For Mr. Eason please

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Housemouse
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 5:30 pm

by Housemouse on Fri Aug 16, 2013 11:17 pm

For Mr. Eason please

Hello,

I have had M.E. for several years - went through the 'usual' losses/grief, than with the help of my GP gradually began to look for positives - just small things really - watched birds through the window when unable to do anything else, aimed to 'get dressed to the shoes' whenever I could, and wear make-up - to keep a little bit of 'myself', and 'worked hard' at keeping my spirits buoyant (ish) and tended to use humour as a 'tissue paper armour'.

Roughly 3 years ago following 2 medical assessments, and to use my then Welfare's Officer's words, a Tribunal which had a "harrowing effect on me" - it was all too much for me physically - and the emotional/mental impact was devastating. Thanks to a super GP, guidance from the ME Association and being lucky enough to take part in a research study for PTSD, anti depressants etc., I manage mostly to keep my spirits 'above water'. However, I hit a kind of plateau in that my DLA award was for 3 years - I know in my heart that I can't go through it all for PIP etc., so its been in my thoughts ever since the award and I dread losing DLA.

Part of the Medical Assessments were so personal (they said how could I be as ill as I claimed if I could put make up on) and the next medical referred to my missing teeth, and greasy hair. The Tribunal interrogated me 'robustly', and I came away feeling that my life had meant nothing (I've never achieved any 'greatness' - and had never really thought about it - just done my job as well as I could) the technique they used was very much like the old style 'beasting' previously used in the armed forces - but the Tribunal didn't re-build what they had 'smashed' or put anything in the place of the 'hole' that used to be 'me'. I had brain fog at the time and was exhausted, and felt like a small helpless child unable to defend myself. Of course, internally things have only got worse, it never crossed my mind previously about what people may or may not be thinking of me, now I know - I do my best not to cross anyone's path, and my working life target was to always do my best and to me - it makes very little difference whether someone sweeps floors for a living or invents the answer to climate change - I believe we all have our parts to play...except now I believe that everyone has a part to play except me.

I've been too worried to try and work on my spirits or to try and re-learn how to take pleasure in the 'little joys' - because the 'drop' to nothingness was so painful - so part of me does no longer want any little joys because the pain of the fall is too great.

I'm sorry I have rambled on - I'm hoping to give you a 'picture' because I would be very grateful for any suggestions please? I am wondering how I can preserve what's left of the little bit of the old me that I knew so well (I might not have been much it seems so I can't afford to lose what's left) for so long.

These days I manage to put on a reasonably cheerful outer shell when necessary, though inside I feel being stuck in 'Waiting Room'. And I guess I am stuck in more ways than one - I can't decide not to be ill anymore (I've tried and it doesn't work), and I know my financial 'end is nigh' due to cowardice about yet another assessment. I'm also stuck, in that, if I do try to make the best of the present moment and tiny joys, then does that mean my 'fall' will be harder? Or if I try to keep myself 'numb' will that give me an 'armour' for the struggles ahead please? (I used to meditate - but no longer - because that went againsty me too - basically I could calm myself in my 'safe inner place' - but then was told I looked too relaxed to be as anxious etc., etc., I now know that everything I 'was' was 'wrong', the illness is of course at the heart of it - and leaves me 'set up for judgement', and I just at a loss of how to fill the hole that is left and to protect myslef/spirits when the time comes (my DLA) runs out in the middle of next year. Apologies for the length of this. Best Wishes.

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Adam Eason
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Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 9:16 am

by Adam Eason on Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:43 pm

Re: For Mr. Eason please

Hello there,

Firstly, it would probably be unprofessional and unethical to offer direct advice without a formal assessment in place. That said, I certainly do not wish to side-step your message. Therefore, I'll run through some of the points that you make and make some observations and suggestions. Hope that is agreeable :)
Housemouse wrote: I have had M.E. for several years - went through the 'usual' losses/grief, than with the help of my GP gradually began to look for positives - just small things really - watched birds through the window when unable to do anything else, aimed to 'get dressed to the shoes' whenever I could, and wear make-up - to keep a little bit of 'myself', and 'worked hard' at keeping my spirits buoyant (ish) and tended to use humour as a 'tissue paper armour'.
Ok, this is a good thing to engage in alongside other interventions. As you'll be aware, this is a strategy designed to help you focus on progressive thoughts rather than dwell on negative ones or spiral downwards. There is some evidence to suggest that writing these things down in a journal of some kind before bed is a way to improve outlook, mood and perspective.

