So I don’t like to cry.  At all.  In fact when I cry I often feel weak and I know that isn’t the case, but I really really don’t like to cry. Plus sometimes when I cry, I can’t stop crying, which doesn’t really sit very well with me.
So story time:
Today I had my weekly appointment with home health.   It normal isn’t very traumatic and I can do it in-between two of my classes.  But today was different.  Today my port wouldn’t access like it is supposed to.  So after the first failed attempt, even though I felt like this:
I still looked like this…
I just kept smiling like nothing was wrong even though I was actually in a lot of pain and freaking out that we had to access my port again.   But I kept smiling and chatting like I was totally fine and clenched my fists and prayed as she went in…and it didn’t work again.   My smile began to waver as the nurse tried to push the needle further into my port, and finally I couldn’t take it any more and my tears began to fall..
I just lost it, I started to cry and couldn’t stop.  Even after she had removed the needle and all the pain was gone, I continued to cry.
I had hit my barrier, the point beyond what I could handle.  I was already stressed about school and sorority things and when it didn’t work two times in a row, I was past my breaking point and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  The flood gates were let loose.
Even though I really don’t like to cry, after just letting out some of my anxiety, I felt better.  It wasn’t like I was suddenly less stressed, but it did feel like things weren’t quite so overwhelming anymore. 
But what I am saying is that crying isn’t a sign of weakness.    I still probably won’t start crying all the time, but every once in a while crying may not be a bad thing for me.   And if crying isn’t a bad thing for me, who hates crying, it may not be a bad thing for you either, even if YOU hate crying too.  As I trek through my unpredictable and often painful life, I’ll try to remember that crying isn’t something to be ashamed of and hopefully I’ll be able to better traverse my not so normal life.

Sarah Brocker

Hi my name is Sarah Brocker and I have Crohn's Disease. I've got 8 scars and am missing two feet of intestines and my life isn't normal, but whose life is normal? I want to use my experiences to help you, even if it means sharing embarrassing experiences. I am also looking to break the stigmas associated with IBD in order to make living with IBD just a little bit easier. All I want to do is help, so please, let ME help YOU!

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