I feel a little bit like a fast-food advert today…a bit false. Not false as in dishonest, just false as in trying to put a front on when I don’t really have the goods to back it up!
I watched a clip the other day which showed how McDonalds get their burgers looking great in the adverts but that the harsh reality is often very different.
Some people ask me how I stay so positive. People tell me that I inspire them. I get asked for advice a lot. Yet the truth is that I struggle – a lot!
Today started off really positive. Well, it was a bit of a faff – I got woken up early by a text from my Dad asking me what time I would be at the stables…my response was, ‘When I wake up! x’…he just told me how impressed he was that I could send texts whilst sleeping! I had to pop and get some screws for the fence, which meant a drive to the car park of Wickes that I had my accident in…so that was a bit weird, and I gave the bollards and cars a wide birth. However, the plonker who was supposed to be opening the store had overslept! After a wait, I decided to head to B&Q…and whilst my other half was looking at fixings – which to him would be like trying to read Japanese – a group of boys decided to walk past my car. One happened to lose his footing and put his hand out towards my window to steady himself…not realising that the window was open! He nearly ended up in my passenger seat, much to the mirth of his friends who decided to take the mick out of him. The one positive was that although they laughed at the look on my face, I didn’t hear the words ‘fat’ or ‘bitch’ uttered!
We got the fence fixed, we picked all of the weeds out of the field – well, the poisonous ones – and generally had a nice couple of hours in the fresh air this morning.
Once we had headed home though, it was a different story entirely. My mood plummeted for some reason and I have no idea why. I felt teary, I wanted to go to bed, I wanted to eat crap and huddle up in an emotional ball of contentment-seeking with lots of rubbish food for company.
I tried to distract myself but it didn’t work – I just got frustrated. So I went to bed…that didn’t really help much. So I got up…that didn’t really help much. I was told to read a book, to go for a walk…all sorts of suggestions were thrown my way. They were appreciated, but didn’t help much either.
Days like this are hard. If my other half is feeling down, he can have a ciggy or eat rubbish food…neither option is good for his health, but it comforts him. I am finding it hard to find my new comfort. Whilst I understand that eating rubbish won’t help, I find it hard to let it go. Emotional eating was part of my life for so long – it was a friend and an enemy rolled into one. So what do I do now?
I could exercise I suppose – take my frustrations out with my boxing gloves and pads…but sometimes that seems like too hard an option! Maybe I need to accept that emotions can just be there…I can feel sad without having to do anything to stop feeling sad…I can wallow in bed for thirty minutes if I want to. I don’t have to feel happy and try and stay positive all of the time.
Perhaps because I feel that people assume that I must feel great thanks to my weight loss, I think that I have to live up to that? I don’t know – I just know that today has been bloody difficult for no apparent reason.
Although I do think that there are a few things playing on my mind – things that would seem stupid to most people…
#1 is that I found out that the MOT on my car expired yesterday…and only discovered this as I was looking through paperwork for an unrelated issue. I normally get a reminder, but didn’t! This means that I have to rush around getting new tyres fitted (I need a full new set) which means that I have to go to garages twice. Garages are the domain of men – for the most part – and men who spend time talking about ladies…I worked in the car parts industry for years and was privy to all sorts of these conversations. Therefore I am a little apprehensive about taking myself there – twice – and wondering what might be being said. Paranoid? Moi? Absolutely I am fecking paranoid!
#2 is that I am due to go to a horsey event on Wednesday. This means mixing with a crowd of people that I haven’t selected. I understand that this sounds weird…as if I have delusions of grandeur and can select the crowd! What I mean is that I have spent so much time hiding away from people, and have only recently started hooking up with old friends that I knew wouldn’t judge me. Yet this will be a group of horsey people – who can be a rather size conscious bunch – and I am a bit apprehensive about this too.
#3 is that I have been informed that I am the only nomination in my group for ‘Woman of the Year’. This is obviously wonderful – and I thank each and every person for their vote. Yet I also feel a bit overwhelmed by that too. It means taking my old photos in again and sharing these with the group, and it also means photos being taken and shared on the group FB page. Last time I shared my pictures, I started crying…not something that I like doing often!
#4 is that I have a treadmill engineer coming tomorrow. Great – as my treadmill will be on top form afterwards – but also worrying in case he says, “hmmm…the motor is a bit worn!”…as he looks me up and down!
Stupid shite makes me worry. My mind is full of whirring thoughts at night as I try and sleep. If I wake up in the night, my mind starts whirring again. I just need to find an outlet for all of this which does not relate to food…but years of go-to habits take time to overcome. I haven’t given in on the food front, but my emotions are a bit messy today!
Breakfast: Raspberry and blueberry porridge with almond milk (6.5 syns).
My food was nice today. I had started off planning an Original day. My porridge was nice and I was planning on something meat or fish related for lunch and dinner. That was until my Mum turned up at the stables with some of her pasta quiche. I am a sucker for it, and I was hungry after fence building and it was nearing lunch time. So I had a bit of that and decided upon an Extra Easy day. That was until I realised that I had a couple of Quorn fillets to use up…hence the risotto with Quorn fillets chopped up in it! I had tomatoes on toast for a proper late lunch – no faff, just a can to open and bread to toast. The risotto was a quick cheats version…Uncle Ben’s mushroom rice (2 syns) with green pepper, red onion, spring onion, mushrooms, spinach and the Quorn. I then mixed my LowLow cheese through it…delicious and ready within fifteen minutes.
Exercise: A bit of fence building!
Thank you for reading…normal cheery service will be resumed soon!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx