Advice for child with anxiety

[yankydoodle]

My 4 year old son can become very anxious, be it down to returning to school after time away, a change to his routine, or not getting his way. He can become so worked up that he will vomit, usually after he begins to cough a little, leading up to a coughing fit. We've tried everything from sitting with him at the bin, stroking his back as he makes himself sick to properly telling him off and taking toys off him as punishment. We've even tried ignoring it all together in the hopes he'd get bored of it and see it wasn't having the desired effect. While each strategy worked in a small way for a short time, when something hmade him upset a week or two later, he'd be at it again. So it seems it's something in him.

Recently he started to 'take deep breaths' when these feelings arise (today it was a tummy ache when he realised I was going to work today - I recently returned to work after maternity leave) and sometimes that's enough to take his mind off whatever is troubling him. But often times, as was the case this morning, it's just delaying the inevitable.

I really want to find a way out of this. It can be horrendous when he has days on end like this. And while he's always been easily sick from a baby (ie if he has a bad cough, swallows food/drink too quickly) we cannot carry on like this like. What can we do to help him through this and get him.to find a less extreme expression for what he is feeling? I hate seeing him so upset.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

[Gary Turner]

Hi, bit of a nightmare for you!

First thing is to remember that he doesn't want to feel like he does either (negative emotions bring on the negative feelings and they are to remove us from something we don't like or is harmful)...so he'll be wanting to find ways of not being like that.

He's learnt to be that way - which means he can learn to not be that way. Replace one behaviour with another. Find out what makes him laugh - the polar opposite of the anxious feelings. I find humour and laughter a great way of working with kids, it is really effective. Unlike some of us adults kids really know how to laugh!

So find out what makes him laugh - and each and every time he starts to get those feelings make him laugh. Completely. Replace one behaviour with another. Not this, this!

You can even make a game of it. Anxiety is about uncertainty, the unknown, the 'what is going to happen'. It is all in the imagination of course, you don't know what will happen until your in that situation. At the moment he is imagining the worst, rather than the best, which again is just his imagination yet directed better.

You can even make a game of it. Play "what's the worst that can happen?" Ask him, "what's the worst that can happen?" and then make the answers ridiculous, so he laughs.

"Son, what's the worst that can happen?"
"They'll make fun of me."
"That's right, and then a giant elephant will come along and squash them."
"No it won't, that's silly."
"That's right, its silly, it'll probably be a hippopotamus..."

Just break his state of anxiety and replace it with humour. Give that a go?

There are also of course many people highly skilled with working with kids - could well be worth seeking one out so they can work directly with your son. Yet also, you'll need to continue working with him, to ensure that his new ways of thinking are maintained.

Best bit about kids - they don't come with the baggage us adults have, and often changes can be made with them quite quickly.

Have hope, yet, without action, it will persist!

Let me know how it goes, and any questions, please ask away! That's what me and the others are here for

[yankydoodle]

Thanks so much for your reply. That all makes perfect sense and I'll give it a try.

[karenacoyle]

Hi
I can see that Gary has given you some useful strategies to help distract your son when he becomes upset over some issues.
I like the idea of turning his anxiety around through humour .

I just wanted to add a few more ideas that may also help.

You tell us that you have just recently returned to work from maternity leave and that your son has recently started school.
So in all that mix he has had a lot of changes in his young life - a new sibling, having to share you with this new baby, starting school is a very anxious time for most children and now having you return to work which has implications for how much time you will have to spend with him.
He will need some time to get used to all of these changes so do take things slowly and give him plenty of reassurance for now.

It sounds as if you have tried lots of tactics already to try to hep him and my advice would be to continue with one or two such tactics consistently.
Some further ideas that you might try include:

• try to identify what the triggers may be in advance of the 'tantrum' - e.g if it is tiredness from having to get up too early try an earlier bedtime - be as organised as possible from the night before to avoid the stress involved in getting everyone ready in the morning
  
  if he has a tantrum on picking him up from school or the nursery it may be due to hunger - have a snack handy to help with this
  
  give him some individual time each day - even if it is only spending time reading him a bedtime story and also an opportunity when he is calm to talk over how his day went - you may often find this is a good time for him to let go of his worries - but also try to get some quite play time with just him so that he knows that you still love him and tell him so often
  
  talk to his teacher and see how he is doing at school - he may be worried about keeping up or mixing with his peers and it won't do any harm to let the teacher know that he is anxious at times so that she can look out for him
  
  if he does become distressed and ends up vomiting try not to show that you are anxious - I know this may be difficult for you - just clean him up without any fuss - it is not unusual for children to vomit when they become upset and if they get attention from their parent or doing it , it may increase the chance of them repeating it in the future
  
  try if possible to focus on times when he is 'behaving' as you want and make observations on it such as 'I see that you are doing your homework well or you are being very kind to your brother/sister' - as the saying goes 'the behaviour that gets notices gets repeated'

I hope you don't mind me giving you some links that may be helpful:
http://www.netmums.com/parenting-suppor ... he-courses
http://www.understandingchildhood.net/.


I hope some of the suggestions so far have helped but if you find that he is becoming more anxious do consider speaking to your GP who may make a referral to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health service (CAMHS) for further assessment.

Best wishes