How often do you sit there wondering ‘why?’
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I eat until I hurt? Why do I eat this junk when I know it’s no good for me? Why am I eating chocolate just because I am fed up? Why am I eating when I am not even hungry? Why am I stuffing cake in my mouth when I have weigh in tomorrow and have been healthy eating all week long?
Why, why, why?!
I speak to so many people who tell me that they know what to do, but that they are not doing it, and they don’t know why. And they then tell me that if only they could work out ‘why’ then they could stop doing what they are doing and start doing what they know they need to!
Do you see the flaw there? You know what to do, yet aren’t. If you knew why, then you would. Really…would you?
What do you expect that ‘why’ to be…a little switch labelled ‘off’? A button that you can press which miraculously reprograms your mind? A lever that you pull which closes your mouth to all things unhealthy?
Get real!
The why is not really all that important. I spent years searching for it…and still haven’t found it. I do not know why I ate the way I did. I was not abused as a child. I did not have some major childhood trauma that caused me to seek food as a comfort. I was not starved and therefore feel the need to eat everything in sight. I had a great life…I was a confident kid who was a bit sneaky with food!
Quite simply, I have no other ‘why’ than just habits…years of gradually developing habits that got out of control.
Even if I could pinpoint a ‘why’ I don’t think it would help. If someone told you why you ate the way you do, do you really think it would make a difference? I strongly doubt it. You would still have all of those overwhelming desires to eat that way at times.
“The reason you eat the way you do WLB is due to the chair you sit on”…great, let’s burn the fecking chair…if only it were that simple. The answer is more than likely to be something along the lines of, “The reason you eat the way you do WLB is due to years and years of unconscious behaviour around food…of using it to suppress emotions, of using it to support you during times of stress, of using it to support you during major life events.” Right then…it gets a bit more difficult…because those emotions will always be there, as will those things that cause stress, and as for major life events…well they are just life!
So the road to recovery is pot-holed, bumpy, twisty, turny, and a real fecker of a journey.
You may never know the ‘why’…what do you do now then? Do you keep searching for it…getting fatter and fatter, more unhealthy, and continuing to build upon those habits that become so hard to undo? Or do you start working out ways of moving forwards? Ways of dealing with those life stresses that do not involve food. Ways of experiencing your emotions without food as a bolster. Ways of dealing with major life events that don’t involve the support of Walkers, McDonalds, and your local Wing Wah!
This is where it gets a bit more difficult, because those ways of dealing with those things will be different for everyone. I work with a wide range of coaching clients and all of them have different ways of addressing their issues. There is, unfortunately, no uniform solution…no one-size fits all…one-size sizes have never fitted me! 
Working on what works for you is the best option. I used pauses, food and mood diaries, exercise, distraction techniques…
Just work out what works for you and stop focussing on the ‘why’…as that is rarely answered, and if it is, it’s not really that helpful anyway!
Onto the usuals then…
Today has been okay. I woke up in a grump – the wind and storms kept me awake last night…Mr WLB slept through it all – but felt great after my Pilates class. We then headed off to see the horses and ended up chasing troughs across the field…the horses had finished the water and the wind took the empty troughs on a joyride. I had to worm two of them before heading off for Aquafit. This went well – it was nice to get in the warm water and splash around for a while…Aqua-Hippo man was there again today and was nicer than nice! Then it was off to the shops, home for a while, before heading out to the theatre for ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. Mr WLB had prepared himself this afternoon by watching a preview to get the gist of the story…but kept asking me what the words meant. I think it’s going to be a long night with me acting as translator…good job I studied Shakespeare! 
In all of the excitement of the theatre and getting ready for it, I have been responding to emails from the idiot man with the field our horses are in. He’s saying the the fencing – his electric fencing which he put up and is therefore liable to maintain – has blown down and that I need to sort it. I worded a polite but pointed email and sent it back…and am not checking my email again for ages as he pisses me off too much and I don’t want him to ruin my evening! I am perfectly prepared to return my horses to our old yard if I have to…we only have another six weeks to go anyway. It would be good if I could last it out…or rather it would be good if I could refrain from sticking his electric fencing up his ass and flicking the ‘on’ switch! 
Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).
Lunch: Sweet potato, cottage cheese, and veggie beany ratatouille.
Dinner: Burgers, chips, roast peppers, and cherry tomatoes (2 x HEA and 2 x HEB).
Snacks: Mini Green & Blacks bars (8.5 syns).
An okay food day. A Green day – which means extra cheese…lovely cheese! I started with my bowl of porridge before Pilates, which kept me going. I then had a craving for the jacket potato man – not the man, just his baked goods! But Mr WLB told me ‘no’ and so we headed to Asda instead, where he chose sweet potatoes the size of small boulders. I made a quick ratatouille – tomatoes, courgette, pepper and onions with some garlic, and threw in a can of mixed beans in tomato sauce, and added cottage cheese to my baked sweet potato. Dinner was burgers and roast potatoes and salad. I do love those Asda meatfree burgers! And my snacks were enjoyed after the theatre.
Exercise: 60 minutes Pilates and 60 minutes aquafit.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
WeightLossBitch
On a health and fitness driven journey to lose over 32st / 448lbs / 203kgs – yes, it is a considerable amount – I am committed to losing my excess weight without the aid of weight loss surgery, diet pills, or quick fixes…as there aren’t any! Changing my eating habits and building up my fitness levels, along with addressing the ‘head issues’ will be crucial in order for me to achieve my goal. Living in England as a 31 year old super morbidly obese woman can be challenging to say the least. I have been shouted at in the street and verbally abused far too many times to mention; hence the name ‘Weight Loss Bitch’…the day I am just called a ‘bitch’ instead of a ‘fat bitch’ will be the day that I know I have cracked my weight loss! With many reasons to lose this weight I am documenting my journey for a number of reasons. Firstly, I would like to keep a record of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and the challenges I face with such an enormous task to tackle. Secondly, I would also like to inspire and encourage other people who are in a similar situation and to show them that significant amounts of weight can be lost naturally…with a bit of motivation, hard work, dedication and will power. Thirdly, all of the blogging, Facebook-ing, Tweet-ing, Pinterest-ing and YouTube-ing keeps me occupied and keeps my fingers out of the fridge!
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