It’s been a day of contrasts…the good…the bad…and the ugly!
First up I guess is the good stuff. I had a review with the dietician and she was thrilled. She is really pleased with my progress and told me trust in the process – I have to expect tiny gains here and there, and smaller losses too…but she says I am more than on track based on her experiences. We also managed to compare a body composition print out from last time, with the one we did today…1.5st lost, lower fat mass, lower BMI, higher water levels I think, and she mentioned an increase in muscle…so all good!
I then went to my Slimming World group and got weighed for the first time since being on holiday. 2.5lbs off was not too shoddy! Considering the scallops, smoked salmon and meats, and Italian meal I had, I was pretty bloody pleased with that. Actually, I lie – I wanted more…but wanting more got me fat in the first place so I am trying to learn that everything in moderation is okay…including weight loss!
Seeing my niece and nephew and sister this afternoon was good too. It was the first time since we had all been away on holiday, so I got to hear about their fun and had cuddles and was made to smell feet – the kids, not my sisters…it’s a weird niece and nephew game we play. I am taking my nephew to see Peppa Pig next week, so he is getting excited about that and I have promised my niece a riding lesson instead as she is now too old for Peppa Pig she tells me!
So the bad…well the bad was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. There were four people who came in after me and it was a bit much if I am being honest. Now, however I try and articulate this, it’s not good…it was difficult for me to see people in this position. All of them reminded me of me at my biggest…so it was like holding a mirror up to the old me…seeing myself through eyes and a mind that is in a very different place to what it once was.
I felt frustrated, angry, upset, sad…all because these people reminded me of me. Seeing them struggling to stand up and walk – one was on a mobility scooter and couldn’t walk – and hearing them struggling for breath…it was hard. The emotions I felt were so strong. It had nothing to do with me dismissing these people – and at first I felt incredibly judgemental…until I sat there and had a lightbulb moment that the reason I had these feelings were because this was me…they were me.
Now this probably makes no sense – as I said, trying to articulate it is not good. I am not a judgmental character, although we ALL judge to a certain degree, but I am very accepting in general. I panicked initially – as I felt like one of those arsehole reformed smokers who turns their nose up at anybody else who smokes!
I guess I was looking at these people as my friends and family must have looked at me. I was seeing their struggle rather than living their struggle now. So the frustration, anger, sadness, and upset feelings stem from a place of empathy and sympathy I think rather than judgement.
Given that I have spent a good few years under the care of the team at the hospital, I also felt anxious for them. I know that nothing that anybody said to me in that team made any difference to me. I had fantastic eating advice, scary health warnings, and finally a conversation with the psychologist that made me realise I was full of excuses…but nothing really helped me. So I almost wanted to pull these people to one side and have a real heart to heart with them. Not that I think I have the answers, but because I come from a place of experience…experiencing the humiliation of living at that size, the shame, the anger, the frustration, the sense of despair.
But I will leave the bad there I think…it felt bad initially…but I realised that it was bad only because I had been in that position and it upset me to think that my friends and family saw me going through that struggle and probably felt incredibly helpless…as did I upon seeing these lovely people.
As for the ugly…well, it’s not all that ugly to be honest as I do love myself a bit too much at times! I had a chat with the dietician about my skin and she is going to try and get me an appointment with a surgeon to talk it over. Guidelines have recently changed…if I had opted for the weight loss surgery, then my loose skin would have been taken care of as part of that process now. As I haven’t gone down the surgery route, then this is not the case…so it is looking likely that I will have to fund it myself – which I guess is ugly in a way! There are criteria – you have to have lost 75% of your excess weight, been at a steady weight for a year, have had skin infections I believe, etc, but I just want to speak to someone in the know to get a better idea of what I am dealing with and facing.
So that will be an interesting meeting if and when it happens. I will have to make sure not to put my holey knickers on! Seriously though, getting it all out will be a bit of fun…I do walk around nude at home a fair bit, but I wonder if I will feel different when it’s a surgeon looking at me!
Good…bad…ugly(ish) – it’s been an interesting day. There is still a long way to go – by the way I am 63% there I think – and life is good. The emotions I felt today were strange, but have spurred me on even more I guess. Seeing people in the condition that I was really bought home the severity of my situation…and I can only apologise to my loved ones for putting them through that!
Breakfast: Boiled eggs, banana, and fruit.
A Green day at last! I have spent all holiday enjoying seafood and Original days – so the jacket potato was lovely! First up was breakfast and I had a little more than usual as lunch was a way off…so I saved the fruit salad for later on. Lunch wasn’t eaten until 3pm but was lovely…my beloved Asda meat free burgers. Dinner – well, as it says on the tin. And my Tuesday indulgence – Velvet Crunch!
Exercise: 5 minutes treadmill, 60 minutes weights, 3 minutes treadmill…and another 200kg leg press to show my PT that I could actually do it!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx