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Boyfriend w/ anxiety based ED (?)

Postby lilacdreams on Mon Jul 23, 2018 7:39 am

Hello, I’m new around here so bear with me as I try to understand how this stuff works lol

So, some background.
I have a boyfriend that I adore, we’ve been living together for about 3 months. He’s 22 and I’m 18, so we’re fairly young and energetic overall. Our relationship has been sweet and nurturing, and I moved across the country to finally enjoy his physical presence (I was west coast and he was east coast).

Things were nice and we got intimate pretty quickly, then I noticed the first time we had sex he seemed to not totally be there. He said it felt great and he enjoyed it, his erection lasted relatively long, maybe 30 to 45 minutes?
We’ve had sex maybe 5 times total in the last 4 months.

Some details on my boyfriend: he’s diagnosed with ADHD and is clinically depressed, also exhibits some anxiety. He is very mildly on the spectrum as well (AS). <—- I should say that I even had to ponder writing this detail down because he was diagnosed with aspergers as a troubled teen I believe, but he claims to not have aspergers, he’s in denial because his case is so mild he claims he feels like a [neurotypical], from what I’ve gathered, but he’s starting to come to terms with his diagnosis.

He’s the most wonderful person, very intelligent, has a naturally kind heart and loves helping others especially when it comes to technology (was an engineer in the USN) and logical advice.
Unfortunately he’s slowly neglected his health over the years and is currently underweight as well, weighing about 110 lbs at 5’7”.
We’re working on his diet and fattening him up gradually, so he’s slowly doing better in that department.
He’s also attending therapy and is on antidepressants, so his mental state is improving as well (baby steps ^^).

Here we run into a few issues. He’s got ultra low self esteem and confidence.
He enjoys our intimate moments and is really sexual, so he becomes really pessimistic and depressed when he can’t perform in bed... it wrecks him, and it’s heartbreaking to watch...

This specifically can bring him down for days, and it’s just /one/ of his stressors in his daily life as someone suffering from depression. Apart from everything else.
He’s been searching everywhere for advice or answers, but of course this topic can be embarrassing for him as he feels ashamed and is slightly socially awkward.

Sadly this issue is something that inevitably comes up almost daily, he’ll be aroused and could simply remember his performance and lose his erection before it’s even fully there.

I myself am a very sexually active person like him, but physical intimacy, closeness, emotional connection, all of those that come bundled in sex with a partner, are something we’re starting to lack.

Outside of the bedroom everything is perfectly normal and fine, but I’m starting to spiral these days. I’m having a sort of withdrawal, and we’ve gone a couple weeks without sex now, because he often just resorts to celibacy out of frustration and embarrassment, and it’s actually tearing my mental up.
I’ve been working on this and meditating and trying to be positive and patient, and be there for him. Reassuring him and telling him it’s alright and that we’ll figure something out.

He means the world to me, so finding ways to make him feel better and/or try things out to fix this are something I’m all for.
I’m trying my best to nurture his self esteem and mentality, doing all the traditional things like complimenting him because he’s honestly very attractive, expressing my love for him in notes and physical affection, spending quality time with him and going out on dates, the whole nine.

I’ve already gone through the initial motions as a girl in a relationship with a man that has this problem.
I’ve felt like I wasn’t enough, I’ve felt like he wasn’t attracted to me, I’ve gone through the distress and anger and anxiety and hopeless feeling, because nothing has really worked well.
I’m sort of past all those feelings and am just searching everywhere for some help/advice.

I’ve scoured other forums relating to this, but most of them are relatively ordinary people, many being neurotypicals too. I included the most significant details surrounding him and his physical and mental state in hopes of finding more filtered, accurate advice, if possible.

Any advice is appreciated!!
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Re: Boyfriend w/ anxiety based ED (?)

Postby talkhealth on Fri Jul 27, 2018 4:53 pm

Hi lilacdreams,

Welcome to the talkhealth forums and thank you for your post.

We're very sorry to hear about the problems you and your partner have been having. Have you had the chance to have an appointment with your healthcare professional? They may be able to help suggest treatments and other options that may be available.

We also have our talkmenshealth section of the website which may be able to provide some additional support and guidance.

Do let us know how you get on.

The talkhealth Team
talkhealth team
Read our health blog - http://www.talkhealthpartnership.com/blog
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Re: Boyfriend w/ anxiety based ED (?)

Postby timtakeshi on Fri Aug 03, 2018 2:49 am

sorry to hear! I had similar problems in my 20s. While I went to see a doctor, the results were not very conclusive and he ended up giving me magic pill which I wasn't very keen on taking.

Luckily, the problem disappeared after I took a break from work. Turns out I was just too stressed. My advice, try and figure out the root cause to tackle the problem there.
If you are convinced that it is likely a mental problem then consider seeing a therapist as they have lots of experience with that stuff!

And great to hear that you are so supportive!
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Re: Boyfriend w/ anxiety based ED (?)

Postby EDDoctorOnline on Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:19 am

If you have erectile dysfunction, a good first step you should take is to diagnose the problem correctly. As erectile dysfunction can be caused by many physical and psychological factors, so a certified doctor can help you know what's causing it and how to get rid of it. Along with getting treatment for erectile dysfunction, you can also receive some useful tips to prevent it.
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