the time I was 35 if I didn’t have weight loss surgery. But I have proved the buggers wrong…I have lost my weight through diet and exercise alone.
I have so far shifted 20st 11lbs…and it’s been fecking hard. I could have done with keeping in closer contact with you to spur me on actually…but I was so embarrassed about how I let myself get I suppose. I lost contact with a lot of friends and have, over the past year, been reconnecting with them and letting them know my situation etc.
Life is bloody good now – I am happier than ever before but have less than ever before…no fecking money – although I am working as a coach and that is building nicely and I am doing some public speaking appearances. I write an anonymous blog and have over 16000 people following my journey on Facebook and they are a marvellous support and seem to love what I do and how I do it…so there have been offers of book deals, TV appearances etc…quite scary really!
I workout at the gym with a trainer four times a week – he had to stop me going every day as I was pushing myself too much. Yesterday I did an hour on the rowing machine – on the highest level – and almost reached 11km rowed. Today, I have been lifting weights and almost killing myself to get better!
So that’s it. I would have loved to meet you long before now, but hid away. So if you fancy a proper Skype session – face to face – then let’s do it.
Whatever you decide, just remember that I think you are fucking marvellous and love you to bits you old goat! :-)’
I pressed ‘send’ really quickly without reading it. As I read it now, it all sounds a bit garbled…like I am trying to justify myself in a sense. I have no idea how you tell someone that you have been living a lie almost.
So there we go. I really hope that he is the kind of person I believe him to be…and that this won’t be an issue. I would genuinely love to meet him. But if he feels that my lies are too much, then that is something I will deal with…it is what it is! I suppose I enjoyed being able to chat to someone who wasn’t focussed on my weight…it was quite freeing in a way.
Phew – what an emotional day.
The rest of it has been okay. I had a lovely coaching session this morning. My client has made so much progress in just 5 sessions…but wants a couple more to ensure that everything is ‘cemented’ in a way. I had a huge smile on my face throughout the call as she just sounds like a different person. Then I headed to my training session. Bloody hell – that was a tough one. I ended up dead-lifting 50kg on an Olympic bar. I was doing squats, good mornings, clean and press work…all sorts of weight related moves. I felt like bloody Lara Croft. I am focussing on weights with my trainer and trying to stick with cardio in between sessions…although if I have had a tough day and need to relieve stress, there is nothing like leg-pressing 200kg or dead-lifting to make your hulk side come out. I feel so good after these sessions! Then I headed to grab some food and see the horses. I quickly popped in to see my niece and nephew too. My sister has bought one of those rebounder things, so they were both jumping up and down on that. My nephew makes me smile…he always asks if he can go to the gym with me – he’s three – so I have showed him some little moves to do and he shows me every time I see him…telling me that he has to do his ‘exercises’ – bless him. Then I came home, had an argument with Mr WLB about him forgetting my dinner food items, and he went out to get the forgotten items. He also came home with this lot…
…and I couldn’t stay mad for long! He’s still a plonker though…we write a shopping list and inevitably it’s always my food which gets forgotten! And the cactus plants are because I am shite at keeping plants alive…he knows me so well!
Anyway, I am now on a mission to relax. I am off to meditate and read a little more of my compassionate mindfulness book…and have Pilates to look forward to tomorrow.
UPDATE: 10 minutes after posting this, I had an email back – to paraphrase…’you could have been a million stones, it wouldn’t have mattered to me’ – I can go to bed happy now!
Breakfast: Banana, boiled eggs, and cold tomato soup.
An okay food day today! Brekkie was the usual with the addition of a cold bowl of tomato soup…it was lovely and I needed it to fuel my PT session. Lunch was spinach and different green bits with green pepper, tomatoes, and an edamame bean salad with feta and balsamic vinegar. Dinner was Quorn fillets – over cooked and like rocks! – with veggies cooked in stock…so I didn’t need gravy. And my snacks were nuts for my HEB options, and Nakd bars.
Exercise: 5 minute elliptical warm-up and a 60 minute weights PT session.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx