The finish line.

19 Jan 2014

“A man is not finished when he’s defeated; he’s finished when he quits”- Richard M Nixon.

Defeat, worry, resentfulness. These three words are the one’s that come to mind when I read the quote above.

I think it’s the subconscious feeling of not giving it my all, the feeling of quitting when I know I could have tried harder.

Do we all get this feeling from time to time or is it just me? Do we ever feel that we’ll cross the finish line?

This is the thing with Epilepsy because there tends to be a fine line between being defeated and having to quit because your body’s had enough. The difference between throwing in the towel and standing tall in a crowd of people you believe are normal when to be honest this couldn’t be any farther from the truth.

The past week has been a one that has challenged me immensely. I have tried my hardest to be positive however my mind for whatever reason is elsewhere.

At present I’m getting my bathroom refurbished. The house feels like an absolute shithole however I’m thinking of the end result and the many relaxing times ahead where I can hopefully have that long soak in my new bathroom and take in the changes that have been made to make our house an even nicer home.

Unfortunately for me I’d like to call myself a “Yesterday person” i.e. someone who wants the end result immediately, someone who wants everything yesterday and who quite literally wants everything done at the drop of the hat. I appreciate that unfortunately things can’t be completed overnight therefore this mind-set must change and I’m getting there slowly but surely.

Maybe it’s the fact that I know that if I become unwell I cannot just be myself because there’s three workmen strolling in and out of the house, maybe it’s that subconscious thought that should a shaking episode arise that the workmen would have to resolve this issue and I would feel embarrassed at the thought of three butch blokes (who aren’t remotely attractive) having to sort me out.

Instead of worrying what I should be doing is thinking to myself that whatever will be will be, so what if I start shaking what can I do about it? Come Tuesday I can lie in my new bath with a book watching my hands go crinkly off the duration of time spent taking it all in. Let’s just say I’m turning a negative into a positive, there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

After deviating off course with my bathroom refurbishments I thought the quote today was quite apt in addressing other issues of my past and to make you see that we are all responsible for our own actions. I’ve found that the majority of the time it’s up to us to acknowledge our problems in order to move on and move forward.

As I’ve mentioned in my latest posts blame appears to be a word of great significance a word that people tend to use when things aren’t going their way.

Instead of being an outsider looking into your own life and seeing what issues need addressing there seems to be that “brush it under the carpet” habit that we have all (including myself) got into and unfortunately it’s safe to say it has only lead me to live a lie for half of my lifetime.

There have been many instances where I’ve used my Epilepsy as the barrier to cry against, prop myself up against but the most common is to hide behind. I’m not going to lie I have (particularly when I was younger) used my condition in order for me to live my life to it’s full potential. Here’s one in particular:

As a child with Epilepsy I had a good few occasions where I would turn into a stroppy madam when the word medication was mentioned. Asking whether I’d taken my meds at regular intervals turned into a full blown argument because I thought they were interfering and as for me taking my medication it became a chore I wished I could eradicate.

I remember when I was younger I went through a spell where I wanted to alter my meds. I wanted to have that one day of normality on the off chance in that day I would have grown out of my Epilepsy and I would feel like I had crossed the finish line without the assistance of someone else’s input.

I wanted to feel like I wasn’t being defeated by my Epilepsy because I was the one making a decision that would benefit ME not my condition.

Instead of feeling elated I ended up feeling deflated because after making such a rash decision I ended up falling down a flight of stairs, having two grand mal seizures, staying in hospital for three days hooked up to numerous machines and questioning whether it was all worth it.

If anything I was the one who was defeated and it wasn’t because my Epilepsy wanted to defeat me I let myself down. I made that decision all on my own and to this day wish I never did it.

I could sit here and put it down to age because I was a young adult or I could put it down to the general stresses life can bring however realised that all the excuses in the world wouldn’t change the fact that I acted like an absolute twat putting my family through all that worry and taking two steps back.

I quit on myself and instead I should have seen that I was the one putting myself in jeopardy no-one else.

Twenty years on my love/hate relationship with medication still stands however it’s become an essential requirement to enable me to live my life and irrespective of the many side effects that medication brings that without it I would be reluctant to leave the house. I would end up back on that bus (explained in my previous post) alone worried that a seizure may happen or the long term damage thanks to my incorrect decision making.

I urge everyone reading this if a neurologist tells you that they will reduce your medication because they see an improvement excellent and if they don’t not to beat yourself up about it.

Please don’t be foolish as I once was and take control of something you may not fully understand. The internet is an excellent source of information however doesn’t answer every question you may have. Disagree or not the medical profession do have experience and wouldn’t make the necessary changes if it wasn’t required. Take this advice if you want. I can’t make decisions for you.

I have been given the opportunity to reduce my meds however I have been seizure free for five years. As for some of you reading this who are regularly having attacks please be wise, sensible and remember that nothing is worth jeopardising your health for.

As for the remainder of the week…

Exercise- The Davina 15 workout DVD is a gem and I would urge anyone (if you’re reading from the UK) to purchase this. It’s bloody marvellous and each section is only 15 minutes! For everyone else outside of the UK Jillian Michaels is a close second.

Diet- The chocolate is still there however I’ve increased my protein and reduced my carbs. It’s safe to say saying I’m gonna remove chocolate only trains my brain to want it more therefore I’ll have a smidge a day.

Family- They keep cracking me up and making me smile as family’s should do.

Bathroom- Slowly but surely. Dusty but getting there.

To conclude today’s post. The finish line oh how it feels so far away at times.

If I could give you any advice it’d be this. Don’t make rash decisions. Be sensible and show you’re Epilepsy that you’re not quitting because you’re approaching matters the right way. You’re not being defeated by making choices that’ll benefit you you’re just showing yourself that you can cross that finish line in style with no regrets.



Overcoming worry, anxiety and learning to cope with epilepsy. I dedicate this blog to my family and to all those people out there who thought the possible was impossible. Life isn’t about doing everything yesterday it’s about finding acceptance and taking your time. This blog has been created to document my findings and to allow others to understand that they are not alone. I have tried my best to collate these concerns for others to read should they wish. The intention is to not only address my concerns of my condition however I also intend to address my daily struggles whilst giving an insight as to what my days entail.

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