For example, writing down 5 things from that day that made you happy. This means that you filter the day in a more progressive way. A lot of people with co-morbid depression do tend to generalise in a negative fashion which can fuel depression.
Housemouse wrote: Roughly 3 years ago following 2 medical assessments...
I am sorry to read of your experience. I can understand that such an experience can have a profound effect upon even the most resilient of individuals.
Housemouse wrote: I believe we all have our parts to play...except now I believe that everyone has a part to play except me.


I am sure you can see the limited belief prevalent in this statement - everyone in the world except you?! That is some generalisation.
Housemouse wrote: I've been too worried to try and work on my spirits or to try and re-learn how to take pleasure in the 'little joys' - because the 'drop' to nothingness was so painful - so part of me does no longer want any little joys because the pain of the fall is too great.


Sadly, fear of failure does often increase our lack of inclination to work at developing our well-being.

A good therapist or professional should be able to help you overcome that fear, and use your experience a valuable way to avoid similar re-occurrences.
Housemouse wrote: I'm sorry I have rambled on - I'm hoping to give you a 'picture' because I would be very grateful for any suggestions please? I am wondering how I can preserve what's left of the little bit of the old me that I knew so well (I might not have been much it seems so I can't afford to lose what's left) for so long.
It is worth remembering that we can still value who we were, while building something new for ourselves. I think many people with experiences such as yours yearn for what might have been, or yearn for the way things were before issues were encountered, when actually, who you were is always with you. WIth the right professional help, you can start to look at how to equip yourself with the skills to affect your feelings, thoughts and behaviour going forward.
Housemouse wrote: These days I manage to put on a reasonably cheerful outer shell when necessary, though inside I feel being stuck in 'Waiting Room'. And I guess I am stuck in more ways than one - I can't decide not to be ill anymore (I've tried and it doesn't work), and I know my financial 'end is nigh' due to cowardice about yet another assessment. I'm also stuck, in that, if I do try to make the best of the present moment and tiny joys, then does that mean my 'fall' will be harder?
There is no need to fear something that may not happen. You seem to be assuming that a 'fall' is imminent. Though I do not really know what you mean when you say 'a fall' and it would be wrong for me to assume to know or to interpret wrongly.

I do not think there is a causal relationship between these things. Enjoying your life does not correlate with 'the impact of a fall' - you may think that, but your thoughts are not facts.

Our thoughts influence and effect our feelings and mood which in turn influence our behaviours which colour our thoughts and so on. Learning how to think progressively about yourself and your capability is going to be something a professional can help you with.

What's more, just look at what you have been through - it takes a huge amount of personal strength, courage and resource to go through that and come out at the other with an ability to reflect upon it so coherently.

Go easy on yourself.
Housemouse wrote: (I used to meditate - but no longer - because that went againsty me too - basically I could calm myself in my 'safe inner place' - but then was told I looked too relaxed to be as anxious etc., etc.,
Told by who? I don't understand this.

You might like to consider self-hypnosis as it gives you skills and aims to engage in while hypnotised - it is a cognitive acitivity that can help with a number of the issues you cite. If you have used meditation in the past, you'll find that skill set useful.
Housemouse wrote: I now know that everything I 'was' was 'wrong'
I think this is a negative belief. I think there are a number of what we therapists refer to as 'cognitive distortions' that you display here - maybe as a result of your experiences. Some of which may help you to cope but most of which are serving to make you feel poorly towards yourself and your life.

With some guidance and help to structure your thoughts and alter your beliefs about yourself and your life, I am certain you can find some more joy in your life.

As stated in other threads of discussion, you can source a quality hypnotherapist at the website of the National Council for Hypnotherapists - www.hypnotherapists.org.uk - all members here have to have achieved the HPD qualification which adheres to national occupations standards. You can find someone local to you. I'd recommend someone who practices according to evidence-based principles with experience of dealing with someone citing the issues you explain here.

