Am I possibly bipolar

[WBrown]

I know this is long but I seriously need the opinions. I know no one can give a diagnosis on here but I just want to sure before I go off to the GP. I don't know if I'm bipolar or if I just want to be so I have an excuse for how I've acting/feeling. By that I don't mean that bipolar is desirable I just mean that I've been researching bipolar for months and that I know most of the symptoms so when I, for example, act really hyper and talking really fast I don't understand why I continue acting that way if I know the symptoms, I don't get why I don't just stop unless I'm just trying to find symptoms in myself if that makes sense. I understand that bipolar is a serious disorder and not something to be wanted and I just make that known before I started.

Ok, throughout February and April my mood dipped. I've never been the most confident of people but it just got ridiculous. I stopped going to my youth group which I loved and used to go twice a week and I left because I didn't want the people there to see me, physically. When I went into the toilets with my friends I would avoid looking in the mirrors and try and stay out of range of it. I felt worthless and was really pessimistic and felt as if there was no point in me being around as there's nothing memorable to look back on and nothing to look forward to and people don't benefit from me being around. Also, I had this theory, that I don't know if I believed or not, that this was my hell and no one around was real and just there to basically torture me. This period was made worse when the friends I had back then got sick of my attitude and ditched me, I remember going home one day and having to stay in my room for like half an hour crying and trying to calm down (I never stay in my room.) I saw no future for myself, I would daydream about the life I wanted and then dwell over the fact that I would never get that. I would sometimes daydream and see myself ending up as an alcoholic(I didn't drink at the time)and would stare at the vodka bottles in off-licences and think about stealing the shot bottles. I found it hard to make conversation with people and nearly everything about my friends and family irritated me when before they never would. I was extremely jealous of one of friends and ended up basically hating her because I felt she had everything I didn't or wanted. I wrote songs that were downgrading and cussing myself as if I were representing how other people saw me. I was constantly sad and my teacher even noticed one day asking if I was alright but I had an accuse ready ("I'm just tired") for whenever someone asked. I never wanted to talk and would have to force words out to try and divert attention from my negative mood. I was always tired even when I got enough sleep, I constantly just wanted to go to bed and I think it was around that period when my headaches started. I starting hated school (I actually used to love going to school because I'd be with my friends) and I was constantly counting down how many weeks until the summer holiday. I felt like everyone hated me and that I was a nuisance and a waste of time and even after I stopped being friends with the people that had ditched me and hung around people who cared I felt like I didn't fit in and for around two/three days I just roamed the school building every break and lunch so I wouldn't have to hang around them. Whenever I heard people laughing I instantly thought they were laughing at me. Also, I recently spoke to one of the girls who 'ditched' me about that time (as she apologized) and she told me that my mood dipped before they started acting off with me and it was my negative attitude that made them not want to be around me which makes we wonder why my mood dropped in the first place. I had been having problems with different friends before my mood change but it had all settled down by then so it wasn't bothering me anymore.

I can't remember a period where the next things have happened but I have a feeling I may be getting it now. Two weeks ago, I can remember these few days where I basically felt like loads of stuff was happening in head but I wasn't really hearing anything it's almost like I've stopped thinking but I can feel the pressure of dozens of thoughts which usually results in headaches as it's really frustrating and I'll try and force thoughts into my head but it just feels empty which makes the headaches worse. Also back then I was reading about symptoms and stuff and at the same time I was hearing music in head and also a conversation I had had with my friends that day and other things and I couldn't stop it which drove me crazy. Also, while my head was acting 'off' if I closed my eyes and I think sometimes when they were open I felt like I moving or being turned around like on a roller coaster but I was sat in bed (I had that again last night.) I remember a few weeks ago there were like two or three days where I had this feeling that I was yelling or someone was yelling in my head and don't know they were saying but whenever i shut it out it just came back until I completely changed my thoughts. I've was really giddy and childish (even spinning in a spot till I noticed everyone staring at me) and then easily irritable , my friends even mentioned it several times and I saw that was acting weird and I remember saying to myself 'ok, calm down' (cause I know the symptoms) but I just went back to doing what I was doing. I was seriously hyped and I had only had four to five hours sleep the night before. We were on a coach going on a trip and we drove past a retail park I was like 'we need to go there, oh my days' blah blah blah, then we drove pasta tesco and I was all ' we need to go to that tesco, oh my days it has a subway' blah blah and then we passed an ikea and I was basically jumping out of seat going 'we need to go ikea, oh my days, it'll be so fun, oh my days' and this was all in the space of around a minute and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy and even this boy who goes to my school but never spoken to was like to 'why do you want everywhere? We're going thorpe park' with an unspoken 'calm down.' (I also didn't feel awkward talking to him which is out of character as I'm not a very social person). Even when I wasn't speaking and I had my headphones in I was just thinking and thinking and my eyes were like 'alert' (almost like I'd only just realised life was in 3D) if that makes sense. I also have stutter now that I think I got a year or two ago and I read today that pressured speech can cause a permanent stutter. I been having broken sleep and less sleep a lot the past week as my eyes will be tired but my head and body are awake (I get that during the day sometimes aswell.)

