Today’s ward round went well, I went in hoping to get five hours of leave so was pleased when they gave me six hours. My meds are staying the same – 800 mg of quetiapine and my body is starting to tolerate it, meaning that I’m not so drowsy anymore. It’s been all positive steps today.
But is everything positive here? The answer’s a definite no. If you read this blog post you’ll see the symptoms I am currently experiencing, but in short, it’s mainly delusions and hallucinations – auditory and visual. I felt like the quetiapine was helping the auditory hallucinations (voices) a bit, but in all honesty, I think they’re getting worse. I’m not saying it’s the meds fault, but they do seem to be getting worse, particularly at night.
As for delusions, they’re really tough to handle. When you’re told that what you believe is false, it really makes you wonder what other memories and ideas are false. For example, I had a delusional memory three years ago that I had a daughter. When I finally realised she wasn’t real, it made me analyse my memories to see which other ones could be false. And it’s the same here now. I have delusional beliefs and I don’t know if I have any other beliefs or memories that are also false. It’s so confusing.
Also, I really hate knowing that this is affecting my family. We’re a really close family, and I hate that this is having to take a high priority when there are other things that should really be taking high priority right now. I’m infinitely grateful that my family support me regardless of how my symptoms make me view them – past delusions have made me view them in a really negative light. I’m infinitely grateful that one or both of my parents take me out every afternoon so I can have a few hours of ‘normal’ life again. But I’m still hating the fact that this is affecting them.
So this is the point where I’m supposed to get all inspirational and say something along the lines of “I’ll fight these symptoms and not let them get me down!” but that would definitely be a lie. Truth be told, these symptoms are getting me down. When I could see that what I am hearing was just voices (rather than satellites), it made me a bit depressed. I didn’t want to be hearing voices again. I still don’t. I don’t like the visual hallucinations (seeing things) or delusional beliefs either. I’m trying to fight them but it’s really tough.
So no inspiration in this blog post I’m afraid. Just honesty, in that things aren’t all positive. I’m not a super human who can cope with anything and everything thrown in her path. I’m only human. But hey, maybe in the near future I’ll be able to blog inspiringly and honestly.
I just hope that day comes very soon.
Katy Gray
I started suffering with the symptoms of schizophrenia at the age of 18, but it wasn't until I was 21 before I was diagnosed. My diagnosis was recently updated to paranoid schizophrenia, but I refuse to be known by a label. I am a person first and my illness last. I am always trying to break the stigma that surrounds mental health, schizophrenia in particular, and write as much as I can to try and achieve this.
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