I want to be okay with being alone
Posted: Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:02 pm
this is my first time posting on something like this..and I must admit it's a bit nerve-racking trying to reach out to people I don't know, but hey I'm giving it a shot.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to be in a relationship. the feel of wanting to be loved by someone, of wanting to be there for someone, take care of them, to have someone listen to me when I'm down etc. being in the age where many of my colleagues are getting married, or parents looking for marriage for me (I'm Indian) it's making me feel apprehensive as if i'll be left alone for the rest of my life.
I have no pressure from my family, in fact they're my support, bringing me up, supporting me in my academic dreams, funding my education right now (i'm in medical school) and telling me to focus on myself and to love myself.. but I don't. I break down randomly wanting to go home. Ive been living away from home for 10 years now, and struggling to connect with people on an intellectual and emotional level. at first when i start chatting to someone, they're like head over heels on me. then we start talking and i feel like hey this may be the person... as soon as I ask (months into talking) about where this is going, they back away. i'm not here to play games. I make my intentions clear from the beginning and they seem to understand it.. but then why get scared about it? i give the person loads of time sometimes years.
but I have this desperation of assurance, this need for longingness and this need for co-dependence. I tend to hang on to anyone and everyone who shows me even 1% of kindness and care. despite my achievements in life and I am proud of myself, as soon as it comes to social or personal relationships/interaction, all my confidence dissipates. I'm scared of letting go. I'm scared of having someone walk away. when I tell them hey it's not really working of me, immediately 5 mintues later I apologise and say "can we talk it out" because I'm scared. instead the guy puts it on me and says "i don't expect an educated person to behave like this" "have patience" "don't you know this and that".. yes I do have a lack of patience. and I have to work on it. but I do not want this desperation to find someone.
I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel happy with myself and be able to walk away from a situation if it is bad for me. I feel like if I do not do what the guy wants then I'm in the wrong, and I may not find anyone like him. why do i feel this way?
I just want to feel content with the way I am, in my situation without NEEDING to have external assurance and acceptance. and I do not know how to get there.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to be in a relationship. the feel of wanting to be loved by someone, of wanting to be there for someone, take care of them, to have someone listen to me when I'm down etc. being in the age where many of my colleagues are getting married, or parents looking for marriage for me (I'm Indian) it's making me feel apprehensive as if i'll be left alone for the rest of my life.
I have no pressure from my family, in fact they're my support, bringing me up, supporting me in my academic dreams, funding my education right now (i'm in medical school) and telling me to focus on myself and to love myself.. but I don't. I break down randomly wanting to go home. Ive been living away from home for 10 years now, and struggling to connect with people on an intellectual and emotional level. at first when i start chatting to someone, they're like head over heels on me. then we start talking and i feel like hey this may be the person... as soon as I ask (months into talking) about where this is going, they back away. i'm not here to play games. I make my intentions clear from the beginning and they seem to understand it.. but then why get scared about it? i give the person loads of time sometimes years.
but I have this desperation of assurance, this need for longingness and this need for co-dependence. I tend to hang on to anyone and everyone who shows me even 1% of kindness and care. despite my achievements in life and I am proud of myself, as soon as it comes to social or personal relationships/interaction, all my confidence dissipates. I'm scared of letting go. I'm scared of having someone walk away. when I tell them hey it's not really working of me, immediately 5 mintues later I apologise and say "can we talk it out" because I'm scared. instead the guy puts it on me and says "i don't expect an educated person to behave like this" "have patience" "don't you know this and that".. yes I do have a lack of patience. and I have to work on it. but I do not want this desperation to find someone.
I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel happy with myself and be able to walk away from a situation if it is bad for me. I feel like if I do not do what the guy wants then I'm in the wrong, and I may not find anyone like him. why do i feel this way?
I just want to feel content with the way I am, in my situation without NEEDING to have external assurance and acceptance. and I do not know how to get there.