This little bugger ended up in my burgers today…
I am not quite sure how it ended up there though! The grill pan was clean and had fresh foil put on it before cooking, and then the burgers were tipped out of the box…which my other half did. Now he is not the most observant chap on the planet – you can do all sorts of things in front of him and he won’t notice, or you can have a whole conversation with him, and he will later deny all knowledge of it! So I have a feeling that the slug was either in the box of burgers, or had snuck into our oven via the dodgy seal on the door…not a real seal – like a bouncer in a dicky bow with a clipboard…but the edging around the oven!
As you can imagine, I was in a quandary. Do I eat the burgers, or do I not? As I shop daily, I had no other options for lunch, other than burgerless cheese and gherkin batches. Given that the slug was cooked, I convinced myself that any bacteria would have been killed. Plus, Hugh Fernley wotsit face cooks slugs and eats them fairly regularly if his shows are anything to go by…but then again, I heard a rumour from a reputable source that the Beaminster Women’s Institute cook his baked goods for the show! Only a rumour though – I can do without the threat of legal action from yet another TV plonker!
So whilst you all sit and cringe, and make a mental note never to come for dinner at my house, I went for the burger eating option.
Over the years, I have had all sorts of weird and wonderful things in my mouth – compose yourself, please! I just mean that I am quite happy to try anything once. The only thing I have refused to eat was tripe…because the smell of it put me off.
And let’s face it, the shite I used to eat was full of ground up chicken beaks, pig snorters and trotters…and goodness only knows what else…so what harm is a little slug going to do? After a good night out – a ‘good night’ involved lots of dancing, lots of drink and a decent snog and grope – I would make my way to the local ‘Eastern Diner’…for a kebab that was made with goodness knows what. In fact, I am sure that Jack Dee once questioned why they were called ‘Doner Kebabs’ and not ‘Donor Kebabs’ as he thought they were just made from left over waste from a hospital…yes, it was a tasteless joke that made me chuckle…but it still didn’t put me off my kebabs!
Although I then stupidly Googled ‘I ate a slug’ and found a top story about an Australian man who is gravely ill after eating two garden slugs for a bet…apparently they contain a deadly lungworm parasite in some instances. To be honest though, I have heard enough about fecking worms today (I will explain shortly) and I had already eaten the burgers. The slug looked pretty well done to me…I stuck a knife in…so I am sure that I will survive.
I did wind my other half up though! He is one of a kind – he hates strange situations…such as when we were in Cuba where they have machine gun toting armed guards next to you at passport control…so he made me carry the hand luggage through as he didn’t want to get stopped by one. And then when we were walking through a town in Cuba, he asked me to carry the camera as he thought that they might not try and steal it from a woman. And when I had my chat with Blackberry Man the other day, he hid upstairs to avoid the conflict! He is also really easy to wind up too. I agreed to have the burgers that had been nearest the slug – or rather, he told me that if we were eating them, then those were the ones I had to have…so we ate them. But before he took a bite of his, he asked me what I thought first. So I waited until we had both finished before saying, “My last burger tasted really strange…did yours?”, in a really innocent tone…it took him ages to cotton on that I was winding him up – and the look on his face whilst he was working it out was priceless!
Worms – why I am fed up of them? Well, the horses have to be wormed regularly throughout the year, as they pick up all sorts from the pasture they graze on – all horses do. So to keep the chemicals down that I have to give them for this, I normally take a sample of each of their poo every few months and send it off for analysis. This then tells me if their worming programme is working – in which case they don’t necessarily need a wormer, of if it isn’t and they do.
However, despite the cells in my brain firing okay, I can never work out which wormer is needed when. There are certain worms at certain times of the year, then there are certain worms which cannot be detected by a poo sample, and then there are certain base chemicals in each wormer which need to be rotated so that the horse doesn’t build up a resistance to it. So despite all of the attempts that I have made to understand it all, it hurts my brain too much and I would rather pay for a professional to sort it out for me.
This means that each year, my horses are reviewed and I get sent a worming programme for each of them. I also get the correct wormers posted to me, along with the poo sample kits, at the right time during the worm cycle. And for this I pay a fee. For our four horses this year, it means a £500+ fee…which is actually not too bad when I break down the service I get…but when that bill comes in the week before I am due to go on holiday…eek!
Regardless of the bill, it needs sorting. My horses get better management than I do – they get their teeth checked, their backs checked, massages, feet treatments…all sorts of beauty and pampering supplies…but they cannot look after themselves and so I am responsible for them. I am just going to have to spend less on the lovely Scottish salmon whilst I am up there!
I then totted up the cost of the books for my course…which came to nearly £400…so that’s another expense to deal with!
So that’s been my day really – slugs, worms, burgers and dosh dilemmas! Other than this, I have just been mooching – I had a lovely conversation with a friend…for over an hour – her poor phone bill!…we went to see the horses, then collected a load of my Christmas pressies which had been taken to the local sorting office, and then popped to Asda. I heard such a funny conversation between a manager and an employee whilst I was waiting for my other half. They were stood next to my car and I sat there chuckling (and making discreet ‘wanker’ gestures) as the manager tried to be all ‘down with it’ and the employee tried to be all ass kissy…it really was cringeworthy. Although I have done it in the past on both counts. You want people to like you after all. I think one of my downfalls in the end was that I came to realise that my boss was just a big old slut…and that as I didn’t have a penis that was in a position of power, she wasn’t interested…so my poker face when dealing with her just disappeared…she could see the look of sheer disdain and disgust painted all over my face. My other half reminder me of her today by pointing out that she was on Twitter…I wish he hadn’t as I saw a picture of her and it bought it all flooding back. I hadn’t really though of her for a while. I still love the irony of her moving into a role for a company that prides itself on being open and available practically 24/7…I think that was what her legs prided themselves on too given her proclivity for sleeping around at our company. She used to make a real issue out of my weight but it wasn’t in a concerned or helpful manner, it was to belittle me and to put me back in my place. I think it was J.K. Rowling who wrote, “Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’?” At least I can hold my head up high knowing that my HR Director didn’t have to warn me to keep my knickers on! And at least I am working hard to make the best of my life…and not to ruin the lives of others! Anyway – enough of her…she rears her ugly head once in a while…a bit like a case of genital herpes…oh wouldn’t be ironic if she…! This evening will likely consist of more Jack Bauer…which has more twists and turns than Snake Pass. I am on a real wind-down until my holiday now…”Wind-down from what?”, some of you might be thinking, but I tell you honestly, my life now is busier than it ever was when I worked full-time!
Breakfast: Banana, plum and orange.
Apart from the slug burgers – which were actually pretty bloody tasty as usual – it has been a good food day. It started with some nice fresh fruit, followed by burgers, and then a concoction. I cooked some Quorn sausages, and used my newly fixed Tefal to make sweet potato chips. Then I mixed a tin of mixed beans in tomato sauce with some veggies – kind of a ratatouille mix – added some garlic and a good taste of Jerk seasoning…it was lovely!
Exercise: A little bit of walking!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx