Dealing with partner's depression

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davidob1
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Joined: Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:29 pm
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by davidob1 on Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:49 pm

Dealing with partner's depression

My partner has just finished eight months treatment for breast cancer. She is very depressed but refuses to reach out for help and support. I feel so helpless and it is putting our relationship under pressure.
Would really appreciate any suggestions as to what to do and who to contact.

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Gary Turner
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Joined: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:04 am
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by Gary Turner on Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:37 am

Re: Dealing with partner's depression

Damn mate, I feel for you.

It is always difficult to get someone you feel needs help, to get help. There are any number of reasons why she doesn't - she may not feel she needs to, she may be afraid to or even ashamed of asking for help.

Taking your statement literally tells me that your helplessness is putting your relationship under pressure. I would suggest that not only does your wife need a little help, but also you may need a little help too. (Just being aware of the information in this post may actually help - only you can judge!) Who helps the helpers in these situations? Although the problem has been your wife's, it still affects everyone around her too - especially those like yourself who are closest. I can only begin to imagine the feelings that you yourself will have had during these times.

Helping you to understand yourself, how you are feeling, and what you can do about it may well help to release, or at least relieve the pressure. That may well then help you to gently guide your good lady to where she needs to be, rather than potentially hitting it head on.

Hopefully the other experts will jump on this thread, and help give you the advice as to how best to guide your partner to where she needs to be, and the options available. In the first instance, hopefully this post has helped redirect your thoughts to what is 100% in your control - and that is your feelings and actions, and perhaps put you in a better place to help.

A helping hand holding is perhaps better than a helping hand pushing. Please take this post as me holding your hand, and helping you to hold your partner's. What do you think?
Gary Turner
Advisor to British Army School of Physical Training, World Champion Elite Sportsman

http://www.talkhealthpartnership.com/on ... turner.php

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Wendy Green
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by Wendy Green on Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:50 pm

Re: Dealing with partner's depression

Hi David,

I feel for both you and your wife - you both must have had a traumatic time lately. It's great that you want to help your wife and it must be very frustrating to feel that you are unable to do so at the moment.

You wife has been through a lot and her depression is her way of coming to terms with suffering from breast cancer and dealing with the treatment; she needs time to do this.

However, in the meantime there are things you can do to help her. You can make sure that she's eating a healthy balanced diet containing high quality proteins such as fish - especially oily fish, chicken, eggs, and lean meats, as well as wholegrains, fruit and vegetables, nuts and seeds. These foods will supply the nutrients she needs to heal her mind and body. Regular exercise will also help to lift her mood and help her body to return to normal. Perhaps you could suggest going for gentle walks or perhaps going swimming together?

Maybe a short break would be a good idea; it would give you both something to look forward to and take your wife's mind off the breast cancer. If this isn't an option, how about just pampering your wife a little? Run her a hot scented bath, cook her a nice meal and perhaps offer to give her a back and shoulder massage; in general just aim to spoil her a little and make her feel special.

It may also help your wife if she meets with other women who have suffered from breast cancer. Breast Cancer Care runs support groups across the UK. You can find more details here http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk

As I said, it's normal to feel depressed after suffering from cancer - but if your wife's low mood continues for more than a few months you may need to encourage her to see her GP. Her GP may refer her for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which will help her to overcome her negative thought patterns.

I do hope these tips help and that your wife recovers from her depression soon. I wish you both good luck and happier times for the future :)

Wendy
Wendy Green
Health Expert and Author

http://www.talkhealthpartnership.com/on ... _green.php

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Dr Shirley Lockeridge
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Joined: Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:34 am
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by Dr Shirley Lockeridge on Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:17 pm

Re: Dealing with partner's depression

Hi David
You don’t mention what type of treatment your wife has received but it sounds like you would like to be much more supportive, if only your wife would let you and this is making you feel frustrated and helpless.

Everyone reacts to the threat of cancer in their own way, some people seek support and gain strength from talking to others and other people just close down and may take a longer time to come to terms with a cancer diagnosis and treatment. For women, we know that breast cancer may pose a threat not only to life but also to self-image and self-esteem and that this may in turn impact on their relationship with their partner. While you can’t make your wife accept your support you can make sure that she knows that it is unconditionally available. She may find it easier to open up her feelings initially to a really close friend or to her breast care nurse, if she has one. In terms of psychological care, most oncology units offer a stepped care model which means your wife could be referred directly for assessment for CBT through the oncology unit where she had her treatment. All you can do is what you are already doing… be there for her and keep encouraging her when she feels ready to share her thoughts and feelings with whoever she feels most comfortable.

Hope this is helpful.
Dr Shirley Lockeridge
Chartered Clinical Psychologist

http://www.talkhealthpartnership.com/on ... eridge.php

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