Also, around a month ago, I did drink wine four days in a row and did also purposely cut my arm (only once) and I don't know why I did it. It wasn't that deep only let out a little blood and just remember that I had been thinking about doing it for days so I just did it when no one was home one day. I'm confused why I did it as I've also been quite wise and I'm known as the responsible one so these actions are completely out of character but also as I said before I don't know if this is because of a mood disorder or because I want to be bipolar. Even a three weeks ago, I tried to make myself throw up as I overate but was too scared to go the whole way. Also, a month ago I was fighting back tears for stupid things like seeing friends I used to have laughing together or getting a detention for forgetting my homework. I had quite violent dreams where I'm fighting people from school who have made fun of me, the kind of fighting that'll get you sent down for GBH. Also two weeks ago I felt normal through the day but then I felt my mood dip (not in seconds, I think it took like a few hours) near the end of the day and I started getting easily annoyed and I went bed early and broke down crying with loads of negative thoughts and even started punching my pillow at one point. I noticed I'm also forgetting things a lot the past few months, for example I'm talking to my mum and mid-sentence I'll forget what I'm talking about which happens a lot and didn't happen before and even while I'm writing this post I keep forgetting what I was about to write (more than normal) and I also daydream most of the day which makes it hard to concentrate on basic things like reading or watching tv. My appetite is odd, I'll eat a big amount of food (not mountain size but larger than my mum) and be full and then five or ten minutes later I'll be hungry again and I'll basically have to avoid food so I don't overeat and then some days I'll wake up 8am and not eat till 2. Also, I've been more interested in sex as before I was the typical awkward teenager but the past few months (definitely the past weeks) I've been reading cosmopolitan and talking about sex with my friends especially the boys at my school.

I've haven't told anyone about this apart from my teacher, after I broke down crying in front of her a month ago, and my school councilor but we've only had three sessions so far.

Also, I think a week ago I was contemplating whether I should stop sleeping and drink a lot to try and trigger an episode so I could self diagnosis myself but thankfully I didn't do anything.

I've done loads of self diagnosis tests online (including the depression one on the NHS website) that I know aren't 100% reliable but they do give you an idea of if you're suffering bipolar or depression and I've passed everyone I've done but I don't know if that's just me saying anything to convince myself I have bipolar as on some tests it is blatant what answer will get what results if that makes sense.

I know that people may say that I'm feeling this way because I'm a teenage girl and has a lot going on and all that but that's seriously not how it feels. I've always been more emotional than the kids as in primary school I used to get in physical fights with boys (not play-fighting) and I remember days where I would scream at people to leave me alone and in class when we had to sit on the floor together I would sit in the corner and make sure there was a circle of empty space around me. People have always made jokes at me saying I'm crazy because I lash out a lot. I remember one of the teachers wanted to give me some kind of counciling/therapy (she didn't call it that but she said you can come and talk to me when you feel like this...) but I just ignored it and most of the time teachers didn't call my mum when I got into fights like the other kids. Also, when I was in year eight my teacher tried to get me anger management help which again I ignored. I remember I used to have massive arguments with my mum and there were a few times, around when I was 8-10 when I would pack a bag of my stuff(including the remote controls and phone so my mum couldn't do anything) and storm out of the house (she's disabled so she couldn't catch me) and be determined on running away but I always ended up coming home after five minutes because I had no where to go but the sweet shop. Also my mood swings don't have anything to do with my menstrual cycle as they happen whenever not just always between cycles or just at the start and finish and plus, I remember that I went through a really lonely and depressed time that lasted between February and April so longer than a menstrual cycle.

I'm fifteen, in year 11, if that helps.

[Dr Trevor Friedman]

Hi. I have read your long and thoughtful letter. As you say, it is not really possible to give you a diagnosis without seeing you. I was concerned that you have self harmed. It does seem that you are obviously very troubled and i am sure that you should see your GP who will take your problems seriously. It would be helpful to take along what you have written to show the GP. I am certain you can get some help for your problems.