“I’m still learning myself”- Mulan.
Throughout life one of the main questions I’ve heard uttered from the mouths of others is “When do we ever stop learning?”. My answer to that is.. I don’t think we ever do.
During my time with Epilepsy one of the biggest questions I’ve asked myself is “Will I ever grow out of my Epilepsy?” to which I’d respond by thinking.. Probably not.
Unlike the first question Epilepsy is a condition that some grow out of and others wonder whether that time will ever reach them. In some cases no Epilepsy may never leave you however is that such a bad thing?
Those reading that last question may think I’m utterly mad to possibly see Epilepsy in a slightly positive light however with me the journey I’ve been on with my condition as a whole along with the psychological elements that my condition has imposed on my life has been a battle that effects people in different ways. With me it was about looking down at my health issues there was no way up because all I could see was my life changing for the worse.
There was no light at the end of any tunnel, the positivity would waver and the questions would constantly be raised in my head as to whether I had anything more to learn about my condition because in my eyes I’d experienced it all already.
For those who would say “There’s light at the end of the tunnel” I’d be like “Yeah” whilst thinking “Fuck off you don’t know what I’m going through”.
How negative was I?
The more I read about others feelings towards their condition the more I think that I wasn’t alone. Don’t we all feel like that at times? Probably.
As I approached my fifteenth year of having Epilepsy there was a change in me.
For years I had watched Epilepsy come in like a tornado causing havoc on the ones around me. Apart from receiving a bike when I was diagnosed (I was chuffed at the time, mind you I was only eight years old) the seizures were a burden, the shakes a mare and the medication taking a chore.
A change where I knew that if I didn’t do something then my life would remain a battle to which I didn’t want to repeatedly lead myself into the same battle. I was tired and I couldn’t quite literally be arsed anymore.
To me Epilepsy was stopping me from having a life or was it?
As I’ve just said there many may disagree with what I have to say next but I think it ought to be said. I know it’s helped me and I truly hope it helps others. Again I may be wrong.
As I grew up with Epilepsy I had a hatred towards my condition a one that would come out immediately after a seizure. As I’m getting older I have thought to myself on many occasion that maybe Epilepsy changed me in ways I never thought were possible. Maybe having my condition made me more sensible.
Instead of getting as pissed as a fart drinking bottle after bottle of wine I chose to be mindful (the majority of the time) of what I drank incase it increased the possibility of me having an episode, I didn’t smoke, I was wary at all times of my surroundings and I chose to do this because of my condition. I chose to exercise, to be strong should an episode arise so I could bounce back stronger.
The big question is would I have been like this if I didn’t have Epilepsy?
Would I have been determined to want to look after my health as much as I do now if I didn’t have Epilepsy?
The big answer is. I truly don’t know.
My opinion of failure to accept what I had and to believe that I could find out who Saz actually was truly a hurdle I wanted to jump over however didn’t know how to. This was possibly down to the fact that I’d became too familiar with the mundanely feelings of apprehension as soon as I thought about how Epilepsy would have an impact on my day.
Merge this feeling with feelings of growing up and I didn’t want to know.
As I’ve said previously I’d talk about Epilepsy should it crop up and if I was feeling a tad unwell I would have to explain my condition to others in order for them to gage an understanding of my condition that would ultimately make me feel worse.
When I made the decision to seek counselling, to write down my emotional connection with Epilepsy and to see the worry that was standing before me I thought to myself why didn’t I start accepting who I was far sooner than I did?
Why did I think I know it all? I didn’t know half of it.
Instead of listening to my peers and acknowledging their compliments I felt like part of me wasn’t allowing myself to be happy because I didn’t know where Epilepsy would stand in the grand scheme of things.
As I think about the past 21 years of having this condition I realise now that whether you suffer from Epilepsy or not we are all learning on a daily basis.
Whether it be the understanding of your partner, being good at your job, money issues or the obstacles you may face when tackling an episode that is outside your comfort zone what we should understand is that somewhere someone is going through exactly the same things as us. We aren’t alone therefore why feel like we are alone?
In my previous blog post I referred to not looking back and accepting who I want to be. I asked you all if you were with me and from the feedback received many were in unison with me to hold onto that positivity in order for that to transfer into our general wellbeing. Ten days on I’m still applying that method and I hope you are too.
As for the rest of the week…
This house is quite literally pissing me off. The kitchen is gorgeous and my healthy eating is at an all time high. My preoperational skills in the kitchen are improving (thanks to the newness of the kitchen) and as for the exercise well Shaun T hasn’t got nothing on me.
Weather wise it’s been rather glorious. There I’ve been on my days off lying in the back garden with my Zuszhh tan accelerator on basking like a French fry in the sun (SPF included of course). The tan is coming along (gradually) and there are no burnt bits! As for the family my parent’s are still as crazy as ever and I cannot stop laughing at how I’m turning into them. That’s one thing I cannot avoid.
To conclude today’s post.
As the quote I said earlier indicated that I’m still learning. We all are. There’s nothing the matter with falling nor is there anything the matter with wanting to learn more about yourself. I know I’ve had a lot of learning to do.
You get people in life who are adamant that they have no regrets, they have been there done that however that’s them. You are you and you alone.
To me learning is all about understanding the decisions you’ve made and coming to terms with the choices life will throw at you for the rest of your life. It’s all about experiences and noticing the trends that makes you not feel like yourself so you can tackle the issue and move on.
We don’t always have to appreciate what decisions we made at the time however you have to put you and your loved ones first. That’s the most important thing.