“You can’t base your life on other peoples expectations”-Stevie Wonder.
Expectation. To expect something from someone, to expect that life will be easy or to base our own problems on what we expect ourselves to be.
Great expectations was a book I enjoyed as a child. It was also a book I studied at secondary school. I was engrossed by the characters and once I picked it up I couldn’t put it down. A book about sorrow, love. The meaning was in the title.
For those who haven’t read it I’d advise you give it a glance because it’s definitely worth a read. The portrayal of the characters were amazing whereas the author gave us a beautiful description of how people are perceived.
With me Epilepsy was always a challenge that I couldn’t quite overcome. For those who are aware the feeling of not being able to tie my Epilepsy down was something that was impossible to do and the coming to terms with where Epilepsy felt like a chore.
To expect myself to be this person who would bounce back proved harder than the other people around me with my condition and I felt alone. Although family were there to provide me with that sense of certainty it was only until I made the decision to find myself did things start slotting into place.
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve felt like life is going ninety to the dozen zooming past me with the shakes battling me in what feels like a one I feel that I’m losing.
Last week I shook five times in one week and albeit it ones that didn’t fully wipe me out there was this concern as to where they’d come from and whether it was just an imbalance in my body that needed rest and recuperation. No grande mal seizures were involved however it did dawn on me that there’s something not right.
As you’re all aware through previous blog posts I was a people pleaser a one that would have this gravitational pull towards what others wanted and not necessarily what I wanted for myself. The odd bout of feeling occasionally overwhelms me in time of need however I’m putting that down to being human nothing more.
It was only until I reached a certain age did it come to fruition that I cannot be what others want me to be as they have their own lives to lead.
One example was the expectancy of bouncing back as a child when my parents permanently separated. For those who’ve read my blog posts from the beginning will know I’m a family person. I live for family and I adore them with all that I have. When my parents ended their relationship it took the thick end of fifteen years to realise that there was no hope for my parents.
Although they provided me with happiness and stability on a separate basis it was difficult to see two people come together for their daughter but not for themselves. Maybe my expectation was too great. Life goes on and if you’re not happy you can’t pretend to be. Nowadays I see this, as a youngster the signs didn’t reach me. Hell they shouldn’t have been and I know this now.
As selfish as it may come across you need to want what’s best for you and there comes a stage in life where only you can make that decision.
Lately I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I’m supposed to feel when I come up against a challenge that can change your life forever. That’s the thing with my condition it gets me thinking, it makes me feel on edge however instead of expecting myself to be all singing all dancing I’m realising that when Epilepsy is involved things take time. We have to look at each experience in it’s own merit.
When it comes to expectancy Is it about being happy or is it about doing what’s right?
With me whenever there’s a knock in the road my health tends to suffer however what I am questioning is the strength of who I am and whether this bump with my Epilepsy I can bounce back from. I truly hope I can.
When I write Sazzle’s blog I tend to give an insight as to who I am and what I represent and unfortunately when writing blogs everything isn’t always going to be hunky dory. It’s bound to have that emotional discontent at times however my aim is to make you see that happiness is key.
We cannot prevent what’s round the corner however things happen for a reason, change is inevitable if you want it to be and that on the basis you have the hunger inside of you to make a stand then you will succeed even if it’s only for your own wellbeing.
As I sit here this morning I can see why society can put expectation on others.
Why do we always have to be content with what society wants for us condition or not? Why can’t we just be ourselves and make the decisions that’s right for us not what’s right for others?
Why is there this expectancy to be a certain way? In our worlds there shouldn’t be.
It should be about analysing the appropriate things that matter, get it down on paper and evaluate what your expectancy of yourself ought to be. There shouldn’t be this worry about being second best to anyone. You’re bound to have problems however you have to do what’s right for you.
As for the remainder of my week…
The shakes have dominated the situation at the moment and I’m attempting now I’m feeling a little better to get back into my exercise regime and to bounce back stronger both mentally and physically.
Apart from that the bank holiday weekend has been a relaxing one and now the house is finally sorted maybe I can take that time to relax and spend time with my loved ones without this worry of wondering when the next shake will hit.
No funny stories to tell apart from a bottle of pepsi going all over the new kitchen however that’s another story altogether. Merge shaking, sticky feet and trying to sort out a kitchen floor and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Hey you’ve got to see the funny side of it.
To conclude today’s post. Expectation. Don’t let it overwhelm you. As I’ve said before do what’s right for you. Only you will thank you for it later on.