My daughter (11) has angry issues

[sarahmya]

For the past few years my daughter has become very aggressive towards me. She lashes out and hits me and calls me names for no reason. The last few weeks she has said she wants to kill herself and has tried to throw herself out the window. She also needs reassurance all the time to the point i have to say what time i am going to wake her in the morning, what she will have for breakfast and say 'goodnight, i love you, sweet dreams' all about 20 times before she goes to sleep. She does not sleep until gone 11pm and will only sleep in my bed, whilst i sleep on the sofa. I know im giving in here, but my neighbours have called the police numerous times about disturbances from my home with her screaming. The last time the police came she told them i beat her, which i dont. I have tried help from the school, begged soical service for help and her school and have got no help.

I am now at my wits end, i have no family support as my parents say they can help no further and her father is absent.

I fear for my safety, as i just dont know what she is going to do to me.

Please please i beg you anyone help me.

Thank you.

[Gary Turner]

Hi!!! I really feel for you!

No need to beg - we're here to help!!!

Firstly anger is when someone has broken your personal rules. The personal rules are broken and anger is the emotion. This is expressed internally as frustration, or externally as temper or even uncontrolled temper which is rage.

Anger is about the moment. They won't have been angry before that moment when the rules are broken.

This is what I teach doormen and police.
"You're really angry aren't you!" (Pacing yet not being confrontational)
"Too damn right I'm angry!!!"
"Where you angry before this happened?" (Back their minds up before they were angry, and they'll have less anger - the anger wasn't there before the rule was broken. At this time take a deep breath, and let it go.)
"No, it's just you!"
"OK, its just me" (Again, pacing what they are saying)
"What happened that made you angry, and what can we do differently?" (Starting to correct the broken rule)

With adaptation you can use this to diffuse anger. Pace, take them before, what can they do to put the rule break right.

It does sound like you need some help here. Get to your GP, talk to citizen's advice, look for charities that help abusive relationships. Hopefully some of the other experts will jump on this to help direct you the right way.

It also sounds like your daughter needs some help too. She would have learnt to be that way - and she can learn to be different again too. I wonder, what is it that taught her to be like this? One things for sure - being hit by anyone should not be tolerated. Something needs to change, and help needs to be given.

I feel for you, and you may well have some difficult choices to make. Not making them, and not getting the help you need though is not a good thing. You've made a good step by posting here - now you know you CAN ask for help. Do it some more.

I really hope things get better - quickly - and also that the others here can give some good directions as to where to ask for more help.

[Wendy Green]

Hi sarahmya,

I feel for you having to cope alone with your daughter, her behaviour sounds extremely demanding and aggressive. No wonder you're at your wits end!

You must get help - both for your own safety and sanity and for her mental health. I suggest that you take your daughter to see her GP and explain what has being going on; her GP may refer her to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHs), or at the very least for an Anger Management course.

You might find the CAMHS website useful: http://www.camh.org.uk

Please don't struggle on alone - there is help out there if you go out and find it!

Best wishes,

Wendy