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25Jun

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”-Neale Donald Walsch.

Life is a word that throws up so many scenarios on a daily basis to the point where we can lose sight of our train of thought and can on occasion question our own ability to succeed with the simplest things that life has to offer. Comfort on the other hand is another thing that can fall into this category.

We can associate comfort with the support our loves ones provide however when comfort becomes too comfortable then feelings can emerge where we wonder whether we are able to cope as individuals or whether we become heavily reliant on the people offering that comfort.

With me I was like that with my seizures. I relied heavily on my parents to the point where I didn’t want them to leave me.

It become the same old practice where I’d be careful, then I’d go into denial, then I’d cry, then I’d be worrying for days on end about everything and nothing. To be honest when the seizures left this pattern never disappeared it became normal to me.

Throughout Sazzle’s blog I’ve stressed the emphasis of support and how having the right support network around you can be beneficial. To this day I’m still hell bent on having the correct people around you, the people who you can turn to for advice, the people who are prepared to offer the advice without scrutiny and the one’s when the going gets tough are prepared to make you smile when you feel like the world is caving in. It’s about give and take it’s not solely about the taking.

Although these qualities are beneficial to aid our negativity towards our condition there is sometimes that overwhelming feeling that you can’t cope on your own and that without that support you’re sure enough to fail.

With me I was a nightmare particularly when it came to criticism more so with my family.

I hated the idea of people criticising me that would then result in me biting. I wanted them to take my advice but when the shoe was on the other foot then all hell would break loose. This was me then. This was me when I was in my late teens.

As I’ve grown older I’ve drawn the conclusion that if you’re prepared to dish it then you have to be prepared to get the same back.  Not everyone thinks like you, everyone is different. Again with me this was a comfort factor an element of control that would backfire. I used to do this mainly with my Epilepsy because in their eyes they couldn’t quite comprehend what I was going through.

Over the past few years I’ve been at battle with myself; albeit it a battle where I can see light at the end of the tunnel the questions that have arisen as to whether I can leave the past where it ought to be, the uncertainty as to whether I can accept Epilepsy for what it is and the wondering whether as a person I can overcome the insecurities I once had has been what I would consider to be a rather large learning experience for me.

To be able to trust the right people has become a question that has always remained a question until now .

To me I have my insecurities the majority I have already explained on Sazzle’s blog however some that have remained tight lipped and have made me wonder why I cannot become an open book and just get it all out there to make myself better.

Maybe this is where comfort comes in; maybe it was the fear that again people just wouldn’t understand.

To not be able to release the doubt is something I have became comfortable with again until now.

Those who know me will know me as being a flamboyant woman who comes out with the most ridiculous things and who forgets what’s she’s just said moments after she’s just said them however there have been moments where the doubt has crept in and the fear of my insecurities returning along with my seizures is one that has caused me immense pressure and something I’ve chosen to push to one side.

As I sit here writing this blog post I remember what it was pre diagnosis, diagnosis itself and the aftermath; all of which has had it’s highs and lows.

Compared to others reading this many may think that in comparison to them it’s been a relatively smooth walk in the park for me however with me it was the psychological aspect of Epilepsy that has been the bitterest pill to swallow. To erase Epilepsy from my life was something I was adamant I could do only to fall every time. Instead of acceptance I chose negativity and in doing so would end up damaging my own recovery.

Without that negativity I didn’t know how to cope much to the dismay of my parents who tried their utmost to help.

To rely on them for comfort is something that children are renowned for doing however there was a part of me who didn’t want to give all of me out of fear of being hurt, being disappointed but most importantly being the person to kick myself in the arse for giving too much away only to be damaged in the process.

To me I’m a person who offers advice, who will offer an honest opinion and doesn’t like to be the person calling the shots on other people’s lives. That to be isn’t my cup of tea.

Of course we all have moments where we are allowed to have an opinion however in my eyes your life is your own and under no circumstance should you ever feel pressured to accommodate anyone else because they tell you to. Irrespective of having a condition you are allowed to be an individual like anyone else.

On the basis you’re not acting like a complete and utter prick then you call the shots, you determine who you want on your path to recovery and who will be the correct people to walk with you on that journey.

Growing up there were moments where I felt belittled by people who I thought I was comfortable with. It’s only now twenty years on that I can see that life is too short to be worrying about the past, it’s also too short to allow that same element to become the key factor of your future. Coping with any condition can be complex in itself without the unnecessary worry therefore release the comfort and do what makes you fulfilled and gives you that feeling of wanting more for yourself.

In June of this year I became 29 years of age. As I became that number I looked at it as more than a number. I looked at it as a  pivotal part of me. I knew the following year I would be 30 and that instead of living the same old same old day in day out that I would try to find out who Saz actually was and to live the life I want for myself not the life that others want for me.

I’ve made changes for the better yes however this year isn’t solely about putting too much expectation on myself but to just be me.

No I may never fully appreciate who I am and what I am capable of accomplishing however to know I’m taking the appropriate steps to accept what I have indicates to me that I’m at least halfway there. To say out loud to yourself what problems are indicates immediately that you are breaking away from comfort and are coming to terms with what you want.

As for the remainder of my week…

Last week was all about the spa day where my best friend and I went to a local spa for treatments and a beautiful two course lunch. There we were being pampered, purchasing products, eating like queens in such fabulous surroundings and having that girly time to catch up and relax.

As for the exercise front Shaun T and I will never be best friends however he is showing me results therefore all I have to say to that is £100 well spent. Eating wise chocolate is there but the calories have reduced and my main meals have improved considerably. Nutribullet wise. Wowsers I’ve never eaten as much fruit! It’s safe to say that nothing is going to waste.

As for the remainder of my time the kitchen has quite literally sapped out all of my free time. If I’m not exercising I’m cleaning cupboards, rearranging drawers, dashing backwards and forwards to various stores and running around like a blue arsed fly. Mind you the kitchen is looking rather spiffing and if you are following my instagram account you’ll see if all on there.

Once the tiller’s been the end result will be marvellous and I’d like to think I’m one happy lady stress free and ready to burn everything in sight!

To conclude today’s post. Comfort can be a stickler.

Changing your way of thinking can be a rather large hurdle to cross because you never quite know what’s on the other side. Change on the other hand can also be such a positive thing in life because you’re proving to yourself that you’re making the right changes to benefit you. You’re making a stand against your condition and showing the world that you won’t be beaten. I’ll leave you with one final quote that may put this into perspective.

“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great”- Zig Zagler.

 

 

 

 

  

One Response to The comfort barrier.

  1. Acceptance is the first step, sounds like you’re on the road to a better you. Good luck, don’t let the sceptics knock you back.

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