I am curious as to what we think we are missing out on when we choose to eat healthily.
I am also curious about my binge-eating…and whether a one-off occasion would put me right back in a place where that old and destructive behaviour rears it’s ugly head.
I used to think that curiosity was a good thing!
The first curiosity question is, in a way, a rhetorical one. Of course, we are missing out on nothing. It’s quite simple. In choosing to eat healthily you are gaining so much…and only losing weight!
So how come it feels so bloody hard at times? Why do we feel deprived? Why do we allow ourselves to be driven to these feelings by wine, beer, chocolate, ice cream, pizza, sausage rolls, cake, crisps, etc? Especially when it is highly likely that an overload of these types of food and drink led to your excess weight…and going back to this type of food – in excess – will create a weight problem all over again.
I have mentioned this before but am mentioning it again as I think it was quite a powerful moment for me. I used to think of Slimming World as a prison…trying to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I felt trapped, restricted, deprived…I felt unable to eat the food that I enjoyed – or thought that I enjoyed. So I stopped going. Time and time again I rejoined Slimming World…yet I always approached it with the same behaviour…
Just before joining I would have my ‘last meal’…or rather it would be a ‘last week’ of shite food. I would stock up on all of the things that I knew would be restricted – sausage rolls, ice cream, cakes, crisps, pizza…I would order takeaways – Chinese, Indian, KFC, Kebabs – on the run up to joining and I would try and get my fill. I have no idea why really. Maybe I thought that a top-up would keep me going! All it was doing was adding more fecking weight though…costing me money…costing me my health…costing me my self-esteem…costing me my confidence…costing me the life that I wanted.
As soon as I looked upon Slimming World as a ticket to a healthy life, my feelings changed – and more importantly, my behaviours changed. Instead of a prison, it was like a huge open field! Which all sounds a little metaphorical really…but it was how I viewed it. Instead of that prison, Slimming World was giving me access to the life that I always craved. And it is this life that I now crave more than the food that I used to crave! I started enjoying eating healthily and going to the gym…not something that I ever envisioned for myself.
Sometimes I think we have to reframe our outlook. Focus on the negative all too often puts us right back where we started – even further back if my history is anything to go by. That 2st I had managed to lose would go back on, plus another 2st! Then I would shift 4st…and put that back on plus another 4st. I shifted 8st once…and put that back on plus another 10st. I always focused on what I was missing out on…never on what I could gain…or lose!
So ask yourself how that wine or chocolate or cake benefits you? Throw away the shite excuses about a glass of red being ‘healthy’…or some good quality dark chocolate being ‘good’ for you…it’s the bottle of red wine, and the giant bar of cheap Galaxy chocolate that is of concern…and the additional food that you munch on with this lot!
Seriously though…what benefit will you get from this type of food? Why does it feel worth it at the time? What benefit will you get from staying on track?
We assume that finding the motivation to join a group is good enough and will see us through. Yet we all know that this motivation doesn’t last long…we need to constantly remind ourselves and top it up! Maybe topping up with motivation instead of chocolate is an idea!
As for this curiosity about binge-eating – what can I say? I AM curious! I feel as if I have made so much progress. Going from 43st 5.5lbs down to 24st 0.5lbs has not been without tough times. I have had to work my arse off to stay on track and I have to make a conscious effort on an almost daily basis…and I am not sure that this will ever change given the magnitude of my issue. Yet it feels easy too…which I appreciate is a bit of a dichotomy.
I can genuinely say that I enjoy how I eat now. I really do. However, as I wrote about with baguette-man, there are rare occasions when I get a little bit rage-filled when it comes to others seemingly being able to eat what they want. I doubt that they really are able to eat what they want though…but it often feels like this!
This may seem at odds with the reframing I mention above. It isn’t though…I just have to reframe these thoughts I have and remind myself of why I am doing what I am doing.
There is a part of me that wants to test myself. I want to go to Asda and fill carrier bags with the stuff I used to eat. I want to try and eat it. I want to see if I still enjoy it. I want to see how my body responds versus how my head responds. I want to know if I would feel guilty…I haven’t slipped off the Slimming World wagon for bloody ages…my last ‘proper’ takeaway was less than half-eaten on 16th January 2013.
Part of me is very curious. Part of me is fecking scared. Part of me has no desire to try this food as I am genuinely happy doing what I am doing.
Would a one-off binge lead to more? If I hate it and feel ill, then I doubt it. Not that I ever used to feel great after a binge before…but I like myself now and used to use binging as a punishment I think. But what if I got away with that binge – what if I enjoyed the food, and still had a weight loss the following week…would this lead to me pushing boundaries?
Clearly the sensible option is to never go near that type of food again. Back to my first curiosity question I suppose…what do I think that I am missing out on? Nothing is the answer…nothing at all. Yet that doesn’t satisfy my curiosity!
Flipping heck…I need to stop this self-coaching – I will tie you in knots with my thinking patterns tonight!
I have to remind myself how hard I have fought to get where I am…and there is still a long way to go yet. I have to remind myself why I rejoined Slimming World again. I have to remind myself how bad the bad days were…the nights that I went to bed petrified that I wouldn’t wake up…the days when I fell asleep mid-conversation as my body was shutting down. The diabetes diagnosis. Being told that I would be dead before hitting my 35th birthday.
I have to remind myself of the fact that I can now do what I did today – walking up flights of stairs and across campus at university…this would not have been possible even this time last year.
Curiosity killed the cat – I think it was good old Shakespeare who coined that metaphor…or maybe Ben Jonson. I don’t want curiosity killing this cat though. Why do I want to test these bloody theories though? It’s as if I want to prove how far I have come…how much my behaviour has changed…but what if it hasn’t…what if I enjoy it? I just can’t test this theory yet I don’t think!
Anyway, I will stop rambling. I am bloody shattered. I had an awful night and woke up at 3.08am…and never went back to sleep. I was at uni for 7.20am! Needless to say that I haven’t been on top form today. My coaching was observed by a few people and I got great feedback…but, not wishing to sound rude, I don’t really care what these guys think…I care what my clients think! It’s nice to get peer feedback, but you never know if they are just being polite…there never seems to be any criticism – constructive or not…and sometimes I guess I want some! I then went to the garage to get Freddie Freelander checked out. He has been making funny noises and I need to tow my horses soon…I don’t want the wheels falling off or anything and wanted to be safe. The mechanic took it out and couldn’t figure out what it was…so it went up on the ramp – nothing! They checked wheel alignment…perfect. So Freddie is making noises for an unidentified reason. The advice? Bring it back if it starts getting louder! Tonight will be an early one I think…with a bit of catch-up TV too.
Breakfast: Scrambled egg, cheese, and spinach pittas (2 x HEA and 2 x HEB).
An okay food day – despite Mr WLB forgetting some of my food from the shopping list! Brekkie was wholemeal pittas warmed up, with cheese, spinach and scrambled eggs. As I was up so early and at uni all day, I took a banana in case I started flagging before lunch…I didn’t…but I still ate the banana! Then I had some rice – the Batchelors rice – with some roasted veggies – red onion, peppers, courgettes – with added spinach and cherry tomatoes. Dinner was a weird combo, but rather nice – a roasted sweet potato, with Linda Mc sausages, green beans, mushrooms, red onion, and gravy – I had an onion Gravy Pot wich was 2.5 syns. Then it was my snacks…and as I had the syns in the gravy, I gave away a third of a Nakd bar to Mr WLB as a third of bar is 2.5 syns!
Exercise: Zilch…other than exercising my mind!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx