But the other day, reading my mom’s post about “I’ve been hit” was hard. I know that I can handle what goes on in my life. New symptom, I think “no big deal, I’ll watch it for a week, track my symptoms, do some research and I’ll be fine. If I find something worth sharing, I’ll call my parents and then maybe call the doctor.” That’s honestly my train of thought.
Or if it’s an acute symptom, I think, “let me check my heart rate and blood pressure, am I dehydrated, or did I eat something that could have gotten stuck. No? okay, well before I do anything rash like go to the ER, let me call my sister in law (who is an NP). If she says I need to go, then I’ll go, but I’d really rather not.”
I deal with my own experience very rationally, I don’t think about how I feel, I instead focus on how I am going to deal with the issue at hand. But those around me can’t deal with the issue, all they are left with is feeling: feeling scared, feeling worried and feeling a hurt for me. It’s like the less I feel, the more they feel. And that is hard for me to see, to know that me being sick hurts the hearts of those around me. To know that when I am sick and in pain, they are sick with worry and all because they love me.
I wish that I could absorb all the pain and that no one around me had to feel the hurt of being sick. I know I can handle it, I mean it’s my life, I am always fine. But I can’t control if those around me can handle what is going on and I’ve seen first hand what happens when they can’t. Just like they can’t take away my pain, I can’t take away their hurt so instead we live each day, moment by moment, praying for peace and dealing with suffering in our not so normal life.