Furthermore, someone who will set you tasks to practice at home which will reinforce what you do in the sessions. These types of skills that you learn will enhance self-efficacy and self-belief too, which I think will be a valuable tonic for you as you move forward.

Best wishes to you, Adam.
Adam Eason
Clinical & Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist

http://www.talkhealthpartnership.com/on ... _eason.php

kirstenthomson2000
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 10:44 pm

by kirstenthomson2000 on Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:13 pm

Re: For Mr. Eason please

Hi Housemouse, i was really sorry to hear your experience of DLA and can completely empathize. I was spat out of the DLA process being branded a 'liar', amongst other things, when in reality lying is one of the qualities i hate most in people and avoid like the plague. My experience was my Dr, hospital specialist and OT all wrote evidence in support of my claim, but the government dr said i was lying and i could walk fine etc... Guess who the DWP sided with...? It completely floored me and had an awful impact on my health and mental state. In the end, and after a long while healing from the experience, i decided i wasn't going to dwell on the labels they tried to place on me. I know who i am, and you know who you are, don't let them define you, they don't know. You are also far too important to let them take your health and joy away from you, it's hard enough living with ME without the extra stress and weight that these things have placed upon you. I know it's easier said than done, but do the things that help you and ignore what 'these people' might be thinking about you. If meditation helped you, do it! If putting make up on helped you, do it, screw them! In my experience joy is always better than numb. And when it comes to DLA/PIP application, put your shields up, tell the truth, and ignore any rubbish they give you, it's not helpful so imagine yourself physically brushing it off yourself. I wanted you to know you are not alone, and you certainly don't sound like a coward to me! Praying for better days for you, Kx

Housemouse
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 5:30 pm

by Housemouse on Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:14 pm

Re: For Mr. Eason please

Hello and thank you very much indeed for your reply - it's very helpful - I am not able to go out to attend appointments - although I would be able to re-start a 'rebuild' by using the original techniques (many of which you have referred to) as I still have my notes etc., that I used previously.

I think the part that I am sorry I was not very clear about - is that I had grown used the many 'put downs', disbelief over the illness, over recent years, and told myself it was due to general lack of knowledge and the fact that I was no longer able to fulfill many of my roles and obligations - once I had accepted that - I found a certain peace and acceptance within myself, felt that I was trying to be useful (albeit in a very limited way) etc.,

An official complaint was made against the health practitioner who carried out the assessment - and I have since found out that a number of complaints had been made against the individual - but it was the Tribunal who finally 'broke' me - I thought it would be about the illness etc., but it was very personal - I was repeatedly questioned about my religion, my previous work history was sneered at because I was "only a transcriber" etc., no area of my current life or previous to illness life was left untouched, and sneered at and disbelieved. And it was that 'under the microscope examination' by 3 (or 4) qualified people interrogating me, finding my life so trivial, and my inability to speak or remember through my brain fog - that frightens me about being placed in the same position again within the next few months.

My major query is that is it actually worthwhile trying to re-build my spirits again? Or will I be 'setting myself up' for more condemnation? Or is it better to continue as I am? - Sort of, is that the 'higher the spirt goes - the farther it has to fall'? Or is it better to stay ...not sure of the word... deflated?

The major problem being that I will, within the next few months, be called for re-assessment again, and I have checked out my situation re: benefits in this Clinic and am very grateful for the information, but I either have to live without an income or apply for benefits again. Hence the 'waiting room' effect - a bit like waiting for a 'financial axe' to fall. In a nutshell - is it worth trying to cheer up, or will it make life harder please?

Thank you so much for your advice and I apologise for not being able to express myself without rambling.

Housemouse
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 5:30 pm

by Housemouse on Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:21 pm

Re: For Mr. Eason please

Thank you so much for your reply Kirsten, I am very sorry you have been through similar, your empathy is very much appreciated !! An d thank you for your kind words. Yes, it's hard enough with M.E. and dealing with the consequences and myriad of horrible symptoms - and to have to deal with...you know what..... I don't understand why we have to have so much more 'stuff' piled upon us.

I had to giggle yes - I shall put some make up on at the next energy available opportunity - in your honour. Thanks again and Best Wishes.

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