talkhealth Blog

“Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve, it’s leadership”- Anon.

Throughout life I’ve constantly wondered whether you can be your own leader or whether this is just a figment of my imagination.

I have looked at many examples over the years such as people who are less confident, people who are overly confident and then there’s the people who like to keep themselves to themselves. Can each and every category have leadership qualities?

A couple of questions for you before I continue. Do you ever feel like you’re the leader of your own life or do you prefer to stay in the background like an outsider looking in on your own life?

Hold onto that answer whilst reading on.

When we talk about Epilepsy awareness I think taking the initiative by writing down your situation can not only help yourself but others. As you are all aware with me I’m as a daft as a brush wittering on about everything and nothing however try to include that underlying message whilst I write.

That message is that until you accept what you have then there is the possibility that you’ll always be fighting a losing battle.

Now I appreciate everyone is different. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses however when it comes to what you want from life only you can make that happen.

Lately the shaky bouts (as I call them) have made more of an impact in the past two years than they have in nine.

They’ve showed their face when I’ve least expected them to thus having an impact on my thought process for the day. In my opinion they’ve interrupted weekends, the odd night out and when I’m at work. When it comes to the shakes there’s this second guessing regime that I put in place to protect myself since they initially formed back in 2004.

Like the seizures no apparent warning signs are there therefore you feel like you’re on guard 24/7. There’s not this switch that you can flip when you’re in a safer environment. You cannot prepare for them they’re just there.

Yesterday my dad and I had a discussion surrounding the shakes and my emotional tie to them. My father like the remainder of my family are not only concerned for my welfare however unlike many instances in my life they’ve never quite been able to understand in full the excessive tiredness these bouts can bring and the weight I’ve carried by not accepting them entirely.

Like I’ve said when describing these episodes in previous posts it’s the fear of the unknown that tends to make you feel inadequate.

It’s the frustration that tends to niggle me more than anything else.

It’s the little things like if I want to earn extra cash I’d work overtime when it’s on however there’s the matter that if I do and this results in further tiredness then will that have repercussions on the following week? It’s a matter between wanting and hoping that I’ve made the right decision.

My dad and I have an understanding of one another.

He can see these frustrations and want as all dad’s do to help his child as whatever’s on my mind he feels he needs to take some responsibility for. Sometimes I get myself in a muddle explaining to him what it feels like to shake. Like any parent my parents want so desperately to understand why they’re there and what could be triggering them off.

I think the general thing that makes me feel like they’re getting on top of me is the justification of what they are. It’s like I want to shout at the top of my lungs that these shakes are NOT anxiety related.

There was the possibility a long time ago that the minor shakes could have been as a result of tiredness and the odd worry on my mind however if this was the case why didn’t they appear when my parents permanently separated, when I separated from the boys in my life or when I had frequent anxious moments before a school exam? Those examples at the time were deemed greater worries than anything I’m facing right now.

After nine years of visiting consultants, Epilepsy nurses, GP’s, support groups and online bloggers we’ve all drawn the conclusion that my meds appear to be the culprit of these in some cases horrific instances.

The only worry now is that it’s not as simple as just removing me from medication entirely or going onto a brand new medication type it’s just a matter of rolling with the punches, understanding how I can cope with these and knowing that if my shakes are the only real thing I have to adjust my life around then unfortunately this is what I must do.

In times of struggle you are tested on your leadership skills and my ultimate test at this moment in time is my shakes. From someone who preferably in a years a time would love to start a family there is this part of me that prior to any conception is questioning the ability of where my shakes stand in motherhood.

Although this enters my mind occasionally I know in myself that I’ve been my own leader for as long as I can remember. Although I’ve asked for advice in the past from the people I’ve known I’ve had to accept that whatever decision I make has to accommodate my condition to a degree because sometimes making a rash decision can result in my health deteriorating and this in itself will not benefit me whatsoever.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that we all go through life with worries others will not understand or appreciate for that matter however their involvement in wanting to help us is something that should be addressed and thanked for.

As for the remainder of my weekend.

No further makeup purchases made however I have over the weekend scrapped my usual couple of digestive biscuits for a couple of rich tea with my morning cup of milky coffee. The only downside to these biscuits is the whole dunking process.

For those who have had the pleasure of eating rich tea biscuits will know that the whole saying of:

“Just have a couple and it’ll crave your sweet tooth” is a load of bollocks.

Rich tea biscuits are so addictive in my eyes. You have to have a minimum of four to enjoy what you’ve just eaten.

There’s then the matter of rich tea supposedly being decent dunking biscuits. For those who are oblivious to what I’m talking about the dunking process is when you dunk your biscuit into your hot beverage and bite when it’s softer. Rich tea biscuits are quite literally the WORST dunkers in the world.

The majority of the time the biscuit falls into your tea resorting in you having to fish it out with your fingers, burning your fingers and then spending twenty minutes running them under a cold tap. If you can relate then how annoying is that? If you can’t then just ignore this segment!

Exercise wise the slim in 6 will be completed after this post and then later we are off for a family meal with the in laws. Mmmm.. A hot beef sunday lunch… Mmmm.. Will have to minus the Yorkshire pud, or so she says!

To conclude today’s post. Sometimes taking the bull by the horns is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s portraying to you that you won’t settle for second best. There are bound to be restrictions when your condition is concerned however I bet there are other things that you excel in that you haven’t thought were possible because of Epilepsy getting in the way.

Being positive is not always about being smiley and bouncing about all the time. It’s about not losing that hope and passing that positivity onto others who may be in similar situations. Keep smiling and never stop being you!

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Saz

Overcoming worry, anxiety and learning to cope with epilepsy. I dedicate this blog to my family and to all those people out there who thought the possible was impossible. Life isn’t about doing everything yesterday it’s about finding acceptance and taking your time. This blog has been created to document my findings and to allow others to understand that they are not alone. I have tried my best to collate these concerns for others to read should they wish. The intention is to not only address my concerns of my condition however I also intend to address my daily struggles whilst giving an insight as to what my days entail.